Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

[TRexTara]

I was reading another thread where the OP yet again is not being treated with consideration by her husband after having a baby.

AIBU to think that there is very little more you can do for another human being than to carry and birth their child, continue their DNA and make them a parent?

I do not even think giving them a kidney is as big or as life changing as pregnancy and child birth is upon the woman.

I understand what you mean, op, I think? That you'd think that when a woman has done an amazing thing ( taken some sperm and turned them into a baby in her body) the least the father could do would be to show her some respect? After all, the father's genetic material is easy to come (lol) by, the task of creating a baby is considerably more time consuming and potentially risky to health. But many people will pretend this isn't the case, for some reason 🤔

Genuinely thought this was about surrogacy

Women having babies isn't the same as donating an organ. Women have children because they want to.

Donating organs is completely different and incomparable. Donating organs is a selfless act, having a child you want isn't.

Are you a fundamental christian by any change?
I’ve seen some crazy mothers, but this is way beyond anything I’ve seen before!

Yes! Thank you! People pretending it's nothing and no big deal. But it's a huge deal. We are all wired with a sexual urge to pass on our genes and by carrying his child, you just allowed a man to do that.

So one person understands me and sort of agrees theoretically, and you get my point. That's two people. Everyone else think I'm weird and chatting nonsense! 😂

Respect yes (and it should be two ways). Pampered and pandered to no.

I don’t expect my husband to be especially grateful because I did what comes naturally to me as a woman and had babies. After all, we both benefited.

Now giving him a kidney or bone marrow, I’d have to think long and hard about!

My MIL cared for my increasingly ill and eventually bedridden and almost entirely incapable FIL over many years until he died. I think that's in rather a different league to having a baby (that you presumably wanted as well).

This is also about surrogacy.

I am just saying it deserves respect, not to be fannied around after and treated like a princess.

I think if you’re in a happy relationship then this is how having a baby is, it’s a lovely evolvement of your relationship.
But some people have babies just out of sheer irresponsible-ness (if that’s even a word) or think a baby will bring them closer together when a partners already a bit shitty and this inevitably leads to mum (most of the time) being neglected. But this won’t be anything new to her, just she has a baby to cope with too.

@redskytwonight my step mother is full time carer to my dad who has dementia, I get your point. She has sacrificed her life for him.

Donating a vital organ to save a life does trump carrying a child. Yes.

You’re not just doing it for him though.

By your logic, any woman who cannot or will not give their partner a baby has failed him in the biggest possible way.

I think there are thousands of things you can do for a person that are more valuable than carrying their child, especially if they're not particularly bothered about having children.

In the UK we can make the decision as to whether we carry a child we don't want. A baby isn't always a massive positive influence on somebody's life.

If I knew how unappreciative and unaware of the sacrifices I'd make in order to have his child my DH was going to be. I probably wouldn't have married him.

And I don't just say that because of difficult pregnancy with 8 months of sickness and long labour with bad damage. It's continues day to day with him being complete unaware of everything I do and sacrifice for our family.

He's a lovely guy. And I've told him all of this. But he's just so in his own bubble of 'fun dad' getting to be involved in all the good bits without the stress.

I think all women (and men) deserve to be treated with respect by their partners regardless of whether they have been pregnant or not

I certainly dont think there should be a heirarchy of how much respect a woman should be given based on her ability to get pregnant

Yes, you can do lots more....something you're not up for example.
When I read your post I thought it was about surrogacy, not about a woman going through pregnancy to bring a child into the world that presumably she wanted.

It's just biology and reproduction. Most women have babies for themselves and their own primal urges/biological clocks.
The biggest thing you can do for another human being is care for them, for no other reason than they need that care. I've nursed three people through diagnosis to end of life, from that first meeting with a doctor to chemo to bedsores to bedpans to holding their hand as they take that last breath. To me, that's the biggest, best, gift you can do for someone else.

This a thousand times over. Treat your partner with love and respect and be kind and supportive when they experience any major event, such as childbirth, illness, accident, bereavement etc. That is the basis of a good and functional relationship. Treating a woman as a 'princess' because she had borne a man's seed sounds grotty and misogynistic to me. Treat me like an equal partner, thanks.

I've had two children, and I've cared for both my parents through significant illnesses in their old age.

With my pregnancies, DH and I wanted them, made them happen and supported each other (and celebrated) throughout. Pregnancy - despite the chronic hyperemisis and emergency/crash sections- was largely a positive experience. I absolutely appreciate that this is not everybody's experience of pregnancy, but it never felt like a sacrifice.

With caring for my parents, nobody chose the situation and lifestyle it brings. Whilst we have/had some heartwarming moments, neither of my parents enjoy(ed) their end of life illnesses, they had no great "prize" to look forward to. A very different experience of the excitement and anticipation of pregnancy, even if with horrible physical symptoms.

But if you follow that logic, that man gives the child to the woman just as much as she gives it to him. Nothing is going to happen without his sperm! And yes, pregnancy and childbirth is arduous but each person puts in their offering so it's 50/50. As a separate issue, yes, people should treat each other well.

I kind of get the sentiment of what you are saying op, if not the exact wording you used. (Though I don’t agree with the surrogacy aspect).

you would think that the other parent of the child would recognise what a draining, life altering, risky task child bearing and birth can be and be supportive and kind to the mother of their child.

Sadly not everyone is a great person and like a pp said…if someone what a bit of a shit person before that won’t change just because their partner is pregnant.

This seems like a bit of an old fashioned view to me - women existing to give men children.

Surely women have children because they want them? And any sacrifices are for the benefit of the child not the other parent.

This seems like a bit of an old fashioned view to me - women existing to give men children.

This. It's up there with women existing just to serve and obey men. Weird to assume women only have children to please men.

That. It's not like the father has the option to carry the baby for his partner and is selfishly opting out.

This whole 'new mothers as heroines' thing really bugs me. Women have been having babies since human life began. The majority of women will do so. f course, for every woman giving birth to HER child, it's a big thing. But it's absolutely normal. Every mammal, every human you see around you was produced that way.

But the sheer hysteria of some recent posts about women being incredibly unselfish heroes in some way, and potentially laying down their life to birth a baby for their DH is just ridiculous