Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

Tiny babies, weekend work and overseas placements aside, spending time with grandchildren only has to always involve spending time with your DIL if your son is a shit dad. Why don't more dads take the grandkids to visit their parents at the weekend or away for a short break, so mum can have a bit of time to herself? Why don't more dads take charge of cleaning the house, cooking and hosting when PIL come to day while the mum slinks off "cycling" or to the shed or work or whatever to avoid them?

I think the problem on these threads is you get such a huge variations in what is meant by MiL from hell, ranging from downright abusive (which is a equally a problem with your husband if that's allowed to continue) to low level tactlessness and interfering. To me, the latter is an irritant, but can and should to be kept in proportion.
Unfortunately there's a lot of people who seem to take the attitude of why should I put up with anything less than my idea of ideal from this unimportant old woman, who's had her turn (this is often explicitly said on threads) and should now be subjugating herself to me because I'm in charge. Her son and grandchildren are MINE and if she wants even a bit part in their lives, that will be on my terms.Obviously in rare cases DiLs do have to take this attitude, but certainly not in all. Its simply power play.
For every case where the MiL is at fault it stands to reason there's another with the DiL to blame. Or where its 50/50. After all perfectly nice women don't turn into nightmares the day their son marries. The MiLs from hell of the future are the possessive, controlling, critical DiLs of today.

People don’t post to say my mil is wonderful in the same way as people do to get frustration out. Struggle to think about anyone I know complaining about their mothers in law.

Excellent post. Completely agree with this. I've seen it time and time again.

Unfortunately there's a lot of people who seem to take the attitude of why should I put up with anything less than my idea of ideal from this unimportant old woman, who's had her turn (this is often explicitly said on threads) and should now be subjugating herself to me because I'm in charge. Her son and grandchildren are MINE and if she wants even a bit part in their lives, that will be on my terms.Obviously in rare cases DiLs do have to take this attitude, but certainly not in all. Its simply power play.

Yep. I know one of those DILs. It's really horrible to watch how she speaks to her MIL. She almost smirks, knowing she has the upper hand.

Agree with this.

See it here constantly the son going off somewhere the moment his parents arrive or not taking time off, leaving his wife to cater to them and yet it’s the DIL that gets blamed for it instead of the parents asking why their adult son wants to get away from them or not spend time with them.

It’s easier to assume his wife is causing it or doing something instead of them asking themselves what they do and/or have done to make their son this way.

that

It's all very good to blame DIL "on a power trip", but when the son is the first one to avoid his own family, there must be some reasons behind it.

I absolutely love my MIL 🥰 I feel a lot more comfortable with her than I do my own mother a lot of the time!

I would get on better with my MIL if she wasn’t a controlling, self absorbed, toxic bitch.
She’s mellowed in recent years. But her earlier, spiteful, damage means I have no interest in anything except keeping her at arms length.

Good point. Also it means, yet again, women doing twice the work, because doubtless the husband will be doing exactly the same with his in-laws as he'll be doing with his parents, possibly even less on the grounds that they're not his family. So the wife is lumbered with organising two sets of grandparents, one set of which she isn't even actually related to!

I really do genuinely believe that most stories about terrible mil's and dil's are the result of just really crappy, lazy sons/husbands. If they actually stepped up and did for their families what dil's do for theirs this just wouldn't generally be an issue.

Not to make this about me but I've never had a MIL (and my dad adored his own MIL, my maternal grandmother, and saw her as a replacement mother as his own mother died young, meaning my own mother also never had a MIL). I also lost my mum young and the one long-term relationship I've had, my girlfriend's mother was like a surrogate mother to me and we got on extremely well.

My MIL is great, we see PIL as much as my parents, when I was in labour both sets of parents cleaned the house, washed ironed and put away all the new baby clothes, put up the baby furniture (I was 6 weeks early and had just got back from a work trip away), and went for a Chinese to wait it out! They arrived together at the hospital to visit the next day.
Next summer me DH DS PIL and my parents are going on holiday together.
The MN nightmare! 😂

My MIL is awful. We got on fine until I had my daughter (she was a mother of all boys and always wanted a daughter).

She got super territorial over my daughter and there was a lot of boundary crossing and our entire relationship changed. Both me and my (now) 2 daughters are no contact with her and DH is very low contact. She's never met my youngest. My kids don't need to be around someone toxic and manipulative - they don't need that in their lives.

I think that maternal and paternal grandparents don't have to have equal amounts of visits (fair doesn't mean equal). My mum passed away before my girls were born but we were super close and would see each other multiple times a week. I expect she would have seen a lot more of my children because I always spent a lot of time with her so her seeing the girls more would be a natural consequence of that.

DH would have to be reminded by me (before the girls were born) to go and see his parents once a fortnight and he always complained about feeling obligated to go so that shouldn't become more frequent JUST because kids get added to the picture.

I didn't choose to join DH's family and he didn't choose to join mine. We chose each other as the person we wanted to build our own immediate (separate) family with and consequently our little family needs our own space and we are completely allowed to decide how much time we want to spend with others outside of our household without comparison or push back. Nobody is entitled to time with us and a title to our children doesn't make anyone entitled to our children.

Kids are not a football game with people keeping score - I think it's just about appreciating the time you get with them (if they spend more time with her family, so be it, it's nobody else's business but theirs). If you make each visit pleasant and enjoyable and make a DIL feel welcomed, they will want to visit more.

I loved my mil, she was never imposing, never unkind or inconsiderate.

On forums you’ll always get lots of people moaning and being mean because that’s the point of the discussion. No one is really going to bother posting if they get on fabulously with their MIL.

That said, I do think that the MIL relationship is tricky by it’s nature. Especially the MIL/DIL one. For most people, your ILs are the only people in your life outside your own family with whom you end up obligated to have a close personal relationship with, and to spend quite a bit of free time with. You can choose friends, work colleagues can be work only, but your ILs are thrust into your life and you into theirs, regardless of whether you get on or not. You also haven’t had anywhere near as many years to get used to their foibles/faults as your partner has, or you have with your own parents. So if you are someone who happens to get on extremely well with your ILs, well then I think you are very lucky indeed.

The issue is compounded with the DIL/MIL relationship because of the uniqueness of the mother/daughter relationship. It’s unusual for a MIL to be able to replicate that relationship with her DIL and whilst that’s completely understandable, it can cause issues especially if the son is not as reliable as he could be at keeping in touch etc.. Then when children come along women will tend to defer to their own mother and/or family for support rather than their MIL (again understandable) which can lead to feelings from the MIL of being left out and from the DIL of interference. Over time, that dynamic can mean that relatively small issues lead to resentments on both sides and even cause the relationship to become a bit toxic.

OK so it’s not the most positive analysis and I am generalising but I guess I am just saying that for a lot of people it is a hard relationship. I like my MIL but I’m not close to her and we’re not at all similar people. That can make it really challenging sometimes. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I disliked her (or her me!). It’s just one of those family dynamics that will probably always be a challenge unfortunately.

All what @stoptryingtomakefetchhappen said.
DH thought that I would jump into a close female relationship with MIL straight away, going shopping, getting hair done together etc. However we would both incredibly different and there was a reason my MIL had no friends. Also any personal information divulged to her was thrown back at you, so I kept at her at arms length.
It’s a forced relationship, it’s like forced fun, it really doesn’t work that way.

My MIL was lovely. Slightly bonkers, but lovely.
My oldest has been with his GF 3 years and I hope she thinks I’m lovely too. (I know she thinks I’m bonkers)

To rely on stereotypes a bit, which I generally don't believe in, I wonder if the MIL issue us that many men rely on women more than women do on men (keeping their house for them etc). So a MIL is perhaps used to caring for her son in a way that means when he has a wife who now cares for him in that way there's potentially competition. But ultimately I think you get unpleasant MILs,FILs, DILs, SILs, parents, and children. Sometimes people clash, it's life. As long as you are respectful you should be fine.

Unfortunately there's a lot of people who seem to take the attitude of why should I put up with anything less than my idea of ideal from this unimportant old woman, who's had her turn (this is often explicitly said on threads) and should now be subjugating herself to me because I'm in charge. Her son and grandchildren are MINE and if she wants even a bit part in their lives, that will be on my terms.Obviously in rare cases DiLs do have to take this attitude, but certainly not in all. Its simply power play.

My husband actually warned me that his own mum was like this, and that he didn't like how she'd pushed his dad's family entirely out of the picture. (When we attended her MIL's funeral, my MIL was at best indifferent and kept nagging FIL about a holiday booking.)

She's outwardly lovely, but she makes no secret of the fact that she'd love nothing better than for all of us to live on the same street as her and her friends, and for my family to vanish from existence, and that anything less is breaking her heart.

Whereas my parents talked about the practicalities of us emigrating without side. We're moving near them precisely because they don't guilt trip us every five minutes.

I used to feel sorry for MiL's, hated the stereotypical resentment of them and was absolutely determined that my relationship with my MiL would be different. Then she showed her true colours and I now feel many things towards her, but sorry is not one of them.

Surely the truth is some people have a lovely MIL and some have the MIL from hell. Same goes the other way round. It isn't really strange as we are all individuals and behave in different ways, there is also chemistry between people. I don't have any issues with the partners of my 4 children but for one I'm like a mum and at the other extreme I rarely see one and have little online contact but when we see each other we get on well, we are just different and in another life we wouldn't be best friends.

I once went to a wedding where the groom was one of 9 brothers. His mother emerged from the church smiling and saying, "7 less shirts to iron every week." Apparently she said it every time one of her sons got married. It did make me smile. I don't think she minded another woman looking after her sons.

Thinking about it on a serious note I wonder if the fact we generally have smaller families makes this more of an issue? If you've got ten or more kids maybe you are more relaxed about it?

Squirrelsnut I blame les Dawson! Lots of others too.you are right ,so many jokes at the Mils expense.I remember Les actually saying he liked his own Mil!

Can depend on personality- my MIL is a difficult person and we’ve not got on well but she has an equally strained relationship with her own daughter.