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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

203 replies

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 16:10

I was reading another thread where the OP yet again is not being treated with consideration by her husband after having a baby.

AIBU to think that there is very little more you can do for another human being than to carry and birth their child, continue their DNA and make them a parent?

I do not even think giving them a kidney is as big or as life changing as pregnancy and child birth is upon the woman.

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 12/07/2023 21:30

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:18

Thanks @toomanyleggings

Not going to go into my own experiences on AIBU because it could get quite upsetting for me. (Teenage pregnancy, abusive relationship, strict religious community blah blah).

But, my sons wife is pregnant right now. My first grandchild. Even if the two of them were to split up in future, (God forbid) I just think that what she is doing for him and in some ways for me too, is an incredible gift. Pregnancy and child birth is hard, it's risky. I think she deserves respect and gratitude from myself and my son. I would absolutely lose my shit if my son didn't appreciate her and what she is going through.

But your DIL isn't carrying a baby FOR your son. They have both presumably decided they want to have a child, or, she/they've decided they don't want to abort?

It is impossible for your son to get pregnant and give birth, so there is no way to equalise this "transaction".

If my husband could give birth, you can bet your life we'd be taking it in turns!

Some mothers are useless, reckless, neglectful abusers. What do we say of them?

OutsideLookingOut · 12/07/2023 21:30

When you have a child for a man you help him pass on his genes (yours too of course but at no risk to him and all risk to you). This is a great gift that do many women don’t even think about since they want a baby at all costs. Honestly OP what stops pregnancy and birth being as respected as it should be is that so many will do it for nothing. So it has become cheap. Which considering the physical, emotional and time costs is ridiculous to me. The only thing that would help is more women not wanting to bring children into the world especially in less than ideal circumstances. Look at the initiatives they are trying now in South Korea like fancy hospitals with recovery after giving birth and treatments. Under capitalism a resource must be rare for worth and respect.

justaweenamechange · 12/07/2023 21:31

I get you OP. I obviously also wanted my children, but pregnancy and childbirth is a big deal - and only one of you can do it!

I'm a super laid back pregnant person, I have easy pregnancies by most people's standards, and it is of course a normal and common place physiological event.

But that doesn't mean I can't have my partners full respect and appreciation.

Two nights ago before he went to sleep he said, 'thank you for carrying our children' (I'm pregnant atm) and it's not the first time he's said it.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:32

"
But your DIL isn't carrying a baby FOR your son. They have both presumably decided they want to have a child, or, she/they've decided they don't want to abort? "

Well she is doing a hell of a lot more than he is to carry this child.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2023 21:33

Some mothers are useless, reckless, neglectful abusers. What do we say of them?

Well presumably that they’re amazing as they still brought life into the world as a favour to the man whose sperm helped create the pregnancy. Or something.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:38

Thank you @justaweenamechange and @OutsideLookingOut

When I hear lovely stories about men being truly grateful and appreciative it cheers me up.

Sometimes I don't think young women are valuing themselves enough and I agree that that is a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2023 21:33

Some mothers are useless, reckless, neglectful abusers. What do we say of them?

Well presumably that they’re amazing as they still brought life into the world as a favour to the man whose sperm helped create the pregnancy. Or something.

They still carried a child, changed their bodies forever, risked their health, went through childbirth and will always abs forever now be tied in some way to that child. Even if they can't be good mothers.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 21:41

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 16:18

Lots of women are forced to carry babies they didn't want. But that's not my point.

My point is literally what I said, is there anything more you can do for a man than carry and give birth to his child, then raise that child? I don't think there is and I think it's an action that deserves more respect.

Well , if they don't want that child they would probably appreciate it more if you didn't get pregnant in the first place.

saraclara · 12/07/2023 21:44

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:07

This! This! It's exactly what I'm pointing out. You carried his child for him, it's HUGE and he is an ungrateful bastard.

Show quote history

No she didn't carry out FOR him. You're talking as if he could have been pregnant but didn't want to be so she did it for him out of the goodness of her heart.

MEN CANNOT GET PREGNANT. THEY ARE NOT OPTING OUT OF SOMETHING AND LEAVING IT TO WOMEN.

The fast vast majority of women get pregnant because THEY want to.

This thread is bordering on nuts.

BillyNoM8s · 12/07/2023 21:46

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:39

They still carried a child, changed their bodies forever, risked their health, went through childbirth and will always abs forever now be tied in some way to that child. Even if they can't be good mothers.

Show quote history

Do you understand how damaging that is for a child? To, for example, have a disinterested, selfish mother who prioritizes their addiction ahead of the child they're "forever tied to"? It's not a gift to the child, I can assure you.

What an odd train of thought you have.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:47

Do you know what? I'm just here waiting for someone to say that Chinese women gave birth in the rice fields then carried on working. The old bullshit trope.

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 12/07/2023 21:49

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:32

"
But your DIL isn't carrying a baby FOR your son. They have both presumably decided they want to have a child, or, she/they've decided they don't want to abort? "

Well she is doing a hell of a lot more than he is to carry this child.

Yes, but your son can't actually DO anything about that can he? Because he's a man Confused

He can't have a baby so he can't DO anything other than contribute to raising the child and hopefully not be a twat.

Your daughter in law may go on to be a huge disappointment and cheat on your son or walk out on her kids.

Can only assume this thread is a wind up. Bizarre.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 21:49

They still carried a child, changed their bodies forever, risked their health, went through childbirth and will always abs forever now be tied in some way to that child. Even if they can't be good mothers.

Now you're just taking the piss.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:50

If giving birth is nothing, if carrying a child is nothing, then why do we bother about rights to contraception, the morning after pill and abortion? I mean what's the woman complaining about? Just push that baby out and do what nature intended. Right?

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/07/2023 21:50

I don't know why I'm even engaging. This is batshittery.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:51

@BillyNoM8s well aren't you lovely. Cheers for that. If my DIL turned into a complete nightmare, it still wouldn't diminish what she is doing right now.

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 12/07/2023 21:52

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:51

@BillyNoM8s well aren't you lovely. Cheers for that. If my DIL turned into a complete nightmare, it still wouldn't diminish what she is doing right now.

Welcome Smile

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:52

👍

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/07/2023 21:55

Op are you looking for a medal, round of applause with a standing ovation, star in Hollywood?

Sure topics come up and people discuss them, but you seem to want something

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 12/07/2023 22:07

Be interesting to poll all men and see if they would prefer if women could just create a child themselves with no genetic input from men. Or if they prefer it the way it is, and they get to have children too. My guess would be the latter. I also think the majority would choose us having to be pregnant, over themselves having that option. Would be interesting.

Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 22:12

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 12/07/2023 22:07

Be interesting to poll all men and see if they would prefer if women could just create a child themselves with no genetic input from men. Or if they prefer it the way it is, and they get to have children too. My guess would be the latter. I also think the majority would choose us having to be pregnant, over themselves having that option. Would be interesting.

True. Also I have a theory that if men were suddenly responsible for carrying children, birthing them, then nursing them there would be many more dead infants.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 22:13

WandaWonder · 12/07/2023 21:55

Op are you looking for a medal, round of applause with a standing ovation, star in Hollywood?

Sure topics come up and people discuss them, but you seem to want something

What do you mean exactly? I started a thread, I've been interacting with it. As you do.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 12/07/2023 22:18

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 21:02

That's how you see pregnancy and childbirth? That's interesting.

Show quote history

Is there something in the process I am missing?

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 22:18

Also I have a theory that if men were suddenly responsible for carrying children, birthing them, then nursing them there would be many more dead infants.

Wrong, contraception options would be numerous, 100% effective and no limits on abortions though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2023 22:19

Who said giving birth is nothing?! It’s not something men can do. They don’t get to have a turn. They aren’t welching. Stop pretending biology requires men to worship women. It’s the definition of the golden uterus syndrome. Children don’t owe their mothers for having them. Men don’t owe the mothers of their children for pregnancy, birth or breast feeding.

It’s getting bizarre and obsessive.