Page 7 | If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

transylvanianfamilies · 2023-07-14T18:20:22+00:00

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash? DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

WillyLows · 15/07/2023 20:17

@HawdMeBack

*Yes we did.

I find these replies very weird! I'd be honoured if someone asked me to be such an integral part of their big day. The way folk are going on is as if the people invited are doing the bride and groom a favour! If that's how they feel they should refuse, not begrudging accept. *

There was no expectation for the wedding party to spend ANY money, other than on their holiday. That was their choice. EVERYTHING else was paid for for them. I don't think expecting a card is a big ask.
*
It's not the same as a holiday if someone else chooses where, when and who you go with!

It's not a treat to get something you might never want to wear again or even like!

The level of entitlement is nuts!

On this basis, if I was ever to get married again and someone had done all this for my wedding, absolutely no way would I expect a gift on top.

Confusion101 · 15/07/2023 20:35

@Radyward that is exactly what I had to do this year. No holiday in place of a lot of weddings. The cards were nearly the cheapest part of each of them! 😂

I agree with someone who said if they expected something, they would not have written this on the invite!

Badbudgeter · 15/07/2023 20:36

It means they want cash 💰

Useruser0912 · 15/07/2023 20:38

Radyward · 15/07/2023 20:05

What happens is people forgo holidays. My cousin isint going on hols this year as She has 3 weddings to go to. weddings are crazy expensive in Ireland- usually held in Hotel- 3-4 courses- there might be a round of drinks paid by the B and G or parents of B and G for the whole crowd . They are mostly a 2 day affair. ie a bbq or music in the pub the next day. People might stay over in hotel- if its a group of friends you wouldnt really wear the same outfit to multiple weddings. The biggest local wedding I heard of lately was 500 attendees- they dancefloor was packed!!! thats a crazy number for ireland.

This wouldn't help me either as I can't afford holidays 😂 I definitely wouldn't fit in Ireland! It sounds lovely though if you can afford it I would love to attend a wedding like that and have a big social circle lots of parties etc.

Summerscoming23 · 15/07/2023 20:42

SoShallINever · 14/07/2023 19:38

Well I never! Are you sure they are actually Irish?
All the Irish weddings I've been to have been at least £200 minimum gift.

This exactly. All irish people will.show up with at least 200 in a card,more depending on the venue.

Wheredoistart78 · 15/07/2023 20:48

I got married in Jamaica and didn't want any presents as people were paying to travel.

Belltentdreamer · 15/07/2023 21:01

redskytwonight · 15/07/2023 19:00

Like I say, I must have unusual friends ... I'm not talking about formal dinner parties, I'm just talking about going round to a friend's for a casual dinner. A lot of my friends don't drink, or will be driving. The host (unless they've asked otherwise) provides the drink (no expectation that it will be alcoholic). We roughly split the hosting so it evens out. We did all used to take a bottle but as we never drank them and ended up taking them home again, we stopped the practice.
I think it's more odd that you'd go round to a friend'shouse and always feel obliged to take something.

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Well let’s agree to disagree. I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess. If I knew people didn’t drink maybe I’d bring a nice soft drink or 0% beer.
I guess I am part of a a social group that likes a drink and we all are lucky enough that a bottle or bringing a few bits is a purchase we wouldn’t need to think about financially. Plus I enjoy giving my host something nice 🤷‍♀️

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 15/07/2023 22:46

They don't want presents. It's actually rude to get them a present because they have indicated they don't want one.

If you still absolutely must, then make it money or vouchers. Or a charity donation in their name (although not everyone likes this but if you go with something mainstream or something you can tell would suit their interests, they will be polite and not criticise it I am sure).

Do you even know that they drink, and like champagne? Even if they do, everyone gives them a bulky unsolicited gift, how on earth will they get it home?

Last time someone bought me unsolicited champagne, it ended up as a raffle prize at the local school.

They know you'll have spent money to get to Ireland, and many people don't want lots of presents for logistical or environmental presents. If they were amenable to presents they would've said so or indicated that if people really must, there's a list or an account or travel vouchers could be used if received (stating the company).

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 15/07/2023 22:48

*environmental reasons

Moredramathanrazzamatazz · 15/07/2023 23:01

I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess.

That's because you like performative gift-giving which is for yourself and not for the host or recipient. If you are asked not to do something, try not doing it!

cloudsintheceiling · 15/07/2023 23:04

I wouldn't give them anything, and if they didn't like it then they shouldn't have said what they said. But that's my literal minded neurodivergence talking.

phoenixrosehere · 15/07/2023 23:05

Belltentdreamer · 15/07/2023 21:01

Well let’s agree to disagree. I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess. If I knew people didn’t drink maybe I’d bring a nice soft drink or 0% beer.
I guess I am part of a a social group that likes a drink and we all are lucky enough that a bottle or bringing a few bits is a purchase we wouldn’t need to think about financially. Plus I enjoy giving my host something nice 🤷‍♀️

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I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess.

Even if the host told you not to?

Teder · 15/07/2023 23:29

Belltentdreamer · 15/07/2023 21:01

Well let’s agree to disagree. I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess. If I knew people didn’t drink maybe I’d bring a nice soft drink or 0% beer.
I guess I am part of a a social group that likes a drink and we all are lucky enough that a bottle or bringing a few bits is a purchase we wouldn’t need to think about financially. Plus I enjoy giving my host something nice 🤷‍♀️

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For a planned dinner gathering where there’s lots of effort, I would bring something.
For a casual evening meal where they’ve made spaghetti and garlic bread and a movie? That would feel weird bringing something. I have close friends who are more like family, it’s very low key.

InAnyOtherLife · 15/07/2023 23:45

Getoutofherenow · 14/07/2023 22:27

There have been times when I have happily paid the expected amount and not attended the wedding. In Ireland being tight with money is social suicide.

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So true :)

HawdMeBack · 16/07/2023 08:18

WillyLows · 15/07/2023 20:17

@HawdMeBack

*Yes we did.

I find these replies very weird! I'd be honoured if someone asked me to be such an integral part of their big day. The way folk are going on is as if the people invited are doing the bride and groom a favour! If that's how they feel they should refuse, not begrudging accept. *

There was no expectation for the wedding party to spend ANY money, other than on their holiday. That was their choice. EVERYTHING else was paid for for them. I don't think expecting a card is a big ask.
*
It's not the same as a holiday if someone else chooses where, when and who you go with!

It's not a treat to get something you might never want to wear again or even like!

The level of entitlement is nuts!

On this basis, if I was ever to get married again and someone had done all this for my wedding, absolutely no way would I expect a gift on top.

As I said, I find this point of view strange.

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 09:59

Teder · 15/07/2023 23:29

For a planned dinner gathering where there’s lots of effort, I would bring something.
For a casual evening meal where they’ve made spaghetti and garlic bread and a movie? That would feel weird bringing something. I have close friends who are more like family, it’s very low key.

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I would turn up with something to every event - except a coffee with a close friend. Definitely a bottle of something even for a casual dinner - there would be wine served, so bringing a bottle would be entirely appropriate. The thing that you don't do is bring what you haven't consumed home with you.
The in-laws turn up at my house with one arm as long as the other when we are cooking them dinner. I think it's rude - they never host and we don't have a "just drop in whenever" relationship. I understand it's their way - but it irks, I guess that's inlaws for you.

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:04

phoenixrosehere · 15/07/2023 23:05

I would never turn up empty handed to somewhere - it’s just not in my nature I guess.

Even if the host told you not to?

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Yes, even if the host told me not bring anything, I'd bring a bottle of wine - everyone I know does this, it's expected, it's basic, bringing something is doing a course, eg pudding.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 16/07/2023 10:09

‘We said no gifts at our wedding and it was infuriating the amount of people who turned up with tat anyway that all went to the charity shop or gave us money we didn’t want/need’

Cute! Did you write this in your thank you cards to your guests? 🤣

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:15

Useruser0912 · 15/07/2023 19:23

What happens if your are invited to an Irish wedding and can't afford to gift £200? There is no way I could ever afford to give that as a gift to someone. Even £50 as a gift would be a really expensive to me (luckily I have a small family and not many friends so haven't been to a wedding for years!). I guess I would have to decline the invite in this situation? As someone also mentioned you'd be considered a cheeky fucker to give a £50 gift. £200 is a lot of money to me I can't imagine having to give that to a close friend never mind a colleague etc.

In my experience - people do make allowances for single people, students (who will fall under the family gift), people on low incomes. But if you appeared wealthy and you gave below the expected you would be judged, it would be taken as a bit of an insult. My sister married an Englishman and the gifts from the English side were cheap by comparison - we had no idea there was a cultural difference on gifting but the general consensus was English people were tight, and so they were badly thought of (in the 1990's that was an easy place to get to - the English were badly thought of anyway!)

phoenixrosehere · 16/07/2023 10:19

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:04

Yes, even if the host told me not bring anything, I'd bring a bottle of wine - everyone I know does this, it's expected, it's basic, bringing something is doing a course, eg pudding.

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Yes, in your group. It would be considered rude in others but nothing (usually) would be said and it would be given back to you when you leave.

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:25

phoenixrosehere · 16/07/2023 10:19

Yes, in your group. It would be considered rude in others but nothing (usually) would be said and it would be given back to you when you leave.

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Why would someone wait till you leave to hand you back a gift, they had taken from you, that is so awkward. Surely they'd just say no thanks, when being handed the gift. Receiving it with thanks and then handing it back 2 hours later is weird.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/07/2023 10:28

I would take a nice card and that would be it

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2023 10:30

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:25

Why would someone wait till you leave to hand you back a gift, they had taken from you, that is so awkward. Surely they'd just say no thanks, when being handed the gift. Receiving it with thanks and then handing it back 2 hours later is weird.

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Neither scenario would happen. They’d take it, say thank you and either open it or put away in a cupboard. At least if they had any manners at all.

phoenixrosehere · 16/07/2023 10:30

Getoutofherenow · 16/07/2023 10:25

Why would someone wait till you leave to hand you back a gift, they had taken from you, that is so awkward. Surely they'd just say no thanks, when being handed the gift. Receiving it with thanks and then handing it back 2 hours later is weird.

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It would be assumed that it was something you wanted to have with your meal since if you were told not to bring anything by the host, that’s what is meant. It would be offered to you during the meal and if you declined, given back before you left.

phoenixrosehere · 16/07/2023 10:31

Blossomtoes · 16/07/2023 10:30

Neither scenario would happen. They’d take it, say thank you and either open it or put away in a cupboard. At least if they had any manners at all.

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Manners would also mean listening to the host.