If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

[transylvanianfamilies]

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash?

DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

I would not bring a gift, I'd just bring a card.

OMG a cheque in 2023 that they have to go into town and find a bank branch still open to put it in their accounts. What a hassle.

@Gwenhwyfar no the 'that's nice' was about the charity donations!
(I can cash cheques on my phone banking app though)

I can bank a chq via my banking app.

Well they wouldn't open the card until after the wedding so no you wouldn't get turned away 😂 but they would prob consider you a CF. The idea came from "covering the cost of your meal" please a little extra as a gift. The only time I've given less than 100 per person is when they speficifed "your presence is our present" but we still gave them money

Ok. I live in a country where cheques are dead except for very special circumstances.
I went to an anniversary party where they specified donations to charity, so I suppose people would say if that was what they wanted.

Plus* a little extra

If you give £50, you will just have given a gift that would be considered below average in value. You might choose to give a £5 and nothing will happen.

“DH reckons this is a nod to the fact that we have already spent £240 on flights for wedding, £160 for hen, £180 for stag, easily £600 combined on accommodation for the wedding/hen/stag, plus spending money, outfit etc and we should take them at their word and just write a card.”

^I completely agree with your husband. I would just give a card.

DH reckons this is a nod to the fact that we have already spent £240 on flights for wedding, £160 for hen, £180 for stag, easily £600 combined on accommodation for the wedding/hen/stag, plus spending money, outfit etc and we should take them at their word and just write a card.

Exactly. Do this.

(Honestly - we Irish are great at not saying what we mean, but not in this case. If they wanted gifts, they wouldn't have written this)

@HawdMeBack

Did you choose his wedding outfit to fit in with your taste and theme? If so, that doesn't count as a bonus for him.

The amount people are expected to spend because someone else chooses to get married now is absolutely nuts.

I live in Ireland and it is usual to give a gift - either money or a gift voucher from a particular shop or there may even be a gift list. However I think this couple genuinely don't want a gift, putting their guests to more expense.
If you and the couple live in the UK why don't you send a bottle of whatever they like to drink and a card to them either before or after the wedding wishing them a happy life.
They won't want to be looking after gifts at the wedding or having to lug take them back to the UK afterwards.

I think this thread shows that it's a real shame that some vague notions of "politeness" and the "done thing" mean that friends can't tell friends exactly what they mean and be believed.

We said we didn't want wedding presents. We meant it. Some people gave us cash or vouchers. Some people gave us actual presents which are virtually all still in a box in the loft 20 years later because we genuinely didn't want them, have no use for them, but didn't quite like to throw out something someone had given us as a wedding present.
Other friends have said "we already have everything I need and have no room for anything else in our small flat; if you did feel you really wanted to give us anything we'd be happy to have a contribution to our honeymoon fund or a donation to x charity which is important to us for xyz reason". They still got presents.

Also mentioned on here is when you're invited to dinner and the host says "please don't bring anything". Maybe I have unusual friends but when one of my friends says that, they mean it. It they wanted you to bring a bottle they would equally state this.

Politeness and etiquette should be all about making people feel welcome and at ease. That means making sure your guests understand what is expected of them. Not about forcing them to analyse your communications and try to work out the unwritten subtext.

I’d have to decline all weddings. Imagine being judged for having the audacity for being low income?!
I’m not talking about multi millionaires turning up empty handed without even a card but average working people who genuinely don’t have the cash.

Also mentioned on here is when you're invited to dinner and the host says "please don't bring anything". Maybe I have unusual friends but when one of my friends says that, they mean it. It they wanted you to bring a bottle they would equally state this.

Politeness and etiquette should be all about making people feel welcome and at ease. That means making sure your guests understand what is expected of them. Not about forcing them to analyse your communications and try to work out the unwritten subtext.
Totally agree with this. It's about making people feel at ease, or should be. But then sometimes I read things on here and think a lot of posters actively look for situations to prove they're so much better at hosting/being a guest in a bizarre way.

If I invite my friends round, it's because I want to see them. I'd hate for them to feel obligated to bring me a bunch of flowers and chocolate just because I've invited them for lunch. My hospitality is genuine and with no strings attached.

Do people seriously have so much money to burn that they get into an endless cycle of spending money on wine/flowers/chocolate whenever they go to a friend's house?

We didn't 'expect' anyone to do anything. They were invited and chose to accept the invitation. There was no obligation. I don't see how attending an event then means you can't/shouldn't write a card?! 'Thanks for including me in your special day', 'congratulations, wishing you every happiness'. Strange!

I can credit a cheque on my phone.

The charity donation route is the best one.

Yes we did.

I find these replies very weird! I'd be honoured if someone asked me to be such an integral part of their big day. The way folk are going on is as if the people invited are doing the bride and groom a favour! If that's how they feel they should refuse, not begrudging accept.

There was no expectation for the wedding party to spend ANY money, other than on their holiday. That was their choice. EVERYTHING else was paid for for them. I don't think expecting a card is a big ask.

Yes most people bring a bottle when they visit a friend for a meal they’ve cooked for them, I mean come on! I wouldn’t turn someone away if they didn’t but genuinely don’t know anyone who world turn up empty handed.

Like I say, I must have unusual friends ... I'm not talking about formal dinner parties, I'm just talking about going round to a friend's for a casual dinner. A lot of my friends don't drink, or will be driving. The host (unless they've asked otherwise) provides the drink (no expectation that it will be alcoholic). We roughly split the hosting so it evens out. We did all used to take a bottle but as we never drank them and ended up taking them home again, we stopped the practice.
I think it's more odd that you'd go round to a friend'shouse and always feel obliged to take something.

And many of us don’t nor expect people to. We’ve had friends and family over and never expected them to bring anything with them and have declined when asked.

People usually ask and we decline. Not had anyone bring anything for a meal despite this. Saying that, most people we know drive to us and aren’t going to drink because of it.

What happens if your are invited to an Irish wedding and can't afford to gift £200? There is no way I could ever afford to give that as a gift to someone. Even £50 as a gift would be a really expensive to me (luckily I have a small family and not many friends so haven't been to a wedding for years!). I guess I would have to decline the invite in this situation? As someone also mentioned you'd be considered a cheeky fucker to give a £50 gift. £200 is a lot of money to me I can't imagine having to give that to a close friend never mind a colleague etc.

What happens is people forgo holidays. My cousin isint going on hols this year as She has 3 weddings to go to. weddings are crazy expensive in Ireland- usually held in Hotel- 3-4 courses- there might be a round of drinks paid by the B and G or parents of B and G for the whole crowd . They are mostly a 2 day affair. ie a bbq or music in the pub the next day. People might stay over in hotel- if its a group of friends you wouldnt really wear the same outfit to multiple weddings. The biggest local wedding I heard of lately was 500 attendees- they dancefloor was packed!!! thats a crazy number for ireland.

Yes most people bring a bottle when they visit a friend for a meal they’ve cooked for them, I mean come on! I wouldn’t turn someone away if they didn’t but genuinely don’t know anyone who world turn up empty handed.
Maybe in your circle and you've all got money to burn in a circle of obligatory wine/chocolates/flowers giving, but many friendships don't work like that.

The way me and my friends work is that we all host each other and everything evens out. An extra £10-20 per social occasion adds up.

I'd rather see my friends than have them either decline because they haven't got the MN-obligatory bottle of wine, or feel awkward and uncomfortable that everyone else is trading obligation wine they don't.
It wouldn't surprise me if some of these obligation bottles of wine go from mumsnetters house to mumsnetters house because nobody wants to risk saying "isn't it silly everyone spending an extra £10/20 each time we meet up to pass some sort of test"

redskytwonight phoenixrosehere your friends sound like mine.

@HawdMeBack

*Yes we did.

I find these replies very weird! I'd be honoured if someone asked me to be such an integral part of their big day. The way folk are going on is as if the people invited are doing the bride and groom a favour! If that's how they feel they should refuse, not begrudging accept. *

*There was no expectation for the wedding party to spend ANY money, other than on their holiday. That was their choice. EVERYTHING else was paid for for them. I don't think expecting a card is a big ask.
*
It's not the same as a holiday if someone else chooses where, when and who you go with!

It's not a treat to get something you might never want to wear again or even like!

The level of entitlement is nuts!

On this basis, if I was ever to get married again and someone had done all this for my wedding, absolutely no way would I expect a gift on top.