Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

[TRexTara]

I was reading another thread where the OP yet again is not being treated with consideration by her husband after having a baby.

AIBU to think that there is very little more you can do for another human being than to carry and birth their child, continue their DNA and make them a parent?

I do not even think giving them a kidney is as big or as life changing as pregnancy and child birth is upon the woman.

There was an article
It discussed the difference between animals & humans
A woman (sorry cannot remember her name) said the fundamental difference was that humans care for their sick

Here is a similar article
https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2020/06/17/878896381/ancient-bones-offer-clues-to-how-long-ago-humans-cared-for-the-vulnerable

@Abigboxoftime1000 ooh, that looks interesting.

Btw, about surrogacy, I'm against it. Sometimes when I see reports about how dismissive the 'parents' treat the surrogate mother it makes me feel a bit stabby. I respect Khloe K for speaking out about how dehumanising she felt it must have been for the surrogate.

I had my children because I really wanted them. So I had them principally for myself. My husband agreed but would have been quite happy not having any too. I didn't do it "for him'. If he'd said no I would have found someone else to marry. I also feel really glad I was the one to be pregnant and give birth. It was such a special experience (to me, I didn't expect it to be special for anyone else). Meanwhile my husband was glad he was the one who didn't have to give birth!

Your viewpoint assumes it’s something a woman is doing “for” their partner rather than because they want to equally or more.
It’s not an inherently selfless thing to do. I don’t think it’s necessarily the biggest thing you can do for someone if you aren’t actually doing it for them.

Yes I think a man should be kind and respectful to the woman who has just given birth to his child. Unfortunately, there's a lot of dickheads out there.

It's not the same level as selflessly donating a life saving organ.

But having a child for someone who physically can't for whatever reason (health, same sex couples) is a lovely thing to do.

But again. Please understand a woman's role isn't just to bear children for a man.

I’ve just nursed my mother at home in the last weeks of her life. Thus making sure she had a peaceful end and all the family were able to visit her before she died. What more can anyone do for a person than that?

in regards to surrogacy- I think the mere fact of asking someone have a child for you is pretty bad. Asking someone to go through pregnancy and birth for money and/or to be “kind” seems cheeky.

^This. Truly truly heartbreaking and difficult for you too I imagine.

Yep. I did far more important and difficult things for my late husband than give birth to the babies that we both chose to have and love.
Navigating and helping him and our children through his breakdown and then later, his terminal cancer diagnosis, where we nursed him at home to the end, makes my particular role in giving birth really insignficant (in my opinion anyway).

I'm starting to get pretty angry now. Giving birth is a positive thing. A choice (one hopes) that is joyous. Not heroic, not unselfish, not a favour to someone. Some women need to get over themselves.

I kind of get it. If both people in a (hetero) couple want a baby, the woman has to go through a fuckload more to bring that child into the world than the man does. You can surely respect and acknowledge that without necessary casting shade on dads/women without children/the purpose of womenkind

This also probably explains my intense dislike of men who say "we are pregnant" No, you are not (you massive egotistical dickhead)

I get it OP. It's a big thing to undergo for your family. So it's not really that she's doing it for him she's doing it for their family because he can't. And deserves respect and care after birth because that is an especially vulnerable time. My husband said after witnessing the birth of our second 'What you have done for our family!' (as in a lot, twice over). And he was right.

My auntie saved my uncles life by giving him a kidney. Her recovery was 10 times worse than this and she has to had to change the way she lives, for the rest of her life. I'd say that's pretty huge.

And deserves respect and care after birth because that is an especially vulnerable time

I would hope a man would treat his partner with respect and care anyway. I mean that’s not dependent on whether or not she’s given birth right?

Is this about feeling taken for granted OP?

But OP it's not just the man who gets to pass on his DNA - the woman gets exactly the same "reward"!

You make it sound like women do this for men - like its some great gift from her, but 99/100 she does it because SHE wants a baby!

Motherhood isn’t taken as seriously as it could be, but if that’s what you meant I think it’s an odd way of phrasing it. Nowadays it is viewed as some sort of production line rather than the gift of life. No doubt modern population levels are the cause. Some women are as guilty as men, even if more men are guilty of it than women in general.

I don't agree with you at all. Having a baby is not a selfless act.

Examples I would rate a lot higher:

Kidney/Bone Marrow transplant
Being an organ donor
Putting your life in danger to save another - search & rescue, cpr, saving someone from a burning building
People who sacrifice their entire life for someone else's benefit, carers, people who adopt or care for sublingual child if thryvare too ill/pass away

Selfless acts really.

I would have respected her more if she had contented herself with the one beautiful child she had rather than pay someone to have a child for her.

@nutbrownhare15 thank you! I think some people are really struggling with what I've said because they don't agree with how I've phrased it and some just genuinely don't agree. It seems to be assumed that I'm coming at this from a Trad wife viewpoint, I'm not, I mean exactly what I said. No more.

@Ginger1982 fair enough. I mean you would imagine after having a child herself she would know what a big deal it is.

No. I'm struggling with what you've said because it's quite outrageous considering the truly selfless acts that some incredible people carry out for the sake of others, every day.

Yes. All the man does is have sex and if after the baby comes he decides he isn't enjoying father hood and moves out he is never judged as much as a woman would be.

Men who say 'we are pregnant' need a hard slap.

@saraclara pregnancy and looking after a newborn needs a certain amount of selflessness too. I'm sorry you can't see that.

I've grown, given birth to and brought up two children. I know what it takes.

Your OP question was this:

Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

Yes, you absolutely can. For starters the child is every bit as much for you as for your partner. So it's not selfless too be pregnant.
And beyond that, of course there are thing that you can do for another human that are more selfless. Tragically, I've had to do some of them.

I think everyone should treat their partner with respect (and my DH is a wonderful husband and father), but I didn’t carry two children for him. I did it because I wanted to be a parent.

Donating an organ is definitely a bigger thing to do for someone else.