Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

My MIL is lovely 😍

I agree, people seem to have very little patience for their mother in laws small misdemeanours on here, no-ones perfect!

I agree. The demonisation of MILs is ageism and misogyny at its finest. I'm old and remember the many TV 'comedians' whose material was often based on ridiculing their ugly, old, bossy MILs..
That's not to say individual people might not be unpleasant, domineering or manipulative. But it's individuals, not MILs en masse.

Makes me cross!

I don’t, no. People post about the nightmare ones on here, then a thread like this pops up and most people say their MIL is great and they get on well.

I don’t think all family members are equal, no, especially when it comes to visiting a woman who has just given birth, which is when issues seem to be triggered.

Personally I have a son and a daughter and I’m not worried about being a MIL to a DIL or a SIL because I’m a decent person and my own MIL is fabulous. She’s provided me with a great example.

I think if you’re a loving mum to your sons, you don’t have anything to worry about. My male friends who have lovely mums involve them just as much with their children as their partners do their mums.

Depends on circumstances and behaviour. I’ve always been That Girl as DH’s second wife, while it was absolutely fine for the first wife to have affairs leave DH broken before we met.

She’s the golden girl and I’m the home wrecker, because the divorce wasn’t finalised. No recognition of the fact that she was living with one of the men she’d met, who was also married.

DH once said told “they’re not going to drive a wedge between us like they did with my ex”

I do generally agree, but all situations must be taken on their own merits of course.

Family relationships can be complicated. I got on well enough with my MIL and am very grateful for help that was provided. I'd be lying though if I claimed that it was always an easy relationship. It had its good points and its tensions. She was quite a lot more interested in having a relationship with our children than my own more arms-length and hands off parents.

I'm sure my DH could say similar things about his relationship with my parents.

Well my MIL is lovely! I think people just rant online to get it out their system - if someone posts about their annoying MIL, others with a similar experience are likely to reply. I'm hardly going to go into a thread about nightmare MILs to tell them about how fab mine is am I?

I’m the ultimate nightmare on here - step mil and this year got a card saying we love you, thanks for all you do & being the best granny. Made me cry. So we are not all bad!

I am amazed at the hate for MILs. So many are castigated whatever they do even if it's well meaning.

Parents would do well to remember that they too may well become one of the reviled ones in due course and lose access to their DGC over a perceived slight.

Sorry, lots of typos in my post.

I completely agree, it does depend on the circumstances and I’m sorry you have been treated this way.

I’ve had 3 LTRs. The first 2 mums I got on with very very well - I kept in touch with the second for a while after we split. I’m not close to my own mum so there’s no competition there. I assumed people who didn’t like their MILs were probably just pushing them out because they wanted their own family in pride of place.

Then I met DP and unfortunately his mum fits all the stereotypes you read on here. Rude, domineering, jealous and selfish. Desperate to hang on to her matriarch position in the family and seems to think she should have the final say on everything - where we live, what we do, how we bring up our DC. She staged a kind of intervention last month because we’re planning on moving a 20 minute drive away to cut down our commute and she doesn’t want that. Fuck DP getting up so early and home so late, what matters is that we live closer to her so her weekly drop by is more convenient.

I do think that in SOME cases women who run a house with no other females in it get used to being a dictator because they’re surrounded by ‘anything for a peaceful life’ yes-men. And then feel threatened when another female arrives and feel they have to assert themselves.

Mine was vile. Even her family hated her. I have a ds with an amazing partner who I love very much. But I'm not her mum!!! And if children arrive, I will not interfere.

Well, Mumsnet is a self selecting sample, as PPs have pointed out.

But the thing that strikes me from most of the MIL threads is a sense of entitlement. If the OPs are accurate, some MILs seem to feel entitled to an equal amount of "GC time" as the DIL's parents, perhaps forgetting that the DIL is a human being too.

The DIL is usually the one who has carried the child, given birth, is in post birth recovery, perhaps breastfeeding, taking maternity leave, etc etc. If she wants/needs support around her then of course she's going to ask her own mum rather than her MIL. It's not just about access to the child.

And I say this as someone who loves her MIL and would always choose MIL over my own mum. But I can see that's not the norm.

I do think there are a lot of MILs out there who are treated unfairly despite being kind and respectful. There are also a lot of MILs who favour thier DD's children over thier DS's children.

I'm NC with my mother in law, I have tried to make an effort with her but she favours my SIL's children. I had to end contact when one of my DCs got hurt in her care because she decided to take on my SILs at the last minute and stopped watching mine properly. She hadn't had my DCs over for weeks at that point (SIL's 3x a week) and we had asked her to babysit on that occasion months prior. I am sure to MIL's friends and DH's side of the family I am the nasty DIL who keeps her DGCs away from her.

OP Your last self descriptive paragraph describes this self entitled dynamic perfectly.
I believe it is the mothers and sons dynamic which young wives and mothers have difficulty with.
For myself, I certainly didn’t need to know how things were done 30 years ago.
My MiL was instrumental in the demise of my so called marriage.

It’s a universal situation which has always been with us and will remain.

Very true!

Unfortunately I had a MIL who tried to control all aspects of her 3 offspring’s lives. Would say things like ‘Don’t I get a say?’ when BIL was discussing childcare for his family ( in a different country so no imposition of her) ; She complained that DH did not ask her opinion before we accepted an overseas assignment ; she wanted to go to house viewings to see if she approved of SILs choice; she arranged ( unsuccessfully ) a viewing of her neighbours house when DH & I were buying May not sound like much but it was relentless.
To all of these , and many more, demands , the answer was a polite No , but it was exhausting fending her off.
OP , you have read many threads , and are clearly aware of pitfalls , so chances are you will be like my lovely ex- fiancés mum- just a delight. Sadly he was less so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm one and MN has led me to believe we are widely despised.

Unfortunately I had a MIL who tried to control all aspects of her 3 offspring’s lives. Would say things like ‘Don’t I get a say?’ when BIL was discussing childcare for his family

My MIL says that exact phrase as well 😒

She also does things which on the surface seem nice so nobody can criticise but are actually quite interfering. Such as she buys things for our house (soft furnishings), and says they’re a gift, but they’re absolutely not to our taste and she knows this. They’re to make our house look how she wants it to look. She also buys DD frilly dresses despite knowing she doesn’t like them or want to wear them. We’ve said over and over that she prefers t shirts and leggings but the dresses turn up regardless.

She’s a very girly girly type and I think she finds our house and the way we dress our children a bit ‘embarrassing’ in front of her friends who live in the same town.

Oh and I do think that mothers of boys are expected to detach more from thier sons as they grow up. It's seen as totally normal for a woman to be close to her Mum, but when a man has that same closeness with his mum he is seen as a 'mummy's boy'.

It's probably one of the reasons the gender disappointment threads are nearly always about boys.

Is it entitled to want equal GC access?

MIL’s were once mothers of newborns, also gave birth, breastfed etc…
They are aware of how poor DIL must be feeling so probably just want to help.

I'm not worried because I don't intend on being overbearing or disrespectful as an MIL, so I don't anticipate being kept at arm's length. I am also fully aware that my relationships with my sons are a separate thing to their future wives' (assuming they marry women) relationships with their mothers. If I don't manage to build and sustain healthy relationships with my children, I don't get to then say "oh but DIL is close with her mum and sees her all the time with the grandchildren". Not how it works. I see this happen often where adult sons can't be bothered and disengage from loving parents, leaving DIL's family center stage by default. Hopefully this will be less likely to happen to us because DH and I don't teach our boys that organising the social calendar and family is women's work. They will hopefully take their share of the responsibility for maintaining our mutual relationship alongside DH and I.

My MiL is nice and we get on fine…now.

For years she was awful. DH’s sister was the family golden child and DH was the family scapegoat and she treated him, and by extension me and our kids horribly. I have ranted about her many times

She had some sort of epiphany a few years ago, came to visit and apologised to DH for the way she’d treated him, apologised to us for her past behaviour and started taking an interest in our lives.

I’ve no idea what caused the sudden change, but she’s actually quite nice now.

DH’s sister is still a knob, but we live miles away from her and don’t have any thing much to do with her