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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

524 replies

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 10:57

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

OP posts:
LaMaG · 13/07/2023 11:34

I agree they are demonised but the nature of these forums is people only articulate problems and upsetting situations, just like sometimes it seems like all men are lazy and coercive controllers! I'm sure there are as many good examples out there. The issue I think is it is such a thing to navigate if things are already difficult. What makes me laugh is the posters that complain about MIL wanting to give child treats or discipline child and are saying my baby my way are going to turn into those interfering MILs themselves as they seem to think they own their child and can't get that the child is entitled to other relationships.

My Gran who I loved dearly was the MIL from hell, even as a young child I always felt sorry for my uncles wives. Now as an adult I hear the full story and don't know how they coped. So maybe my bar is low but most of the MIL gripes I read here are silly and petty.

DramatisPersonae · 13/07/2023 11:34

I find it a slightly weird question. It's not as if there's a specific subspecies who are MILs and behave in a certain way, just like 'school mums' aren't some group with group behaviours, they're just female fellow human beings who have children at your child's school. MILs are just women who are of an age to have adult children who are in a longterm relationship with a partner the MIL has some relationship with, too.

I think the IL tensions are purely down to the fact that in most cases, you know and love your parents, and have been dealing with/bearing with their strange peccadilloes since childhood, but you generally meet your PILs in adulthood, they're your partner's parents but not yours, and while your partner has likewise been loving them/dealing with them since childhood, you haven't, and don't have that longterm relationship or semi-biological fondness to fall back on.

For instance, both my mother and my MIL are, in their very different ways, tremendously difficult people -- my mother is a lonely, timid, people-pleaser who defers to everyone (to the point where she just agrees with the last thing anyone has said to her and will nod along silently to racist rants because 'it would be rude' to argue), trots about doing things for others, gets overlooked and unconsciously resents it hugely. My MIL is bossy, tactless and unimaginative, hugely overinvested in being clan matriarch and has absolutely no idea that there are other ways of doing things.

I find MIL far more annoying, purely because my siblings and I are used to our mother's ways, whereas DH (though he's heroic around her) find my mother far more maddening, because he and his siblings are used to his own mother.

I think that's natural enough. We all rub along fine, and I adore FIL, who is a generous and kind-spirited man who has had a difficult life, and decades of ill health, but is still going into prisons as a befriender and spent the last years of his working life doing sterling work in a union.

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 11:35

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 11:20

I do think there are a lot of MILs out there who are treated unfairly despite being kind and respectful. There are also a lot of MILs who favour thier DD's children over thier DS's children.

I'm NC with my mother in law, I have tried to make an effort with her but she favours my SIL's children. I had to end contact when one of my DCs got hurt in her care because she decided to take on my SILs at the last minute and stopped watching mine properly. She hadn't had my DCs over for weeks at that point (SIL's 3x a week) and we had asked her to babysit on that occasion months prior. I am sure to MIL's friends and DH's side of the family I am the nasty DIL who keeps her DGCs away from her.

I can absolutely see your point of view and I’m sorry for your children. Totally understandable under the circumstances.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 13/07/2023 11:36

It's similar to step mums who often just tolerate their step children and understandably will never live them as their own children, most mums will feel very differently about their mum than their MIL who are often just tolerated.

What bemuse me though is that they believe that feeling should extend to their own children when from the perspective of the children, they are both their grand mothers in an equal way.

Sweetashunni · 13/07/2023 11:36

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 11:32

Is it entitled to want equal GC access?

MIL’s were once mothers of newborns, also gave birth, breastfed etc…
They are aware of how poor DIL must be feeling so probably just want to help.

But the difference is they won’t love her at much as her own mum does. They won’t be as interested in her recovery or wellbeing, it’s all about tolerating her so they get to see the baby (that’s how it felt for me anyway). Mine brought a lasagne with them… very nice but they put it in the oven and ate it with us for lunch there and then. There was me thinking it was so I wouldn’t have to cook for a couple of evenings.

wutheringkites · 13/07/2023 11:38

I like my MIL very much and overall she has been a great support to me since having my son.

But when she has overstepped (not seriously, and not often), I think it can feel more personal, invasive or judgmental than it would if my own mother (now dead) had done the same thing.

I have no idea what she would say about her relationship with me but I assume she would agree it can be a fine line to tread.

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 11:38

Azaeleasinbloom · 13/07/2023 11:23

Unfortunately I had a MIL who tried to control all aspects of her 3 offspring’s lives. Would say things like ‘Don’t I get a say?’ when BIL was discussing childcare for his family ( in a different country so no imposition of her) ; She complained that DH did not ask her opinion before we accepted an overseas assignment ; she wanted to go to house viewings to see if she approved of SILs choice; she arranged ( unsuccessfully ) a viewing of her neighbours house when DH & I were buying May not sound like much but it was relentless.
To all of these , and many more, demands , the answer was a polite No , but it was exhausting fending her off.
OP , you have read many threads , and are clearly aware of pitfalls , so chances are you will be like my lovely ex- fiancés mum- just a delight. Sadly he was less so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Goodness, this sounds exhausting.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 13/07/2023 11:38

I now realise they only have one purpose to look after all the grand kids exactly to long list of dos and donts and if they don't then other posters will tell them to leave the husband

If they are of no purpose to the kids and grandkids they are useless

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2023 11:39

Well it depends on the MIL. I was vey ready to embrace mine into our family, I even moved my job and home when I met dh to live near them rather than my family. Unfortunately she turned out to be extremely interfering and manipulative so we had to go low contact with her. Dh has been in therapy to come to terms with her behaviour toward him when he was growing up.

I do have friends, who are lovely people who have all sons and get on extremely well with their DILs and are very involved with their grandchildren. So it can work out well!

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 11:39

My MIL is ace and actually saw her GC more than my parents whilst both were local to me. Did she say/do things that niggled me....Yes. Did I do/say things that niggled her......highly likely. Did we feel the need to slate each other online.....nope, never in a month of Sundays. We are all just people and make mistakes and never would I have held my child at ransom. Obviously as you posted there are circumstances where people can be horrible and just count yourselves lucky that if you MIL is horrible at least she isnt your Mum ha ha

Charles11 · 13/07/2023 11:39

My mum is lovely. Kind, generous and doesn't interfere. She has one dil that gets on really well with her and one that wants nothing to do with her, citing some really minor issues that she has blown up.

It's not always the mil that's the issue. I get on fine with mine even though she's done some things that have crossed the line.

Mummy2022FT · 13/07/2023 11:40

I've thought about this and it's one of the reasons why I want a daughter.. grandchildren 9 times out of 10 will gravitate to their mother's side of the family

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/07/2023 11:41

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 11:31

Oh and I do think that mothers of boys are expected to detach more from thier sons as they grow up. It's seen as totally normal for a woman to be close to her Mum, but when a man has that same closeness with his mum he is seen as a 'mummy's boy'.

It's probably one of the reasons the gender disappointment threads are nearly always about boys.

And this is possibly why you feel a lot of MILs favour their DD’s children over their DS’s - if you’re not expected to have a close relationship with your adult son, how are you to develop a relationship with his children?

LemonLimeDivine · 13/07/2023 11:42

It’s like everything in life - some good, some bad.
My now MIL can be a nightmare (drives DH mad too with her behaviour) but more often than not her heart is in the right place.
My ex-MIL was a truly wonderful lady.

Mumsnet is a good place for a rant so that’s probably why we see a lot of MIL related vents on here.

wholivesondrurylane · 13/07/2023 11:43

Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

of course they are not equal, and specifically not around pregnancy and birth. And the problem start when MIL are pushy and try to be controlling. People who are respectful don't tend to create problems.

You cannot expect someone to be as close with their husband's parents as they are with their own mother. How many times do you have MIL demanding to see a new born "for a cuddle", demanding to visit 3 hours after the birth, with no respect for the wishes and the well being of the woman who just went through labour and giving birth.

It's not hard to understand that a woman might be ok to have her own mother when she feels and looks like shit but is not ready for visitors yet. It's not hard to comprehend that a woman is ok to discuss stitches and trauma with her own mother, but is not ready to make MIL a cup of tea.

Once the in-laws manage to put someone off and break the relationship when a child arrives, it's very difficult to get pass it. Once the mother has recovered, then it should be equal between the grand-parents, and putting up with both sides equally, but often it's too late.

Respect your daughter-in law, treat her as politely as you would treat a friend's daughter, and don't pretend you have any RIGHTS in her life. then you'll be fine.

Royalsingingseal · 13/07/2023 11:44

My MIL would arrive and plonk herself on the sofa critique my housework and ignore me. My mum would arrive and bung the washing on and do the dishes. Yes one was more welcomed than the other. 25 years and she still criticises everything

Alway1insomethingstat · 13/07/2023 11:44

So lovely to hear so many people have lovely MILs
i don’t unfortunately.
I don’t think all MILs are bad though. I had an ex who’s mom and I got on like a house on fire. We spent so much time together and she treated me like her own daughter. So no no don’t think all are the same.

some of us are just very unfortunate to have ended up with MILs who have nothing better to do than make DILs miserable lol

as you’re a mother to boys, it’s up to you to break that cycle.
I have a baby boy and whenever he brings home my DIL I’ll remember how badly I was treated and ensure she never feels an iota of that pain.
it’s up to us to change the perception moving forward.

Morred · 13/07/2023 11:45

Nobody posts about things that are run of the mill and basically doing fine.

Do you read the 100s of threads about toxic parents, narcissistic mothers and worry you are one of those?

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 11:46

LizzieSiddal · 13/07/2023 11:39

Well it depends on the MIL. I was vey ready to embrace mine into our family, I even moved my job and home when I met dh to live near them rather than my family. Unfortunately she turned out to be extremely interfering and manipulative so we had to go low contact with her. Dh has been in therapy to come to terms with her behaviour toward him when he was growing up.

I do have friends, who are lovely people who have all sons and get on extremely well with their DILs and are very involved with their grandchildren. So it can work out well!

I’m sorry, it sounds like you genuinely tried with your MIL and this is her own doing.

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 13/07/2023 11:47

My mil is great. Also, I've always been closer to my paternal grandparents than my maternal due to proximity and my dad's parents just being, well, nicer to me as a kid.

Spinet · 13/07/2023 11:47

My MIL was lovely. She was also very, very careful (more careful than necessary, really) about how she built up her relationship with me. I appreciated that very much.

takealettermsjones · 13/07/2023 11:48

MrsPPP · 13/07/2023 11:32

Is it entitled to want equal GC access?

MIL’s were once mothers of newborns, also gave birth, breastfed etc…
They are aware of how poor DIL must be feeling so probably just want to help.

I think it can be. Not always. But the attitude of "DIL's mum got two visits this week so I want two, it's only fair!" is entitled in my book, yeah.

I get that. But it's about who the DIL wants to spend time with, surely. Young baby is attached to DIL, cuz biology. DIL wants to spend time with her own mother. DIL's mum therefore spends more time with baby, by default.

Especially in the days post birth. I had injuries galore and tons of people clamouring to visit. I did let them but I was only actually comfortable with one of them - with the rest I was sitting there, in pain, self conscious, dying for them to leave. I think in that kind of situation it's completely reasonable for a woman to be comfortable with her own mum but not her Mil.

Same with MILs wanting to be in the delivery room! 😬

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2023 11:48

My MIL is brilliant. We’ve got on from the start but we both wanted to. Never argued or fallen out and no boundary pushing from either side.

She was welcome at the hospital after I gave birth and visited every few days for weeks afterwards and was very welcome.

She had my son a day a week from when he was 6 months.

She and I go out together alone, have been away for weekends, she is my family and I love her.

She and FIL are two of the best people I’ve ever met and I would be lost without them.

weststreet · 13/07/2023 11:48

I got on with my ex's mum really well. She was lovely but I was young. Too young for kids etc.

MIL now? Christ on a bike. From the start she accused me of taking her boy away. She stood up in a restaurant with hundreds of people and drunk as a skunk, shouted 'this girl will never be good enough for my boy.'

She is a chronic alcoholic. What actually happened was after my husband had decades of work to try and fix her, to keep a relationship, he'd had enough. I hadn't poisoned anybody.

I had never ever got involved with my DHs decisions with his mum. Just offered support, always. She turned up unannounced at our wedding. Stole peoples wedding favours (homemade strawberry liquor), wet herself in public, not to mention the unfathomable things she did when DH was a child. (Drove him drunk in the car, crashed etc) it was only natural when DD came along that I (for the first time) had something to say. And that we remained NC. She receives an emailed picture of DD every birthday or Christmas via another family member. She now spouts 'weststreet stops me from seeing my baby AND my grand baby' me and DH ignore. He tried and tried. You cannot reason with an abusive alcoholic.

I saw her in a local park and she made a beeline for DD and got to about a metre away before I picked her up and shouted.

But my point is, this could've been MY mum. His aunt. My sister. These problems can be anyone. MILs get an exceptionally hard time on here. On the flip of the coin many boy mums give a whiff if 'my boy would never' as do girl mums. I think there is more enmeshment with adult sons than daughters. And daughters naturally want their mums more postpartum.

TL;DR

My MIL is a fucking nightmare.
My DH stood up to her and tried. It didn't work.
Not ever MIL is like this.

wholivesondrurylane · 13/07/2023 11:49

It's an awkward set-up if you think about it. You can argue with your parents, you can have an opinion with your own family, when you have a normal relationship, but it's usually a non-issue. They're still family, and you are still happy to see each other.

In-Laws are strangers, but you can't just ignore them and move on, you are expected to tolerate them forever.

How many MIL blame the DIL for not getting card/presents/ blame them for not visiting enough and never blame their own sons? It's your kids job to keep you happy, not the DIL.