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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 15:49

You are really over involved in your DS's love life.
You're being ridiculous, it's really non of your business. You have no idea what went on in his relationship and your DH would certainly be out of order to "go ballistic" at his new GF.
Back off and get a hobby or something.

LatteLady · 12/07/2023 15:51

Not your circus, not your monkeys. You are not living his life and nor should you. Close the box and put it away.

skypink · 12/07/2023 15:51

I'd be very disappointed in my DS too.

youlied · 12/07/2023 15:51

At least you are angry with your Son. My ex cheated on me, it nearly destroyed me and landed me homeless, i wrote to his mum outlining her Son's appalling behaviour and she sided with him and became very aggressive towards me. It added more pain to the split.
All credit to you for holding him to account.

SweetAsIcedChocolate · 12/07/2023 15:53

You are reeling because it’s new news to you.
Its not ideal BUT she is happy and has now moved on.
It’s their life, I understand that in a perfect world they would have separated first but…what’s done is done.

Jongleterre · 12/07/2023 15:55

It's upsetting what you heard but it's till only her version of events and she should not have told you as she knew it would get you worked up and stir the pot.

They are all adults. You may not like what they do but you're getting all sniffy about stuff that has absolutely fuck all to do with you.

PonyPatter44 · 12/07/2023 15:56

It's fine to be disgusted with his behaviour (it is disgusting behaviour, after all). All this talk of "going ballistic " seems a bit OTT, though. You tell him you think he behaved badly, if you must, and then you leave him to it. Its his relationship, not yours, at the end of the day.

SuperSonicAyeAye · 12/07/2023 15:57

Unfortunately these things do happen. My brother cheated on his wife (with two young kids). My parents remained very neutral but took the long view that OW might end up mother of further grandchildren and did not want to alienate anyone (she does have kids by my brother).
It came out at one point that he was still shagging his ex wife while openly with the OW, again, parents remained neutral.
Perhaps inside they were seething but never said anything to anyone.
At the time their refusal to judge drive me mad but years on I can totally see, respect and admire their position.

Maddy70 · 12/07/2023 15:57

You are over involved. Back off

momtoboys · 12/07/2023 15:59

I would be disappointed in my sons behavior too, but it really is none of our business.

Classinglass · 12/07/2023 15:59

He’s 28 not a child you need to back off and let him live his life, make his own mistakes whatever. It wasn’t nice what he did but he was honest in the end. If you go in all guns blazing you could potentially ruin your relationship not to mention this new girlfriend may be your daughter in law one day and the mother of your grandchildren. And think back, how would you have felt if your own mother had been so involved in your relationship when you were 28?

SlipSlidinAway · 12/07/2023 16:00

Wow. You are being completely OTT. It's a very noble aim but few people have a clean break between relationships. There's usually some overlap. Cut him some slack.

caringcarer · 12/07/2023 16:00

skypink · 12/07/2023 15:51

I'd be very disappointed in my DS too.

Me too. I'd have hoped I'd brought him up to take responsibility and finish one relationship before embarking on another one.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:00

SweetAsIcedChocolate · 12/07/2023 15:53

You are reeling because it’s new news to you.
Its not ideal BUT she is happy and has now moved on.
It’s their life, I understand that in a perfect world they would have separated first but…what’s done is done.

I keep thinking about how upset he was at the time. The ex-partner called her parents to tell them what had happened and she ended up going to theirs for the weekend. He was in bits about it. When she did come back because she had work the next day, he was so upset (because he thought she was never coming back) she had to call me. Now all that seems like such strange behaviour. I thought I'd done a better job at parenting that he wouldn't treat anyone so badly.

OP posts:
N0ëlle · 12/07/2023 16:02

I'm sure it was painful at time but 3verybody has moved on so don't go around being outraged. Just say something bland like, not your finest hour perhaps but you ended it, not easy, and everybody's happier now.

N0ëlle · 12/07/2023 16:02

No need to SAY anything though.

dutysuite · 12/07/2023 16:03

Time to move on.

Gracewithoutend · 12/07/2023 16:06

You're more invested in their relationship now, a year after it's finished, than he was when he was actually in it!
Step back. Its done. They've both moved on.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 12/07/2023 16:07

This isn't your business or your husbands business. His ex is being manipulative telling you. She's obviously not as nice as you thought.

Try to forget you heard it.

ScholesPanda · 12/07/2023 16:08

You're way to over-involved in his love life.

And why would your DH think it was ok to 'go ballistic' at an adult woman over her personal life?

Re-reading your OP are you sure your anger isn't misdirected because you feel your son lost you the perfect daughter in law? What's your relationship like with the new gf?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 16:09

They broke up a year and a half ago!

There's no need for anyone to go ballistic. It's done now.

SummerInSun · 12/07/2023 16:09

SuperSonicAyeAye · 12/07/2023 15:57

Unfortunately these things do happen. My brother cheated on his wife (with two young kids). My parents remained very neutral but took the long view that OW might end up mother of further grandchildren and did not want to alienate anyone (she does have kids by my brother).
It came out at one point that he was still shagging his ex wife while openly with the OW, again, parents remained neutral.
Perhaps inside they were seething but never said anything to anyone.
At the time their refusal to judge drive me mad but years on I can totally see, respect and admire their position.

This is excellent advice.

These things do happen. Depending on your relationship with DS you might go as far as saying you are disappointed and hope that if the same thing were to happen again - ie he develops feelings for woman B while in a relationship with woman A - we would end the first relationship before getting involved with B. But you have to play the long game here, as the PP's parents did. New GF may be the love of your DH's life and the mother of your grandchildren. And for that matter ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend may be the love of her life. So although the method was awful, the result may be fine.

The fact he told ex-GF out of guilt suggest he does know how wrong he was and feels bad about it.

Chunt · 12/07/2023 16:09

YABU to be so invested in your very adult child's love life. I'd try to take a step back if I were you, and let them get on with their own lives.

You can't ever know what went on in someone else's relationship, and it is not your business to judge.

CamCola · 12/07/2023 16:09

Think you need to butt out of your sons love life. It’s nothing to do with you.

MrsPapadopolis · 12/07/2023 16:10

I think you need to MYOB OP.