Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

As long as you don’t expect DIL to make it equal for you.

So many MILs expect the DIL to do the work of facilitating relationships, rather than their son.

You said it’s entitled for MILs to want to spend as much time with their grandchildren as their DILs parents do. Which amounts to the same thing.

Does the young couple feel this way about both sides of the family?

If you behave like a decent human being, and don't impose ridiculous expectations on your daughter-in-law, you will make life easier for everybody, yourself included.

So wanting to be allowed to develop as close a relationship with your grandchildren as the mother’s parents is a ridiculous expectation now?

Starts from a young age. My FIL keeps saying my son is a mummy's boy and it needs sorting out because he's too attached to me, he's 15 months old.

My mum was very close to her MiL and is likewise very close to her DiL, my brother's wife. She always told us it is a wonderful woman to woman relationship, very enriching, and totally different to any other close female relationship. My sister is close to her MiL and agrees with our mum.

I was so excited to experience this bond, and instead I got stuck with a racist, homophobic, bigoted, nasty wretch of a woman who is rude to everyone and as such has no relationship with any of her 3 DiLs. She's just a beast.

I honestly feel really sad I'll never get to experience what my mum told me about. I'm jealous of those that have it.

My (now ex)MIL is totally amazing - best MIL ever and best Granny. Still rings me to ask me over for coffee and catch up, 15yrs post divorce.

She's my role model - should I ever find myself as a MIL!

I am afraid the birth of a child is the time, maybe the only time, when needs and wants of the mother trumps the wishes of the father!

It's the one who just went through labour, sometimes traumatic, sometimes surgical, and who has stitches, a swollen belly, is bleeding and will have to go through an unpleasant first time back in the loo.., sometimes getting her tits out and trying to establish breastfeeding, she is the one who is absolutely entitled to say "I want to be left alone", or "I just want my mum".

Of all the times when the in-laws should WAIT for an invitation, it's the one! Nothing stop them from making it clear they can't wait to visit and to let them know when it's possible.

Totally agree. I am very close to my mum, but also have a fab MIL (the two get on very well too) and wouldn’t dream of favouring one on purpose or pushing MIL out. Because you know what? My kid is my DH’s too (not mine mine mine as most on MN think) and she is an equal GP. Actually, my mum gave our daughter her first ever bottle and MIL pushed the pram coming out of hospital. (DH did the first nappy) haha Everyone was happy

It is, if you refuse to accept that your daughter-in-law doesn't and won't have the same relationship with you as she has with her own mum.

You should expect to have a closer relationship with your own son than he has with his own mother-in-law, what are you doing about that?

I know loads of mils through friends etc. Some are lovely and they do enjoy great relationships with their dils. Some are not and don't. Mine is a mixed bag and we do our best.
I think some lovely mils get unlucky and have a problematic dil relationship through no fault of their own, but I think they're in the minority.
I hope your future is bright in that area, and your life experience will help you navigate tricky waters if you get any by then.

I said it can be, yeah. Not always. But a MIL feeling that they are owed or deserve a certain amount of time, just because someone else had that amount, is entitled. Is it not?

That is absolutely not the same thing as saying MILs should suck it up and accept being second best/held at arm's length no matter how much effort is made 🤣

but it's fine if YOU make the decision and people respect that. Not that someone told you to do so.

Someone else is allowed to make a different choice.

My MIL is lovely. I’m not as close to her as my own mum but she didn’t bring me up so why would I be?! DH is very close to her and phoned her often and we often spend days with his family. It’s not a chore, they are very lovely and fun to be around and let us live our lives as we see fit. The kids love her and we’ve always trusted her and FIL to look after them. They babysit once a month-ish which is fab. We feel that any more would be asking too much of them as they have other grandchildren and our kids are small and tiring! However if they wanted to do more childcare and were physically capable we’d drop the kids off and run out the door!

@RosesAndHellebores ugh what a nasty cow. Mine is the same - SIL had an unmedicated homebirth and boy oh boy do I have to hear about how amazing she is and how she’s obviously an Earth mother extraordinaire. She’ll then say in the next breath how my very medicated induced labours were most unfortunate and maybe a sign that my body doesn’t do well with all of it 😆 she brings it up at nearly every visit!

She knows my mum has severe MH issues and won’t speak to me, yet also insisted on asking at every visit whether she’s phoned yet and when I last saw her DP finally snapped at her that if my mum did get in touch it would be so unusual we would tell her, so please stop asking about it.

Oh I’ve stopped asking them round for meals as I would slave away to make a nice dish and she would poke it around her plate doing a cats bum mouth, refusing to eat because ‘I don’t like the foreign stuff’ and once her mushrooms touched her chicken (I shit you not).

ahhhh cathartic for me too!

I don't feel sorry for my own because she's extremely unpleasant to me and her son.

I do, in general feel sorry, for MILs who are pushed out. Sometimes it is just a natural consequence of men not being proactive in relationships, and women being close to their mums, rather than anything intentional or malicious though.

It’s things like this which are part of the reason why I was so upset when I found out DC3 was going to be a 3rd boy. I actually started a thread about it and was absolutely lambasted by people saying how boys are just as close to their Mums as girls are, there’s no difference, I won’t be missing out on anything at all etc etc.

And yet here we are with a thread full of posts talking about how a daughter’s mother will naturally always come first, that’s just how it is.

The difference for me is the attitude to the MOTHER. The Mother's mother loves her daugher equally and is concerned for her first and foremost, and tries to support her as a parent.
With MIL, however nice (I do get on with mine), as a mum you are seen as a minor inconvenience - MIL just wants you out of the way so she has solo access to the children (first time my MIL met her GC, just back from hospital, she was trilling ' I can't wait for him to come and spend the night at mine' (ie without me his mother)...And if there is any problem with the child, the blame is on you as the parent (eg - oh yes he failed his maths exam because you let him go to cricket the night before). That for me has been the difference. My mother very clearly loves us (me and my children) equally. MIL does not. I remember at one point thinking her perfect scenario would be that now I had actually produced the darling GC, I could fall under a bus. Then she would have the direct access and everything she wanted with them! (I am exaggerating of course, I do actually like her and we get on. But I did find the early years very difficult in terms of our relationship, and there was a lot of resentment over those first couple of years which have taken years to die down).

Well said

My exMIL is a difficult person. She treats her own daughter terribly at times, too so it was never personal. Just incredibly frustrating. Pity, as I’ve had boyfriends in the past who mothers I’ve adored!

I love both of my sons long term girlfriends and I am sure they like me. So I’m hopefully that we will continue to have close relationships. I couldn’t have it any other way.

I think a difficult MIL can cause immense frustration in a marriage (mine did!) which is why people post about it.

The son/new dad is key to this. Too often the stories on here seem to be about the mil and dil when it’s the man who should be organising contact and sets the tone of the relationships.

The reality is that some men don’t want as much of their mum in the equation - they’ve got enough going on. It seems easier to ‘blame’ the wife, saying she’s tired etc. The men are focused on new family and their jobs etc and inviting family can be another thing to fit in.

Such an emotive topic. My MIL (though now mellowed with age) made it very clear from the outset that I was not up to her standards as a suitable wife for her son. I’m not perfect, far from it, but the point is, it wasn’t her choice, it was his! She was hyper critical of everything we did, including when the children arrived, in fact, it got much worse then.
All I can say is that I vowed to be different. It hasn’t been difficult, my sons’ partners have been/are all lovely and I’ve enjoyed/ enjoy spending time with them. I actually enjoy the company of young people and have never in any way felt that there was some sort of competition going on. I try to be respectful, I don’t offer opinions unless asked. I try to be helpful, especially with my grandchildren. I accept that the relationship between mother and daughter is different, again, it’s not a competition, it’s a fact.
I feel very welcomed and dare I say, wanted and included by my DILs .
Don’t worry OP, it can be a great relationship!

my ils want to be friendly and helpful. BUT you can not draw boundaries with them once you welcomed them in, they will go full in and deal with things their own ways.

for example we don't like our photos on other people's social media pages, or to have the location of our house tagged (pretty reasonable I think), but the mil kept doing so. we talked to her about it many times, she did not fight us, but also just kept doing it like nothing had happened.

the fil is an easy going person mostly, but if you invite him over once, he expects to come over whenever he wants and use our house as his holiday home and even to host his friends. he refuses to take hints if h says we are too busy etc., he just pushes on.

also once they are at ours they act like it's their own home, they will appear to be helpful by offering to clean after themselves, but when they do they put everything wherever they see fit instead of ask us where do we keep all the things. the house turns into a giant where's wally after they leave with us trying to find out where everything has gone. but funnily enough they take less care of our things than they do their own. I would like to be courteous and not assume that they intentionally take advantage of us.

I think they struggle to know their place and see us all merge into one big family, which is SOOO not the case with us. we had no choice but to distance ourselves from them although they are no where near nightmere ils.

My advice would be to make an effort with all their girlfriends. Get to know them and try to build a relationship with them independent of your sons (as they become more long term girlfriends).

You don’t know which ones will be the ones to stick around and if you show little interest and act as if they’re a temporary annoyance not to be bothered with, you’ll find yourself out in the cold if they’re the ones who have your grandchildren.

And yet here we are with a thread full of posts talking about how a daughter’s mother will naturally always come first, that’s just how it is.

but why do you need to make it a competition?

You could have a lovely relationship with the couple, and with the children. You might end up babysitting more and spending more time with your grand-kids, who knows.

Why ruining it by whining that the other grandmother was in hospital first, or saw the baby first, or is the one your daughter-in-law called to ask about sore boobs or stitches down there?

Being resentful and annoying the couple because you were not "first" , or only had "2 visits" when someone else was in their house for an entire week.. you are ruining it.