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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a couple say “your presence is our present”…

212 replies

transylvanianfamilies · 14/07/2023 19:20

…and it’s a wedding abroad (only Ireland and one of couple is Irish) after a hen abroad then you still get them a gift or bung them some cash?

DH says no. I think £50 and/or bottle of nice champagne. I couldn’t turn up to a wedding empty handed.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 14/07/2023 22:22

Because it’s just polite. They are saying all sorted for food. You’d really turn up at a friends house without a bottle?? Sit and eat their food and drink their drink all night. You shouldn’t need to be asked in that circumstance, just know what would be polite.
We all ask each other what would help and tell each other. It works for us.

My friends don't all drink alcohol, often people are driving, and I'm also teetotal. I've taken fresh home made bread to friends before. They've brought a side salad round to mine or something they've baked.

Not everyone has friendships that are based on people saying the very opposite of what they mean and then pulling cat's bum faces if their friends don't arrive with enough bottles of wine or nice enough chocolates

EarringsandLipstick · 14/07/2023 22:23

Is it normal for Irish couples to say "your presence is our present" though?

Not unless they mean it.

Honestly, why would someone say that & yet expect a gift?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 22:24

I would get something they won't have thought of, like an Etsy print of their first song lyrics or take some beautiful pics and then print them into an album or make a video of their day as a surprise if they don't have a videographer. Or send them something afterwards like a hamper or box of wine to say thanks for such a great party

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2023 22:25

DaftyLass · 14/07/2023 21:10

If they are just starting out, I send a cheque, if they are established, I make a donation in their name to Food Banks Canada.

That's nice!
Shows that you still wanted to something to celebrate them but still respected their wishes

EarringsandLipstick · 14/07/2023 22:25

@Berlinlover

I agree it's unusual, and gifts are usually expected.

But they've said not to. Especially if I was travelling from the UK, I'd take it as genuine.

Confusion101 · 14/07/2023 22:25

EarringsandLipstick · 14/07/2023 21:42

I'm Irish.

While I agree that typically the gift for Irish weddings is €200 - €300 per couple, on this occasion I would take them at their word.

They are hopefully considerate friends who are taking into account the cost of travel from the UK & accommodation in Ireland.

Don't give them a gift; send them a lovely card. If you take any nice photos on the day, send them copies, perhaps a framed one, especially from later in the day when the formal photographer is gone.

I'm Irish and I agree with this. I would definitely not be giving the standard 200 per couple if I saw this on an invite. I've only seen this on one invite to a wedding we had abroad and we gave them 50 in a nice card.

One thing I am absolutely certain on.... DO NOT GIVE THEM A PHYSCIAL GIFT!!!

EarringsandLipstick · 14/07/2023 22:26

One thing I am absolutely certain on.... DO NOT GIVE THEM A PHYSCIAL GIFT!!!

Totally!

Confusion101 · 14/07/2023 22:26

@EarringsandLipstick I actually love your idea of giving them photos after the wedding. That's fab!!

Getoutofherenow · 14/07/2023 22:27

fancreek · 14/07/2023 22:12

*Also, €200 can be the "going rate "but like fuck am I giving that to someone just because it's expected!

There have been times when I have happily paid the expected amount and not attended the wedding. In Ireland being tight with money is social suicide.

Teder · 14/07/2023 22:31

Coffeaddict · 14/07/2023 21:33

It is but I have a large amount of English friends relatives travelling for my own wedding in ireland next year. As they will need to travel and are not used to this etiquette I wouldn't expect the 200-300 that I would expect from my Irish friends and relatives.

That goes both ways for my Irish friends I have given hundreds for their weddings but when I have gone to English friends wedding I have given 50. The bride and groom would be aware of differences between the two countries

Show quote history

I wouldn’t “expect” such a huge sum from friends and family. I’d “expect” a card and good wishes. Gifts are lovely, of course.
I don’t have this sort of spare cash and I’m not particularly low income, just have a mortgage and children. We’ve had a run of weddings, it’s completely unaffordable to gift that amount 5 times a year.
Perhaps you are all very rich.

Getoutofherenow · 14/07/2023 22:39

Teder · 14/07/2023 22:31

I wouldn’t “expect” such a huge sum from friends and family. I’d “expect” a card and good wishes. Gifts are lovely, of course.
I don’t have this sort of spare cash and I’m not particularly low income, just have a mortgage and children. We’ve had a run of weddings, it’s completely unaffordable to gift that amount 5 times a year.
Perhaps you are all very rich.

Show quote history

It's not just what the bride and groom expect - it's what the parents of the couple expect too - what they have given to other's kids. Give a small wedding gift and that will stand out and be remembered for years (or at least that's the fear)

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/07/2023 22:48

I would appreciate that the b & g are thinking of their guests. I still I'm an old fogey find it shocking that guests are ever expected to travel for a hen night as well as the wedding.I would give about £50.00 but can afford it.

RuthW · 14/07/2023 23:06

Interesting replies. We were thinking of doing this. We are teetotal so don't want champagne. Would we be better asking for a donation for a favourite charity?

RuthW · 14/07/2023 23:16

gogomoto · 14/07/2023 20:38

I give a nominal gift or gift card for John Lewis. If the couple have been together years or are older and affluent I would take them at their word to be honest. I am toying with whether I actually want to legally marry (practical issues) and if we go ahead it will be strictly no gifts but we'll collect for the food bank and church outreach programmes with the city homeless. I have enough homewares for 2 lifetimes already!

We are marrying this year for practical reasons. I think I might pinch this idea. Thanks.

coronabeer · 14/07/2023 23:23

When I got married, we said we didn’t want presents because we didn’t want presents. Or cash. A couple of people gave us small gifts anyway, which was kind. But not in any way expected.

Why is it so hard to accept that when people say they don’t want gifts, they don’t want gifts?

(In my experience, if people prefer cash or gift vouchers, they don’t seem to have any problem saying so).

Cosyblankets · 14/07/2023 23:26

We genuinely wanted nothing

Original poster
transylvanianfamilies · 14/07/2023 23:29

ah I’m torn. Excellent point not to give champagne which they would then have to bring back to the UK somehow.

Appreciate that €€€ is the norm for Irish weddings but I’ve been to a fair few and have never seen anyone be shy about it.

DH reckons this is a nod to the fact that we have already spent £240 on flights for wedding, £160 for hen, £180 for stag, easily £600 combined on accommodation for the wedding/hen/stag, plus spending money, outfit etc and we should take them at their word and just write a card.

I think we could have easily opted out of any of the above if we’d not been able to afford and we should give cash in a nice card.

They’re late 30s and last of our friend group to get married. Been living together for only a year or so. They are honeymooning - maybe I’ll get them some currency for their destination?

OP posts:
dovesong · 14/07/2023 23:54

Currency for their destination is a lovely idea, I would give that or £50 voucher to John Lewis or M&S.

Ghastisflabbered · 15/07/2023 00:00

Cash definitely - I tend to work on the basis that the cash gift should cover the cost to host us for the wedding - so about 50 euro a person or so - 150 euro if both kids have been invited.

Definitely not champagne as well unless you know they’re driving back or someone is driving back else how will they get it all back to the U.K.?

comfyshoes2022 · 15/07/2023 01:29

Give a cash gift.

Malbecmoron · 15/07/2023 01:40

We married last year after many years together. We said 'no presents' because we didn't want presents. I started a thread on here. We got lots of bottles of champagne, a few bottles of spirits, some money (from my mum, not a lot), a beautiful painting, a restaurant voucher and maybe 3 or so more traditional presents like glasses etc. About a third of our guests didn't bring a present. It was good. We didn't want, need or expect anything but what we did get was nice, and not too big.

Threenow · 15/07/2023 02:12

I agree that they don't want anything, although I'm sure they would appreciate a nice bottle of something. They probably don't want a load of things they already have, or don't want, so if people rock up with a gift it kind of defeats the purpose. If a couple want cash instead of gifts they say so.

marshmallowfinder · 15/07/2023 04:02

Why do people ignore what they've asked for? Why do you know better? I think this is so wrong to ignore them and to take something. Their request plainly means no actual present, but just attend FGS. Do that.

Poned · 15/07/2023 08:24

HawdMeBack · 14/07/2023 21:43

He also wasn't obliged to accept and take the clothes, shoes, gift, food, drink, etc. We genuinely didn't want or expect gifts but to not even get us a card was very poor IMO. I just wouldn't embarrass myself like that.

Show quote history

If you expect guests to spend money on an indulgent hen/stag and wedding abroad, you should not expect gifts off anyone. Especially if you asked for none 🤯

Gwenhwyfar · 15/07/2023 08:40

"All the Irish weddings I've been to have been at least £200 minimum gift."

So what happens if you turn up with €50, you get turned away?
No way would I give 200!