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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

212 replies

transylvanianfamilies · 14/07/2023 19:20

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash?

DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

OP posts:
Moneynewpence · 14/07/2023 20:32

A couple has specifically said they don't want presents but all of you know better?

Jeez. Glad our guests actually took us at our word and didn't get us a lot of stuff we neither needed nor wanted, but supported some good causes instead. Fabulous day of sharing and fun.

Moneynewpence · 14/07/2023 20:33

Gall10 · 14/07/2023 19:39

I always think couples who say ‘no presents’ really just mean ‘we’ve paid for your lunch now give us money back to spend on what we want’.
Wedding should be about celebrating with family & friends….gifts aren’t important & cash is just plain greedy.

Well you think wrong.

Justaboutalive · 14/07/2023 20:33

DS and DIL did this. They also said that if anyone felt they really wanted to give something, then a donation to x,y,or z charities would be wonderful.

I really liked this, as it made it quite clear that guests were there to enjoy celebrating the marriage.

Talapia · 14/07/2023 20:34

Yes, but only if you can afford it.

Belltentdreamer · 14/07/2023 20:37

It’s a wedding in Ireland, take a minimum of a nice bottle of champagne or some euro or currency for their honeymoon

gogomoto · 14/07/2023 20:38

I give a nominal gift or gift card for John Lewis. If the couple have been together years or are older and affluent I would take them at their word to be honest. I am toying with whether I actually want to legally marry (practical issues) and if we go ahead it will be strictly no gifts but we'll collect for the food bank and church outreach programmes with the city homeless. I have enough homewares for 2 lifetimes already!

Tigger1895 · 14/07/2023 20:39

A one for all voucher is ideal. They can grocery shop or use it in multiple stores. They can be bought in multiple places. It’s better than multiple bottles of champagne, which usually gets regifted.

Footinturf · 14/07/2023 20:40

Irish weddings presents are at least €200 per couple. I've never seen that on a wedding invite because everyone knows to just give cash here. Maybe it's just for the English crowd so they don't end up with loads of stuff?

Belltentdreamer · 14/07/2023 20:40

We didn’t even say no gifts at our wedding. Said nothing and anyone who asked we said nothing. Majority of people gave us cash, vouchers or champagne which was such a lovely treat. Others didn’t bring anything and we were more than happy with that too! I’m sure the guests won’t mind either way but there do seem to be different expectations amongst Irish friends!

TawnyFae · 14/07/2023 20:40

I gave €50 cash

made the unfortunate mistake of handing to brother of bride though so doubt bride & groom saw hide nor hair of it

EllaPaella · 14/07/2023 20:41

We said this at our wedding and genuinely meant it. Our close friends and family travelled from all over the country and even from Denmark to attend our wedding which was just a few weeks before Christmas. The travel alone would have been at a considerable expense to them so we really didn't want them to spend extra money on presents- we were just incredibly blessed to have them with us.

Nearly all of them bought something anyway but we really didn't expect it.

TolkiensFallow · 14/07/2023 20:43

I had a wedding abroad and said “do not get us a present, you’re coming to our wedding and that’s more than enough”.

I meant it

People still offered and I said “no really don’t” and I still meant it.

a card is nice but I think a gift is unnecessary

CheersToMe · 14/07/2023 20:52

Been to lots of family Irish weddings. You 'cover your plate' ie give €200 as a couple.

As a previous poster said, ask on Craicnet and see what they think.

Metooyou · 14/07/2023 20:58

I didn’t actually put that on my invites but felt so awkward every time anyone asked if we had a wedding list or if we needed anything. Every time I just said ‘no, don’t be silly, we just want everyone to be there’. I think it’s far nicer they’ve said that than put the little poem saying just give us money basically. I’ve even seen one with a suggested amount per head 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’d still get them a voucher for a meal out or cash in a card

littlegrebe · 14/07/2023 20:59

We said it because we had our wedding far enough away from where most of our friends live that they'd have to stay over, lots of those friends had small children and/or very little disposable income, and we didn't want any perceived social obligation to spend even more money to stand in the way of them being there. I.e. we really meant it.

ManchesterLu · 14/07/2023 20:59

Our friends recently got married and, between the wedding and the sten do, it cost us just over £1,000. We're not well off, so that was HUGE, and very much our whole 'fun' budget for last year. So no, I didn't bring a gift. Just a card. Plus a lot of help on the day and in the run-up with organisation etc.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 14/07/2023 21:00

Smite them with a might axe.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 14/07/2023 21:00

That'll learn 'em.

Radyward · 14/07/2023 21:02

Irish Weddings is minimum 200 euro per couple or if u know the bride and groom well - 250to 300 is the norm. #madmoneyiknow

Huckleberries73 · 14/07/2023 21:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

saraclara · 14/07/2023 21:08

Belltentdreamer · 14/07/2023 20:37

It’s a wedding in Ireland, take a minimum of a nice bottle of champagne or some euro or currency for their honeymoon

Why on earth are people suggesting champagne?

My DD and her husband said very clearly that they didn't want presents. Twenty people gave them bottles of champagne.

Not to mention that this couple have to fly back to England after the wedding. Presumably they''ll end up doing what my DD did and give them all away to their close family members.

DaftyLass · 14/07/2023 21:10

If they are just starting out, I send a cheque, if they are established, I make a donation in their name to Food Banks Canada.

Charles11 · 14/07/2023 21:16

They don't want to look grabby and would still appreciate a gift. I'd give cash in a card.

EsmeSusanOgg · 14/07/2023 21:17

BlueberryElderberry · 14/07/2023 19:23

Yes, still get a gift, it’s just nonsense some couples say in wedding invites so they don’t look grasping. They will still expect a gift.

Pretty much. I always took it as a nice way of not shaming anyone who may not be able to afford a gift. Or setting the expectation that gifts can be smaller (like a nice bottle of wine).

avocadotofu · 14/07/2023 21:17

I'd still give I present personally.