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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

212 replies

transylvanianfamilies · 14/07/2023 19:20

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash?

DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

OP posts:
StormInaDcup99 · 14/07/2023 19:38

In Ireland it would be seriously almost unheard of for someone to turn up to a wedding with no gift/cash.

I'd put 100 euros in an envelope ie 50 euros each

Cafog · 14/07/2023 19:39

Presuming most of the posters are British, and knowing the difference in British and Irish attitudes to wedding presents and the fact thst the couple are Irish I'd definitely give some cash.

caringcarer · 14/07/2023 19:39

I thought Irish weddings tended to give very generous cash donations to the wedding couple. You might find others are gifting £200 or more if attending the full service and wedding breakfast.

LadyTemperance · 14/07/2023 19:39

Don’t get alcohol, imagine having 100 bottles of plonk from your guests.
I would put a cheque in a card. If they genuinely mean it they won’t cash the cheque.

Gall10 · 14/07/2023 19:39

I always think couples who say ‘no presents’ really just mean ‘we’ve paid for your lunch now give us money back to spend on what we want’.
Wedding should be about celebrating with family & friends….gifts aren’t important & cash is just plain greedy.

Saschka · 14/07/2023 19:40

SoShallINever · 14/07/2023 19:38

Well I never! Are you sure they are actually Irish?
All the Irish weddings I've been to have been at least £200 minimum gift.

It’s possible they are relaxing that for people flying over from the UK, who will probably be forking out the best part of £500 to attend already.

But yes generally, give cash. Turning up empty handed is rude.

phoenixrosehere · 14/07/2023 19:40

redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 19:24

They mean they don't want a gift. So don't buy them a gift.
Why do people think that their desire to get someone a gift trumps the other person's desire not to have one?

Agree.

We said the same thing for our destination wedding because we didn’t want anything and didn’t want to have to take any gifts back on a plane (didn’t have the room and wasn’t going to buy another suitcase to do so) or worse having to ship it to the UK. Some don’t realise how expensive it is and the receivers end up paying more than what the actual gift cost.

TropicalTrama · 14/07/2023 19:41

They mean that they don’t want presents. Listen to them. We said no gifts at our wedding and it was infuriating the amount of people who turned up with tat anyway that all went to the charity shop or gave us money we didn’t want/need which felt really awkward. I didn’t mind the champagne though! If you know they drink it and you’re determined to ignore their request then I think that would be best.

SafeAsAMouse · 14/07/2023 19:42

I’d hate if I asked for no gifts and then someone brought a gift or money. It’s really rude to do that.

ManateeFair · 14/07/2023 19:45

If they wanted/expected cash, they'd have said something like 'As we've already set up home together we don't need gifts, but if you'd like to get us something a contribution towards our honeymoon would be hugely appreciated'.

'Your presence is our present' means 'don't give us anything'.

MrsSucculent · 14/07/2023 19:47

Yes still give. It just means we’d like money because we already have a toaster but we can’t ask for money. So we’re going to pretend we don’t want or need anything in actual fact we’d love some cash because weddings are reeeeally fucking expensive.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/07/2023 19:48

redskytwonight · 14/07/2023 19:24

They mean they don't want a gift. So don't buy them a gift.
Why do people think that their desire to get someone a gift trumps the other person's desire not to have one?

I 100% agree

these threads are so weird though because people then twist themselves inside out to pick the perfect personalised cheeseboard / tacky photo frame the couple won’t use or accuse the couple of saying they don’t want presents but of course what they actually mean is they want cash, they grabby fuckers

no gifts means no gifts. Don’t stress it, get a nice card and accept that many couples are fortunate enough not to want or need loads of money and gifts

Cafog · 14/07/2023 19:50

OP post on Craicnet, to see if the responses are different..

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/07/2023 19:55

Please do not go to an irish wedding with your arms swinging.

Put €100 in a card.

Or do what some people did for us and we now do for others - give the gift of a night out (activity of some sort, drinks and dinner) it is GREAT fun and we made some lovely memories.

Justhereforaibu1 · 14/07/2023 20:00

Usually those poems say that plus... but if you really wanted to get us something a contribution to xyz would be great, so I don't know what it meant a really without the final bit, maybe they do just want your presence! Echo what others have said, a Irish wedding usually means 150/200 euros plus

Confusion101 · 14/07/2023 20:00

You do not have to get them a gift.

If you are hell bent on not going empty handed, give them a really nice personalised card as someone suggested, or €50 max (which is almost unheard of a a wedding gift in Ireland, it's usually €100 per person minimum, dunno why or how that started tbh).

I really really wouldn't give a physical gift, drink or otherwise!

HermeticDawn · 14/07/2023 20:01

ShirleyPhallus · 14/07/2023 19:48

I 100% agree

these threads are so weird though because people then twist themselves inside out to pick the perfect personalised cheeseboard / tacky photo frame the couple won’t use or accuse the couple of saying they don’t want presents but of course what they actually mean is they want cash, they grabby fuckers

no gifts means no gifts. Don’t stress it, get a nice card and accept that many couples are fortunate enough not to want or need loads of money and gifts

Show quote history

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a key cultural difference.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2023 20:02

My favourite recent invite had:

NO PRESENTS in full caps on it. Also, 'wear shorts there will be a water fight'. Grin

DinoMummsy · 14/07/2023 20:05

I would just assume they genuinely don't want any gifts, and respect their wishes. Esp as you're already paying out for flights/hotel etc. Unless you're mega-rich, in which case give them cash or diamonds 🤪

SarahAndQuack · 14/07/2023 20:08

I'd definitely bring a gift - IME that phrase is a graceful way of trying to indicate to people they shouldn't stress about the value of the present. It's nice of them.

Neighbours87 · 14/07/2023 20:17

Yea and Irish wedding in Ireland means cash. £150 -£200 is standard

Foxglovers · 14/07/2023 20:23

I think this means they don’t expect or want anything! If people are already paying money to travel and stay at the wedding I think it’s totally normal for the couple to say no gifts?

garlictwist · 14/07/2023 20:24

I wouldn't give any gift. They've said they don't want one. But then I am a very literal person and often get things wrong.

Tiredmummaoftwo · 14/07/2023 20:28

They definitely don't want a gift. Give cash or nothing.

CruCru · 14/07/2023 20:31

I don’t know very much about Irish weddings … it may be that you are expected to give cash.

However if people have flown from the UK and are staying in a hotel then they are already paying a fair bit. If the hen do was abroad, it could be that the wedding has cost this guest a grand. This is a lot of money to most people. Wedding season is expensive.