Does anyone ever feel sorry for MIL’s?

[MrsPPP]

I am a Mother to all boys and am nowhere near being a Grandmother or having a daughter in law, so me asking this is nothing to do with my personal situation right now, but it definitely makes me worry for the future.

I see so many posts about imposing MIL’s etc…. Usually in these posts, OP is female, raved about what a blessing her Mother has been and then rants about DH’s family being imposing or coming round to visit too often.
Are DH’s family not equal? Are they not also Grandparents?

I totally understand that this question is generalised and that some people will have valid reasons (abuse, alcohol issues etc).

I just hope that any future DIL of mine will accept that two sets of loving grandparents is surely better for the children. Also, who doesn’t want extra help?

I think @DramatisPersonae articulates it really well. When it's your own parent, you're used to their little issues and you can adjust. Or even just lose your temper, and it's harder with an MIL. Unfortunately, the way our society is set up, many men who might not absolutely love their MILs are not expected to be close to them, but for some reason, there's this expectation that a DIL and a MIL should be - that MIL can treat her DIL like her DD and try to offer unwanted advice etc etc.

Having said that, I also think that lots of MIL/DIL are just fine - you just don't hear about those ones as much.

I do think though, OP, that you do come across a little, "well, I am entitled to give help when I want to and she should be grateful" so you might want to work on that before your DS start having their own children.

Your MIL is definitely not one of the MIL’s I’m trying to defend. I would be pissed off too.

I’m sure some MiLs* are a bit of a nightmare, but so are some DiLs. I know of two who’ve evidently been determined from the word go, to hate their ILs and separate their dh from his family - and both sets of ILs are perfectly nice, inoffensive people. It’s very sad and in both cases has caused a huge amount of heartache.

My Mil was lovely, and so is DD’s MiL, but then IMO my dd is a lovely DiL, too.

The MN* MiL who stands out for me, is the one who took it upon herself while her son and DiL were away, to go into their bedroom and chuck out a lot of her DiL’s personal things, inc. mementoes and cherished books from childhood.

The MiL then acted all injured - she was only trying to help to ‘declutter’ - yeah, right - and IIRC cried, so it was then all the DiL’s fault for upsetting her. 🤬

Very well put.

Swings and roundabouts. Not all MIL’s are from hell, not all people are nice. If you go to Relationship board you’ll find plenty of posts about toxic family members of all sorts.

Sadly sometimes some people are damned if they do and damned if they don’t and I think step parents and MIL’s are more often in this category.

Mostly you have people here describing the situations they were not comfortable with and seeking validation for their feelings. Quite often this is just a tip of the iceberg and as the full picture emerges it turns out they are seriously mistreated by those who are supposed to love and cherish them (including in laws by extension).

Sometimes it’s difficult to find the right way with people due to their personal views or preferences. Somebody will be grateful for MIL to pop in and run the hoover round,some will be enraged by it ( she thinks my house is dirty,how dare she).

Somebody complained here about being sent flowers as they hate them.Another one doesn’t like home made stuff (preserves or baking) as they are considered unhygienic.

Demands of childcare and all conditions attached, disinterested and uninvolved grandparents- it’s all here.

All relationship are 2 way street.Respect is earned.

Read my other post first but I think you’re being naive to think all MILs are the same

no one’s entitled to your child other than the parents.
I firmly believe all grandparents have to work to build that relationship

You never hear Father-in-Laws complaining that their son-in-law doesn't treat them as they treat their own dads, or don't spend as much time with them as they do with their own dads, or that grand-children were taken to visit the other grandad more often.

You hear plenty from Mother-in-Laws stuck in some weird competition and demanding attention. Why is that?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across that way. I certainly don’t plan on giving advice when it hasn’t been asked. But I do hope to be included. I just read these posts sometimes and think “I hope I never made DH’s family feel like that”

And this is possibly why you feel a lot of MILs favour their DD’s children over their DS’s - if you’re not expected to have a close relationship with your adult son, how are you to develop a relationship with his children?

I think it is, my MIL is very old fashioned and very much bought into the 'daughter is for life, a son is yours until he finds a wife' mantra. My paternal grandmother was the same. It's a shame because I think DH has always wanted to be close to her, and I wanted to get on with her and have two sets of loving grandparents for the DCs. As a result I left it far too long to cut contact, the DCs were starting to notice the preferential treatment of SIL's DCs long before.

If your child is married, are you not a MIL to their partner. A husband's mum may not have the same rights around a new mother, but the grandchild is also their son's child, so surely the same rights there.

I think most husbands are expected to take on their partner's mum, and if she wants to visit weekly that's fine, but the same isn't said about the husband's mum. Obviously, the respective child should be available for the visit where possible

I have a great MIL and is more involved in our kids than my mum is.

I think if you're worrying about that, then you're probably fine. The kind of MILs that are railed against on here generally don't give a flying fig about how their DIL feels as long as they get their way!

I absolutely loved my mil, was like a mum to me and unfortunately never got to meet her grandchildren.
She passed away 10 months to the day her first grandchild was born.
Would of been a fantastic grandmother, I miss her a lot.

I'm one of 4 children. My mum has 2 Daughters in Law and 2 Sons in Law. Both SiL love her, one DiL loves her and the other DiL behaved like my mum was the most evil person she'd ever met which resulted in us not seeing my brother for years until he came to his senses. My point is, you can be a thoroughly decent MIL but you can't win over everyone if they're determined not to like you. This thought really scares me as my children grow up.

These are not the MIL’s that I’m trying to defend. She sounds like a nightmare

I think for every situation where the MIL is at fault, there is a situation elsewhere happening where the DIL is at fault. Plus a whole heap of happy people muddling along in the middle with respect and warmth..

I cant believe that universally mums of boys are just in the wrong about everything all the time.

Mine is a drunken manipulative hag. No time for her.

Previous to her all my past boyfriend’s mothers have been lovely. I still talk to one of them quite regularly.

I’m sorry you only ever felt tolerated. That can’t have been nice

If you’re a decent human being and you treat any future DILs with decency and respect, then you should hopefully get the same in return.
However if you treat your DIL unfairly and like she has stolen your son away, then you might need to expect there to be a strained relationship.

OP, I think if you're aware of not being a twat, it's easier!

I also think that one thing I've noticed with my English friends, is that quite often, before children come along, they have had almost no contact with their in laws. So there's no relationship there. Then suddenly, a baby comes along and MIL wants a level of intimacy that simply hasn't developed yet and that can be quite overwhelming, causing the DIL to push back. Hard.

I have lots of friends from other countries (and I'm not English either) where this isn't the case. They have long established adult relationships with their partner's parents before a baby comes. And that makes it a bit easier.

Also, I think that support from the DH (in your case, your DS) is really important to set the tone. I remember when MIL turned up to visit shortly after DS was born, she'd been here for about 15 minutes and was trying to tell me that no, he didn't need feeding. DH told her, politely but firmly, that she didn't get to have an opinion on this stuff unless she was asked by me and certainly not when she'd only just arrived. That was hugely important to me. And as an MIL, I will expect DS to help me to manage things by giving me a heads up if I do something that I think is okay but that for whatever reason, his partner doesn't like. eg, I love cooking, am a good cook etc. My default assumption is that I will probably cook for both of my DC when they have children of their own. But if my DIL is the type who hates this, I'd expect DS to have a quiet word with me so that I don't accidentally overstep.

It's MN. It's always been a site of extremes and cognitive bias means whoever is reading will primarily see what they already expect to see.

I’m so sorry to hear this. My DH’s mother passed away also, it was his Nana that was my MIL and I loved her to bits.

We hear plenty from Dils too. Son in laws are expected to put up and shut up.

You not bu to feel sorry for decent Mil, mines a horrible person and even my dcs don’t enjoy spending time with her now they are older.

I agree