If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

[transylvanianfamilies]

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash?

DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

If in doubt,I would just take a bottle of champagne.

It's weird that ppl on here think "don't get us a gift" means "get us a gift". I'd show up empty handed.

It's true it takes all sorts - I'm thinking, we wouldn't be accepting another invite from someone who handed me back my gift (and I doubt they'd be offering another invite either)

I think on a wedding invite don't get us a gift is more likely to mean don't get us a gift. But asking someone directly about what to bring to dinner - it's usual for people to say nothing I've got everything under control. No one is ever going to say in reply to What shall I bring? - oh just a gift please - wine choc or flowers will do!

Yep, I have tried to explain this many times on Mumsnet and it has fallen on deaf ears. In Ireland if you go to the wedding you pay, it's very simple.

I'd bung 'em a nice bottle of something, and be done.

Does someone check the envelope before you are permitted entry to the wedding or get your meal?! Do you get turfed out or a reduced portion size depending on size of your gift extortion.
I can't imagine being so rude to talk badly about someone for years because you don't think they gave you enough money! Does the person at least know this or is it very two faced?

In which case the concept of manners I taught my kids has had a radical change. Or perhaps you move in circles where you weren’t taught any.

In Ireland if you go to the wedding you pay, it's very simple.

That's a bit cold.

Cash gifts are the norm now but not exclusively. I've also bought from gift lists or been asked for items from a particular range eg pottery, wine glasses.

In this case, where the B&G have guests travelling, I would take them at their word (in OP's situation). They are thoughtful people who know that the guts (at least) of £1000 is being spent on getting to their wedding.

Unless they drink champagne or are general big drinkers, don't get champagne. I don't know why it's always suggested. It was pushed by the makers of champagne but most people would rather drink something else. If a gift isn't requested but you feel the need to do something, personalised card with cash in. Now we have supermarkets and online shopping, nothing is as special as it was in our grandparents day. People don't want stuff and most are getting onboard with over consumerism.

Surely he's the only one who respected your expressed wishes... and yet you're mad at him, poor man 😂!

I think it’s widely accepted but it’s not an entry fee. You’d be known as tight - presumably that reputation would not be a new thing for you, and I’m not sure if tight people are aware they are or not - they get told in Ireland - probably not at a wedding but it doesn’t seem to change their behaviour - they are always the last ones at the bar - never buy a round always leave before it’s their turn.

Its like the threads 'aibu to split? I told him I didn't want anything for my birthday, and he only got me flowers,cake, wine & card. Surely he knows I meant I wanted to be spoiled!!'

We said no gifts, not no card or acknowledgement. Not poor man, thoughtless, inconsiderate man.

Yes we are. It is usualy 200euro per couple here cash in the card and there is a postbox at the venue to pop it in. We do not really go in for gifts anymore.

We went to a wedding last year in a 5 star hotel -we didnt stay over but we were conscious of the cost of dinner so gave 300 euro as a gift. we had a fabulous day- great band, great food, fun add ons by the B and G. just brilliant- we still talk about it as being the best one We have ever been to. I would never give an actual gift whereas my friend was invited to a posh work colleagues wedding in South Dublin and bought the B and G a wedgewood butter dish and sugar bowl from Brown Thomas- she got given out to by the B as buying 2 items was too much money!! We went to a wedding in portofino- one of my besties- again an amazing day - spoiled rotten with food and string quartets over the med.we still gave a cash gift. its a cultural difference between the UK and Ireland. back to the OP. they have said in fairness no gifts but janey give somethimg !! or else ye will be talked about for ever more

But they don't want presents. So why ignore their request?

No, it doesn't. It means coming to their wedding to share their day, is absolutely enough.

We say no gifts because we want no actual physical gifts! People used to buy gifts back in the day as the bride and groom were not meant to live together. Now we move in together before getting married so it is the cash we need to have honeymoon spends or repay the wedding loan! Sadly my marriage was far too long ago and I still remember getting a bright yellow toilet seat cover and mat for it clearly off an aunt who hated me.

If you need cash from guests to repay a wedding loan then you can’t afford the wedding

horrible to expect your guests to pay for it!

He did acknowledge your wedding… by attending it and doing BM duties!

Wedding loan?
Have the wedding you can afford .

Maybe we should have got him a medal or a trophy!

We said something along the lines of ‘no gifts please’ and we still got a few bits of pointless stuff. As a mature couple with our own homes, we didn’t need more unnecessary clutter.

I’d prefer that people respect our choices.

We don’t drink so find it mildly annoying when people give us bottles of booze at Christmas although it does get re-gifted or used at parties. So not a complete waste, I suppose.

Yes, it’s very common to give an envelope with cash at an Irish wedding so that’s probably your best option.

Maybe just a thanks and not to slag him off on an internet forum 🤷‍♀️