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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
LivinDaylights · 12/07/2023 16:53

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:40

I’m really confused by all these comments saying OP is over involved. When you’ve been in a long term relationship with someone, their family becomes your own. Some don’t blend so well but for those that do it can be a painful separation from the partner and their family too.
I think OP is being totally reasonable in her anger, she’s seen a life blossoming between her son and his ex and he’s ruined it - but not admitted the truth to his mum about what’s happened.

Why do you need to be telling your mother what happened in your relationship? Utterly bizarre.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 16:54

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 16:48

You still sound hung up on her though!! I am still hurt by my MIL sending a happy birthday/Christmas text to DHs ex because there’s just no need IMO when the partner has moved on. She knows it’s wrong as well as she has her saved in her mobile phone under a different name. You would be better off putting energy into getting to know your sons new partner.

But if dh cheated on you, would you like her support?

LimePi · 12/07/2023 16:54

It’s ok to be disappointed in your DS as he didn’t behave well but he’s a grown up and it’s none of your business. Be careful in not showing your attitude to his current GF. Yes it is not best behaviour from both, but people are not perfect. Stay out of it and forget about it. He’s 27 too, way past him mommy telling him off for his love life.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/07/2023 16:54

Yes I would be disappointed too OP and it would change my attitude towards his new partner.

x2boys · 12/07/2023 16:54

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:52

They were together for a year, she moved into his share for a year, then they bought together. Hope that makes sense. Doesn't it often take nearly that long to complete!?

That's not really a very long relationship is it.?

GoodChat · 12/07/2023 16:56

I would be disappointed in my child, too.
You've said yourself though that he was going through a lot. People make bad decisions but he's still with his girlfriend 18 months on - which is longer than he was with the ex - so he's made the right decision.

It's not that surprising his girlfriend looks a bit like his ex. He clearly has a 'type'.

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:56

LivinDaylights · 12/07/2023 16:53

Why do you need to be telling your mother what happened in your relationship? Utterly bizarre.

Because that’s what normal, close family’s do, secrets like that don’t stay secret for long.
I’m guessing her sons tried to play off it was all amicable and nicey nicey when he’s really been a cheat - as a mum I’d hope that I’d brought my child up to be better then that.

5128gap · 12/07/2023 16:58

BuddhaAtSea · 12/07/2023 16:44

His actions have had an effect on two families, at his age he should know better.
And we don’t cease to be mothers just because our children are grown ups.
For all it’s worth, @Cath60 , I would give my child a bollocking.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, this whole ‘none of your business’ and maybe that’s why so many people are lonely, families are like strangers to one another.

Mmm. I think a lot more people would find themselves lonely if they all took such a rigid and judgemental approach to their children. You never stop being a mother, no, but there really should come a time when you stop seeing yourself as a disciplinarian. Its very disrespectful to think you should be telling adults off like naughty children.

YouJustDoYou · 12/07/2023 16:59

It's what a lot of males do, sadly.

Thosepeskyseagulls · 12/07/2023 17:00

So surprised at all these people telling her to mind her own business. I think since she raised her son, how he treats women is her business.

Parky04 · 12/07/2023 17:00

If my parents went ballistic at me for decisions I made in my relationships, I would cut all contact with them. Be careful OP!

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 17:00

YouJustDoYou · 12/07/2023 16:59

It's what a lot of males do, sadly.

That's alright then.

HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:00

Hmmm. You can’t go ballistic, OP, it’s not your relationship.

But, I’m going to go against the majority and say that in your place, I might calmly tell my DS that you saw his ex, she told you about the overlap, and that you’re disappointed that he’d treat someone like that. Then drop the subject.

Every family is different, mine would express their disappointment and risk a row!

JPo · 12/07/2023 17:00

I think its fair to be disappointed in his behaviour, we would all prefer it if our loved ones never did anything to wrong another person!
However, they are both adults and their lives to live. People make mistakes, and you don't know the full story nor how your DS feels about what he did.
If both of them have moved on and are now happy, to drag it all up is unnecessary and could cause more harm.

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 17:01

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 16:53

You havent done what you thought you did there.

Shes supported the girl. Not her son.

she's not supporting, she's intruding and getting involved in things that have nothing to do with her.

Her ridiculous reaction is not remotely helping the ex-girlfriend either.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 17:01

This is one of the strangest threads I've seen yet. Blindly defending the young man and criticising Op for being upset and disappointed.

I assume all you parents of daughters wont be upset and angry on your daughters behalf when they're cheated on then, as it's not your business and you should 'get a hobby'

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 17:02

Thosepeskyseagulls · 12/07/2023 17:00

So surprised at all these people telling her to mind her own business. I think since she raised her son, how he treats women is her business.

Would you be happy with your mum interfering in your relationships and going "ballistic" if she disagreed with your decisions?

HamBone · 12/07/2023 17:02

I’m 48 and my Dad still tells me off!!

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 17:02

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 17:01

she's not supporting, she's intruding and getting involved in things that have nothing to do with her.

Her ridiculous reaction is not remotely helping the ex-girlfriend either.

Shes not intruding at all. The girl gave the info and she has vented her upset and anger. All completely and utterly reasonable.

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2023 17:03

I'd be very disappointed and frankly angry at my son too OP if he had done that. He cheated on his gf and of course you can be involved, she became like part of your family! And good for you for standing by her.

I don't get the responses saying keep out of it. if I found out my son had cheated on his gf, especially so if she was such a lovely girl and involved with the family, I'd be telling him exactly what I thought of that behaviour and what a shitty thing to do to someone. As his mother I'd certainly want to know why the hell my son has grown up to be a cheat and he would be fully aware how disappointed I was in him.
thankfully she has moved on and seems happy, but being cheated on can have a massive effect on people and I think its one of the lowest things someone can do to a person they supposedly care about.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 17:03

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:56

Because that’s what normal, close family’s do, secrets like that don’t stay secret for long.
I’m guessing her sons tried to play off it was all amicable and nicey nicey when he’s really been a cheat - as a mum I’d hope that I’d brought my child up to be better then that.

Yes, basically. He seemed really really upset when they first broke up. As the ex partner was getting her head around it and figuring out what she was going to do next (she organised the estate agents, found a new permanent job so she could buy again), he was still a bit of a wreck. At one point, he'd suggested they didn't need to sell the house and they could just live together as friends, but obviously that isn't ideal if you actually want to be able to move on. It now feels like an off thing to suggest when he was a few months into a relationship with someone else.

OP posts:
wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 17:04

Thosepeskyseagulls · 12/07/2023 17:00

So surprised at all these people telling her to mind her own business. I think since she raised her son, how he treats women is her business.

her first job is to raise an independent adult, not babysitting a grown man.
She can tell him he behaved wrong, but going ballistic is ridiculous.

The couple split up, move on, they were not right for each other or they would still be together.

JudgeRudy · 12/07/2023 17:04

Lots of people have 'over lap'. Sometimes you need that reality check to see things for what they are. They were a young couple with no children. It wasn't great that he cheated but shit happens. He fussed up and apologised.
I don't understand why you're so invested. Please don't let his new girlfriend feel a poor 2nd best replacement or worse still, the cause of their break up. This woman could well be the mother of your grandchildren one day...and your sons wife...his soul mate, not his lovely friend. Let it go.

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 17:04

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 16:54

But if dh cheated on you, would you like her support?

When my ex DP cheated on me and we had a house together his MIL was not involved at all, I got support from my own family and friends.

Woopzies · 12/07/2023 17:05

Hmmm. You can’t go ballistic, OP, it’s not your relationship.
Imagine, if we all took a 'not my circus, not my monkeys' approach with our children, what a wonderful place the world would be...

OP YANBU to be livid. But you have to accept your son's disgraceful behaviour, because there is not a thing you can do about it. I would discuss it with him, calmly, if it were me though - although this is highly dependent on the type of relationship you have with your son.

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