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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you do more for a human than carry their child?

203 replies

TRexTara · 12/07/2023 16:10

I was reading another thread where the OP yet again is not being treated with consideration by her husband after having a baby.

AIBU to think that there is very little more you can do for another human being than to carry and birth their child, continue their DNA and make them a parent?

I do not even think giving them a kidney is as big or as life changing as pregnancy and child birth is upon the woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 22:20

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 22:18

Also I have a theory that if men were suddenly responsible for carrying children, birthing them, then nursing them there would be many more dead infants.

Wrong, contraception options would be numerous, 100% effective and no limits on abortions though.

Oh that's 💯 true. But imagine the average man, Dave, let's call him, having to do the 2 & 1/2 hour growth spurt feeds and deal with colic with no help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 12/07/2023 22:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2023 22:19

Who said giving birth is nothing?! It’s not something men can do. They don’t get to have a turn. They aren’t welching. Stop pretending biology requires men to worship women. It’s the definition of the golden uterus syndrome. Children don’t owe their mothers for having them. Men don’t owe the mothers of their children for pregnancy, birth or breast feeding.

It’s getting bizarre and obsessive.

Not it's a debate. People can agree or disagree. They can see some point in what I'm saying or not.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 22:40

@TRexTara that would just follow the same pattern as now. It might surprise you to find out but mothers are predominantly responsible for most infanticide cases across the globe. So it's not exactly a revelation, but it is possible that cases would increase.

Puppyseahorse · 12/07/2023 22:45

I agree Op. just because women’s bodies are ‘designed’ for pregnancy doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard.

It’s a shared venture in which one person does 99% of the work. So yes, of course it deserves major respect.

if I were in a same sex relationship and my partner carried the child, I would consider it an enormous gift.

crazeekat · 13/07/2023 00:07

FloweryName · 12/07/2023 16:14

She didn’t do it for another human though, she had a baby for herself because she wanted one.

No one is forced to carry a child they don’t want to carry.

Having a healthy pregnancy is a privilege that women are lucky to have. It’s is not a favour they do for other people in return for gratification.

actually there are unfortunately many many women in the world who have to carry and give birth to babies against their wishes.

MissTrip82 · 13/07/2023 00:11

Yuck this way of thinking really gives me the creeps.

My body wasn’t of service to or used to grant favours to my husband.

I do plenty of things just for him but this wasn’t one of them.

MissTrip82 · 13/07/2023 00:13

Meant to add - I didn’t have to earn his respect with pregnancy either. Men should respect their partner and treat them well regardless of reproductive status. We are
of value as humans.

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:16

Thank you @Puppyseahorse . You totally get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:18

@crazeekat exactly. As a teenage mum even in the UK I was one of them. Now that in the USA their rights to abortion have gone to shit, there will be many more.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:21

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 12/07/2023 22:40

@TRexTara that would just follow the same pattern as now. It might surprise you to find out but mothers are predominantly responsible for most infanticide cases across the globe. So it's not exactly a revelation, but it is possible that cases would increase.

It's understandable though isn't it? Especially if those women didn't want to be pregnant in the first place. Looking after a baby means you have to put your own natural need to survive and thrive to one side. You have to suppress your own instincts and put the child first. What's amazing is that so many women do this so selflessly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:22

MissTrip82 · 13/07/2023 00:11

Yuck this way of thinking really gives me the creeps.

My body wasn’t of service to or used to grant favours to my husband.

I do plenty of things just for him but this wasn’t one of them.

Yuck to you too. You can't think beyond your own circumstances.

OP posts:
DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:26

A woman usually wants a baby because she's feeling broody, not because it's a favour to their partner.
I had my kids because I wanted to start a family of my own. After a discussion with the husband we went ahead.
Husband confessed years later that when I became pregnant, he panicked, but to be fair to him, he never showed it and he was, still is a fantastic father and husband, even if I do feel like bashing him with a saucepan sometimes.
If the decision to start a family had been left to him, it would have happened ten years further down the line.
My body is mine and he respects that and me as a person, a wife and a mother, not because of what my body produced.

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:26

Even cats that get pregnant too early suffer from post natal depression and can't bond properly with their kittens.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:28

I'm not talking about a favour to the partner. Even if you really desperately want a child yourself, you have still done an amazing thing for him. He now has children.

OP posts:
DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:29

You have to suppress your own instincts and put the child first. What's amazing is that so many women do this so selflessly.

Many men also put their children first above themselves selflessly op. Mine did.

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:30

TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:28

I'm not talking about a favour to the partner. Even if you really desperately want a child yourself, you have still done an amazing thing for him. He now has children.

No, I did it for myself. He just went along with my wishes.

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:30

Some of you are talking like your partner has done an amazing favour to you because he fucked you, provided you with spermicide and allowed the pregnancy to continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:31

Sperm rather

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:32

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:29

You have to suppress your own instincts and put the child first. What's amazing is that so many women do this so selflessly.

Many men also put their children first above themselves selflessly op. Mine did.

So if he is such an amazing father, why do you see it as you going ahead with the plan to get pregnant when he really didn't seem to care? Like you owe him something?

OP posts:
DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:34

Bit confused as to why you think he didn't care, but hey ho.

Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:36

Well you appear to be so incredibly grateful that he allowed you to use his sperm to get pregnant, and absolutely delighted that he shows any interest in your children at all and it turns out he actually quite likes them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TRexTara · 13/07/2023 00:37

You did all the work and you carry the burden.

OP posts:
DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:38

Do I? Oh.
Why wouldn't he like his own children? Is that not the done thing?
How very strange.

Dazedandconfused10 · 13/07/2023 00:39

If a man already has 4 kids and needs a kidney, he'd probably prefer the kidney to another child. That would be a greater gift.

What a ridiculous idea. We aren't here to serve men and give them gifts.

DogbertMcDogglesworth · 13/07/2023 00:39

What burden?

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