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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH suddenly wants kids

693 replies

GeorgiaHunt · 15/07/2023 07:32

We've been together for 15 years, we are 50 and 40 now.

Very early on we discussed whether we wanted children, we were both very on the fence and neither of us ever made it a priority. We did agree that if one of us really wanted to try, then we would.

We are very lucky, very in love still and we've travelled lots, live in a great house, life is full of hobbies and friends. Financially secure, I had a large inheritance which meant I could give up work but I volunteer 5 days week over two roles I find very rewarding. DH choses to work 4 days a week but doesn't need to, loves his job. Very little stress in our lives.

He turned 50 last month and has said he'd really like us to try for a family. I admit I was really shocked, as I'd thought this question had passed us by with our ages - and in all honesty, I think he's too old.

The increased risks of the baby not being healthy/NT worry me, as well as his energy levels. He's an exceptionally young 50, very fit, but age does catch up with us all! 60 seems so old to have a 10 year old child.

And with my age that brings risks too, and the likelihood of not even being able to get pregnant is obviously high. I'm worried if we started down this path, it would just bring sadness and stress. I definitely wouldn't consider IVF.

How would you react? Looking for any advice!

OP posts:
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5
IsThatHuw · 15/07/2023 07:54

I know a lot of mums who had babies at 40 but the difference is they started mid 30’s and it was number 2 or 3, plus their partners are the same age.

I think 50 is too old tbh, sorry. Plus your lifestyle has been set up around having no children. Very different situation.

Wildspace · 15/07/2023 07:54

Have a good chat then book an amazing holiday for a few months time.

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 07:56

Drudgery can be outsourced. There is no escape from the endless worry.

That said I have at least 3 friends who have had kids in their late 40s and 50s. Last minute wobbles.

BarbieBunches · 15/07/2023 07:59

Your lives sound idyllic 🥰. I would say an absolute hard no - you’d be crazy to consider it!

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 15/07/2023 07:59

Sounds like the driving force behind this is him having a wobble at having turned 50. So it's more about him becoming acutely aware of his mortality than a true desire to have kids.

Babsexxx · 15/07/2023 08:03

I don’t know op having kids at 40 is normal now how do YOU actually feel about it? That’s the most important thing really here.

DustyLee123 · 15/07/2023 08:07

I agree that he’s having a wobble due to age.
I suppose the question is, what would he do if you said no ?

dottiedodah · 15/07/2023 08:08

What I find amusing is that very question why don't we have a baby? Yeah mate crack on .sore boobs, tiredness,morning sickness and having a huge change .I love children and am a mum and an ex nursery school teacher as well.however unless you are desperate for dc I would say no.men have the least disruption I think !

MrsMcisaCt · 15/07/2023 08:08

CountFoscoHasMiceInHisPocket · 15/07/2023 07:59

Sounds like the driving force behind this is him having a wobble at having turned 50. So it's more about him becoming acutely aware of his mortality than a true desire to have kids.

I agree with this. I think when you turn 50 you often start thinking about what you will leave behind or what your legacy will be.

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 08:09

I cant think of anything worse than dealing with teenagers and the menopause at the same time but that's just me..Others seem to manage it!

Would you be OK if the child had special needs? Quite likely.

cloverleafy · 15/07/2023 08:10

We are the same ages as you OP. We do have chikdren, but no way would I be starting now.

I would, like other, have assumed that your agreement expired with age - probably 5 years ago or so for your husband.

VaddaABeetch · 15/07/2023 08:11

50 is I can’t kid myself I’m young anymore. I have less life to live than I’ve already lived. For some people it’s oh shite what have I done with all that time.

I know 2 men who had first babies at 50ish. They seemed to love the baby stage, not so much the child.

FatNoMoreSue · 15/07/2023 08:12

Good god. No.

CindersAgain · 15/07/2023 08:13

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 08:09

I cant think of anything worse than dealing with teenagers and the menopause at the same time but that's just me..Others seem to manage it!

Would you be OK if the child had special needs? Quite likely.

Average age to start menopause symptoms is 47, so teens and menopause are really common, not just a function of being an older mother.

MairzyDoats · 15/07/2023 08:13

Get a puppy. I wish I'd just skipped the kids sometimes. The dog is much easier and just as lovable.

StrawberryAmaretti · 15/07/2023 08:20

You could adopt a child but that would come with its own challenges.
Imo Natural conception at this age is very risky and I wouldn't do it.
I had a baby at 24 years old and found it hard, just exhausting and relentless and felt like i had no time for myself.

neverbeenskiing · 15/07/2023 08:22

Our DC were very much planned and wanted by both of us, and I still found adjusting to parenthood incredibly hard. Your ages are absolutely relevant, your DH would be irresponsible to start a family at 50 IMO and you are right to take the increased risks that come with your age into account. I turn 40 next year and cannot imagine going back to the baby stage now. I definitely noticed a big difference in my ability to cope with the sleep deprivation when I had DC2 in my thirties, compared with my first baby in my late twenties.

There are posts on here all the time from women who find themselves mourning the loss of their old life once a much longed-for baby comes along. From what you've said in your OP, you have more to lose than most given the freedom your financial situation has afford you.
If you turn your idyllic, stress-free life upside down to have a baby you don't really want you'll end up resenting your DH.

babbscrabbs · 15/07/2023 08:23

I do know lots of women who started families in their 40s

But the difference is that they wanted it.

Peony654 · 15/07/2023 08:25

LobsterCrab · 15/07/2023 07:37

Personally I wouldn't want to start trying for a baby in these circumstances and I'd tell him that.

Same. I do think that ship has sailed. Do you have children in your life you can be more involved with? Might give him a reality check

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/07/2023 08:27

I read somewhere
that women in their 40s make up about 20% of all pregnancies, that it's the highest rising group and more do than teenagers now. At 36 with my 2nd I was the youngest mum in my ante natal group so I do think it's really quite common/perfectly normal.

Also, there are no guarantees in life. I lost family members in their 20s.

As long as you are doing it for the right reasons and not just because you think you should.

MotherofGorgons · 15/07/2023 08:27

Yes it's common @CindersAgain but it wouldn't be my choice is all I am saying. Other women seem unfazed. But I am suffering so much that I am v glad I don't have teens any more. I wouldn't have been able to be 56 and dealing with a 16 yr old.

Lottapianos · 15/07/2023 08:28

Why are people suggesting adoption or fostering? Neither are parenting-lite options for people who just aren't sure about the process of having a baby biologically. Far from it

CecilyP · 15/07/2023 08:30

RWB9 · 15/07/2023 07:35

If you knew everything would go well and everyone would be happy and baby here safely - would you go for it?

This! It seems like a complete bolt from the blue, though.

MrsCarson · 15/07/2023 08:31

Not that unusual for women to have a baby in their 40's now days, but you have to want to have one, not just him.
Our Dd came along when I was 41. She's off to Uni this September.

Parlourgames · 15/07/2023 08:32

I would think it’s too late and also a little unfair to throw this at you once you have passed your best child bearing ages.