Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

100% agree

My mil is the greatest woman I've ever met

She treads that fine line between being there for us if needed,but wouldn't dream of poking her snout in

She trues so hard not to take sides and is the strongest woman I've ever met

If I had to really say anything bad about her,I'd say she thinks the sun shines out if dps arse-ive nicknamed him 'gc' (golden child)

It's 100% understandable as she lost her dd to a cruel illness and he's the only dc left

We both adore her-shes a very special lady

My own mother is a narc-I'm nc with her

I have grown up dc now-they are at the age I could become a granny myself and I'm praying my ds2 doesn't have kids with his now girlfriend

They came to stay with us (on way to the airport as we live closer to it than they do plus we where having ds's dog while they where away)

I tried to make her welcome (I tried to recreate my own mil) and she walked in,refused to loom up from her phone,grunted at me,slung herself on the sofa and refused to speak or look at me for just over 24 hours (they stayed overnight)

She's refused to speak a word to me (or dp) everytime I've been with them-more than once Ive tried to speak to her and she walks off while I was mid sentence

I just know that if they have kids,she won't allow me anywhere near them-ds won't put up with this (he told her off for being rude but nothing changed-she told him i was being unwelcome to her-he could see i was trying)

I could understand it if we'd both tried and just didn't gel,but she just refuses to say a word to me

I feel dreadful for saying it,but I pray they don't have any children together

Also MILs who expect to be treated in the same way as the wife’s own mother…. but don’t treat their DIL in the same way they treat their own daughter 🤔

@Sweetashunni I get that. DH called his mum first when DS was born. I didn't mind in terms of my mum or his mum first in theory, but what I did point out to him is that he'd been texting my mum during my labour, and had then disappeared from her text chat at the point at which they rushed us into theatre and things got very hairy... my mum would have sat there panicking about ME as much as about the baby and DH's mum wasn't invested in the same way and hadn't been in as much contact.

Sadly, by time DC2 came along, my mum wasn't with us any more but DH definitely learnt that lesson - she'd have got a call first!

But the difference is they won’t love her at much as her own mum does. They won’t be as interested in her recovery or wellbeing, it’s all about tolerating her so they get to see the baby.

I half agree with this @Sweetashunni

My MIL will never love me as much as one of her own children, but I absolutely felt that she cared about my recovery and wellbeing.

If her daughter has a child, I absolutely expect the dynamic will be different but I think a lot of the sticking points (returning to work and using childcare being the major one) will be exactly the same.

The difference is that her own daughter will probably feel better able to shut those conversations down and move on from them more easily than I could.

@Sweetashunni the lasagne thing in itself sounds fine - they brought lunch with them when they visited so you wouldn't have to "host", but as you only felt like they tolerated you there are clearly other issues which colour all interactions.

Main question though: why would the lasagne be so you wouldn't have to cook for a couple of days? Why wasn't your partner sorting out dinner?!

I don't think it's a one size fits all.

Get on fine with MIL. She helps us with childcare, we actively include her in our family life roughly equally to my parents I would say. Help her out if she needs a job doing etc. She's on her own so try to make sure we see her at the weekends probably more than my parents who have each other for company.

But obviously if it's my day off I would tend to visit my mother with DD and I have more days off than my husband. Husband takes DD out with MIL on his day off etc x

Some aren’t nice though, mine wasn’t. I suspect she wanted DH to stay single forever and she definitely expected him to leave his job and me and move home when FIL died to manage her life for her.
She was also under the misapprehension that she was in charge of me. She should be able to tell me what to eat, where to go, what holidays I should go on, where I should live. I pissed her off because I didn’t do anything she wanted.
I was perfectly pleasant until this behaviour started to criticise my parenting and child so I stopped making an effort.
Of course I’m the one who organised our calendar/visits. So she missed out big time. All she ever needed to be was polite.

Yeah, it is actually. Because by wanting equal grandchild access, you're more or less demanding equal time with the grandchildren's mother, particularly with newborns and babies.

If the pressure to facilitate the equal grandchild time is only placed on the son, and doesn't interfere with breastfeeding or anything else, then that's an issue between the mother and her adult child.

But a lot of the overbearing MILs I've seen or heard about expect their DIL to facilitate this, rather than putting that expectation on their son. And they don't recognise that sometimes the time their DIL spends with her mother isn't primarily about the grandchildren at all - it's about the relationship between the DIL and her mother, and the kids just happen to be there.

For the record - two sons, no daughters, a perfectly nice but very distant MIL who makes no demands whatsoever and a mother who has a relationship with her two DILd which I take as an excellent model - they're close, she sees quite a bit of the grandkids, she's supportive but not overbearing, present but not demanding, and she expects her sons to mediate the relationship, not their wives.

Do you/did you have a good relationship with your own MIL? If so, then you've probably got a decent idea of how to make it work.

I think it's wise to remember that generally, only the people who have a problem with their MIL are likely to be posting about them on Mumsnet - nobody is going to say 'AIBU to have absolutely no conflict with my MIL whatsoever?' or 'AIBU to think that my MIL is spending exactly the right amount of time with my children?' or 'AIBU to treat my DM and MIL equally?' because they wouldn't need to seek advice, so you'll get a skewed idea from Mumsnet on what MIL/DIL relationships can be like.

I think sometimes MILs are awful and sometimes they're brilliant - same applies to DILs. Sometimes the MIL will be at fault, sometimes the DIL will be at fault.

I don't have kids so I haven't experienced the MIL-as-grandparent situation. But my MIL is absolutely lovely and I hope I'm a good, thoughtful DIL to her. I certainly try to be.

Brilliantly put

Most people I know in real life get on fine with their in laws. I saw loads of my paternal GPs (miss them so much). My DC see plenty of their DGM. I do prod DH to facilitate it himself because at the end of the day she isn't my mum so I'm not doing the donkey work to arrange things, but I'm more than happy to participate once stuff is arranged. She's not the sort of person I would be friendly with if I wasn't married to her son - her values and mine are not the same in many respects - but she's a loving GM to my children so I smile and bite through my tongue.

From my experience I feel its all about respect.
Usually the woman is the head of the family in the sence of making arrangements/dealing with the day to day running of the home so that's why it mostly seen in female relationships.
When the child wants to fly the nest, most dm/mil step aside to allow the adult child to find their feet in thier new lives and roles while still being there to guide when needed.
But some can't let go of the matriarch role and belive their child is an extension of them, so they should control their household and the child's house hold. They are unable to take the healthy step back to allow growth and that were the conflict beings.

I think your post and the one above are interesting. As the other poster says it is natural for a new mum to be more likely to want her mum around rather than MIL but then should she complain if her MIL is closer to her daughter's children? If mean if the MIL has been that close support when daughter's children were born isn't it natural they will have a different relationship?

So I suppose your MIL might feel closer to your SIL's children for a reason. Obviously I don't know but you probably do.

I was closer to my mother's mother than I was to my father's mother. She was lovely but there was a distance and yes she was closer to my cousins, her daughter's children. My husband found the same. I think it is quite common.

My daughter's family spend a fair bit of time visiting her husband's parents and extended family and they come to visit a few times a year too. I think it depends how close a family you are in the first place and the son actually making some effort to plan and maintain connections.

This is so lovely! I bet you're an amazing grandparent :)

I think you generally only hear about the bad ones here - or maybe they're not bad but the DILs perceive them to be bad. I love my MIL! And my mum is loved by my brothers wives.
But yes I know what you're saying. Some MILs on Mumsnet to sound awful but there are many cases when I struggle to see what they've done wrong and I feel sorry for them.

I had a truly lovely MIL who died too soon and I regret every day we didn't have more time together and she didn't live to see and enjoy her two beautiful DGDs.

To those on this thread irritated by their MIL, I would say no MIL is worse (for the family, and for your DH) .

Mine made the mistake of being pretty unwelcoming to me from the off and for at least the first 3 years of our relationship )now married for nearly 20 years) made it abundantly clear how much she missed DH’s ex and literally never shut up about her. I am not her cup of tea in terms of politics, approach to life and background.

She has obviously had to accept me but I am not a fan and she would see a lot more of DH and her grandchildren if she were different and not so bloody difficult. We see them fairly often but have also turned down holiday invitations etc as I am not spending a week holed up with her in some remote place.

She is an example to me of what not to do with DS when the time comes. Whoever he brings home I will be nice to and treat well from day one as they could end up being a permanent fixture. Ultimately it’s very often the DIL who holds the cards in the MIL/DIL dynamic and it makes sense not to alienate her!

My DH’s mother passed away before we met, so his Nana was my MIL (died in 2020). I absolutely adored her and appreciated all her help. I feel it has been very equal for my DC in terms of having good relationships on both sides of the family.

Because by wanting equal grandchild access, you're more or less demanding equal time with the grandchildren's mother, particularly with newborns and babies.

Yes, this. Dh is in charge of the relationship between his parents and the DC. I'm there, of course, and engage with them and spend time with them, but Dh has never expected me to spend hours with MIL so that she can be around the DC. Neither has she. In fact, we get on fairly well and when she was more active, always enjoyed the odd day out together - with or without the DC. But she never expected me to take her out when she visited and that made a huge difference.

the number of times I see in RL and on here that MILs turn up to visit and the Dh happily heads out to continue his normal life, expecting his wife to just spend 24/7 with this older lady she barely knows. Insane.

My MIL is perfectly nice. But she's not my mother. And when I'm on my knees from exhaustion from caring for 2 small children, one a non-sleeping baby, with a workaholic husband who's rarely at home, she's not the one I turn to for help. Firstly, because I would never criticise her son to her - what would be the point in upsetting her, it's not like I hold her responsible for the behaviour of a separate grown adult? Secondly, because lovely as she is (and I enjoy her company), she's a visitor in our home. I tidy up for her coming, I change sheets, I hoover, I make food. She deserves it, she does the same for us and is a fantastic host when we visit. But she's not someone I can call sobbing in the morning and say, "please come over, the place is a tip, there's no food, I haven't slept or showered in 2 days and have a migraine and the baby won't be put down".

My mother probably gets more "grandchild time", if you put it that way, but my MIL gets the good stuff. The planned days out, the picnics, the park visits. Watching the older DC at sports day or in his school play. My mother gets to clean our bathroom, hoover our kitchen, do the school run, cajole the older child into doing homework, rock a crotchety baby to sleep... It's my mother who walks the baby around the block at midnight with a coat over her pyjamas because I've just had enough. I can't ask that of my MIL and my husband isn't around to. My mother offers or just does it without being asked.

My MIL'S "small misdemeanor", among many, was to get caught red-handed in my bedroom, snooping through my drawers.

That was it for me.

I'm not the biggest fan of my MiL (she's not horrible, just hard work), but as a mum of two boys as well, I'm conscious to make sure she doesn't feel pushed aside in favour of my own family (who also annoy the fuck out of me!), which means she sees my boys far more than my own mum does.

I do feel like there's a lot of negativity for MiL from DiL on here, which upsets me a bit.

I find the talk of "rights" a bit weird and maybe it exposes where some of the issues are here - parents of adult children feeling they have legitimate rights or at best assumptions of what they should be able to expect from their adult children.

When in reality we're talking about relationships between adults. At their best, they'll be mutually respectful and supportive. At their worst, they'll totally break down.

I think a lot of people on both sides of the relationship would benefit from reframing their expectations and how they view the relationship, away from rights and responsibilities and towards something more adult and mutually respectful.