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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

203 replies

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 16:10

I was reading another thread where the OP yet again is not being treated with consideration by her husband after having a baby.

AIBU to think that there is very little more you can do for another human being than to carry and birth their child, continue their DNA and make them a parent?

I do not even think giving them a kidney is as big or as life changing as pregnancy and child birth is upon the woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:47

Wow. The internalised misogyny is STRONG.

OP posts:
overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:49

I kind of get what you're saying. So my husband told me after the birth of both our children that he felt so much respect after what I'd been through during pregnancy and childbirth (both text book, no issues) but ultimately, it wasn't a selfless act. I did it because I was totally onboard with having children, I'd have done it all with or without him 🤷‍♀️ certainly didn't do it FOR him.
Now if he needed a kidney, I'd give him my kidney and I'd feel a hero and want him to thank me with a diamond or something 🤣🤣

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:50

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:39

What burden?

The burden of caring for another human being for at least the next 18 years. The burden of breastfeeding an infant. The burden of feeding and taking care of a mad little toddler. You may have really wanted a child, it's still hard abs takes sacrifice.

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Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:51

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:49

I kind of get what you're saying. So my husband told me after the birth of both our children that he felt so much respect after what I'd been through during pregnancy and childbirth (both text book, no issues) but ultimately, it wasn't a selfless act. I did it because I was totally onboard with having children, I'd have done it all with or without him 🤷‍♀️ certainly didn't do it FOR him.
Now if he needed a kidney, I'd give him my kidney and I'd feel a hero and want him to thank me with a diamond or something 🤣🤣

😂 you still deserve a diamond!

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DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:51

TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:50

The burden of caring for another human being for at least the next 18 years. The burden of breastfeeding an infant. The burden of feeding and taking care of a mad little toddler. You may have really wanted a child, it's still hard abs takes sacrifice.

Show quote history

Sorry to disappoint you, but it was a shared burden between the two of us.

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:52

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:50

If giving birth is nothing, if carrying a child is nothing, then why do we bother about rights to contraception, the morning after pill and abortion? I mean what's the woman complaining about? Just push that baby out and do what nature intended. Right?

Because the woman always has a choice. If she makes the choice to keep that child, it is HER choice (or should be) and should never be for the man in question

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:57

I agree I still deserved the diamond (got one 🤣🤣) but I made sure I married a diamond 🤷‍♀️. But like I said, as women we do have the monopoly on whether we choose to bring babies into this world. Choose the right man and you'll be worshipped for it, choose the wrong one and at least you'll still be blessed with children. We have a choice.
I'm still not convinced we can compare it to organ donation

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:59

Unless we're talking renting our wombs, which is a whole new conversation

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:06

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 00:57

I agree I still deserved the diamond (got one 🤣🤣) but I made sure I married a diamond 🤷‍♀️. But like I said, as women we do have the monopoly on whether we choose to bring babies into this world. Choose the right man and you'll be worshipped for it, choose the wrong one and at least you'll still be blessed with children. We have a choice.
I'm still not convinced we can compare it to organ donation

But so many women get pregnant thinking that their bloke is a good one, or mean no one goes and gets pregnant, unless they are being coerced, and doesn't think the man will come through.

But then that man treats her pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding like it's absolutely nothing.

A lot of you are commenting, saying how great your husband and partner is. How much he appreciates you.

What about the women that aren't appreciated?

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Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:08

If a woman "chooses" the wrong man, is she an idiot? Does she deserve the consequences?

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Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:10

And she is still carrying that mans child.

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CheekyHobson · 13/07/2023 01:13

Firstly… EW to the person who dismissed the entire process of carrying a baby and giving birth (and quite likely breastfeeding afterwards) as “spreading your legs for your partner”. Check your internalized misogyny!

I agree that fundamentally most women carry children because they want to for themselves. Frankly, they don’t have a choice in the matter. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of a high level of appreciation and respect.

Two people get the same, hopefully equally desired outcome of a child, but only one person takes on the work of limiting their diet, undergoing medical tests and examinations, enduring aches and pains, risking long-term injury or death, and putting in work to repair the effects of pregnancy and birth on the body.

If someone cannot recognise and appreciate the value in that and see it as a pretty amazing gift to them, honestly, I think their fitness for partnership and parenthood is questionable from the outset.

Threenow · 13/07/2023 01:16

BMW6 · 12/07/2023 16:16

Sorry, I don't rate just reproduction very high in the range of things people can do for others!

It's such a commonplace thing to do and we are generally designed to do it well and repeatedly.

Neither do I. Most women have a baby because they want to, and they often do it when their partner doesn't actually want a baby.

There are a lot of truly selfless things people can do for another person.

Raincloudpink · 13/07/2023 01:17

FloweryName · 12/07/2023 16:14

She didn’t do it for another human though, she had a baby for herself because she wanted one.

No one is forced to carry a child they don’t want to carry.

Having a healthy pregnancy is a privilege that women are lucky to have. It’s is not a favour they do for other people in return for gratification.

All true but if someone did it for me I'd still be extremely grateful!

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:32

CheekyHobson · 13/07/2023 01:13

Firstly… EW to the person who dismissed the entire process of carrying a baby and giving birth (and quite likely breastfeeding afterwards) as “spreading your legs for your partner”. Check your internalized misogyny!

I agree that fundamentally most women carry children because they want to for themselves. Frankly, they don’t have a choice in the matter. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worthy of a high level of appreciation and respect.

Two people get the same, hopefully equally desired outcome of a child, but only one person takes on the work of limiting their diet, undergoing medical tests and examinations, enduring aches and pains, risking long-term injury or death, and putting in work to repair the effects of pregnancy and birth on the body.

If someone cannot recognise and appreciate the value in that and see it as a pretty amazing gift to them, honestly, I think their fitness for partnership and parenthood is questionable from the outset.

You blew it away.

Exactly everything you said.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:34

Also, who are all these women having babies when their partner doesn't want one? I don't recognise that in my life at all.

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Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:36

Maybe the problem is with these women.

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overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 02:01

TRexTara · 13/07/2023 01:08

If a woman "chooses" the wrong man, is she an idiot? Does she deserve the consequences?

Absolutely not! She is not the one to be blamed for a the other parent being shit. But ultimately she chose the partner, willingly got pregnant and went through with that pregnancy. She made the ultimate choice to put herself second to that child's needs. I'm assuming throughout that thought process, she decided she wanted that child. So she wasn't choosing to give up her uterus for someone else, she made the sacrifices for her child and herself

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 02:04

What I am trying to say is any sacrifice I made during pregnancy and childbirth wasn't for my husband, I'd have done it all regardless of him. He was amazing through, but I'd have done it anyway and not expected a medal, my babies were the medal

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 02:09

Do you hear yourself? "
Absolutely not! She is not the one to be blamed for a the other parent being shit. But ultimately she chose the partner, willingly got pregnant and went through with that pregnancy. She made the ultimate choice to put herself second to that child's needs. I'm assuming throughout that thought "

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Bluesheeps · 13/07/2023 02:09

What an odd thread! You allude to misogyny yet talk as if it’s a burden we do as a favour.
I certainly didn’t get pregnant with the hope my partner would be indebted to me forever

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 02:11

I'm glad you are happy.

Please try to use your imagination for women who don't feel like you.

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overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 02:11

Yeah I hear myself. She chose to have a child. But she is not to be blamed for the fuck up that is her partner 🤷‍♀️ that's on him

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 02:12

Bluesheeps · 13/07/2023 02:09

What an odd thread! You allude to misogyny yet talk as if it’s a burden we do as a favour.
I certainly didn’t get pregnant with the hope my partner would be indebted to me forever

So you don't expect him to realise how hard pregnancy and child birth is? I feel sad for you.

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Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 02:15

overfeckinstimulated · 13/07/2023 02:11

Yeah I hear myself. She chose to have a child. But she is not to be blamed for the fuck up that is her partner 🤷‍♀️ that's on him

Of course it's on him. It's also on him to realise how much the woman has sacrificed for him carrying his child.

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