Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:31

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:25

So she cant have a right or a place now, according to you.
Interesting you are policing her life to this extent.
She wont need to get over anything as she is not answerable to us.

By the way it is not a 'shocking allegation'. Its a behaviour she believes and is upset about and shes allowed.

You are allowed her opinion, she is allowed hers. I am not understanding the vitriol towards her at all and think it is disappointing people are determined to tear a woman down for ultimately caring about people around her.

So she cant have a right or a place now, according to you

No. she’s not a victim in any way and he made no betrayal to her. It is utterly and totally none of her business

Interesting you are policing her life to this extent.

🤣🤣 Hilarious. policing her life - this is a discussion forum, she posted and had not been seen for hours.

She wont need to get over anything as she is not answerable to us

Just like her son isn’t answerable to her

By the way it is not a 'shocking allegation'. Its a behaviour she believes and is upset about and shes allowed.

It is shocking. And she’s allowed to believe, it a few of us have suggested getting his side before going beserk at him

I am not understanding the vitriol towards her at all and think it is disappointing people are determined to tear a woman down for ultimately caring about people around her.

There’s no vitriol - there’s only advice to stay out because she has no place to butt in and ultimately there’s no point. Most of the vitriol is coming from you twisting other posters words to bizarrely make them sound sexist.

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 21:32

This thread is getting a bit derailed.

OP update us post your chat with your son.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:33

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:27

Yes, we understand by now you think her opinions are to be judged and policed by you.
Each to their own.

Do you make stuff up like this IRL? You can’t surely get by, hold down employment and relationships when you add so much random melodrama and embellishments t to other people’s situation

Vivi0 · 12/07/2023 21:33

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:14

I think it's incredible OP has taken this stance for what she knows is right even though the perpetrator is her son. She doesnr deserve what shes had back.

“The perpetrator”?

Just wanting to check that we’re talking about a young person in their mid twenties who cheated on their partner, right?

Perpetrator? That’s a bit much, no?

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:34

Vivi0 · 12/07/2023 21:33

“The perpetrator”?

Just wanting to check that we’re talking about a young person in their mid twenties who cheated on their partner, right?

Perpetrator? That’s a bit much, no?

Shhh don’t let perfect logic get in the way of the melodrama, they’ll accuse you of misogyny 😂

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:35

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:31

So she cant have a right or a place now, according to you

No. she’s not a victim in any way and he made no betrayal to her. It is utterly and totally none of her business

Interesting you are policing her life to this extent.

🤣🤣 Hilarious. policing her life - this is a discussion forum, she posted and had not been seen for hours.

She wont need to get over anything as she is not answerable to us

Just like her son isn’t answerable to her

By the way it is not a 'shocking allegation'. Its a behaviour she believes and is upset about and shes allowed.

It is shocking. And she’s allowed to believe, it a few of us have suggested getting his side before going beserk at him

I am not understanding the vitriol towards her at all and think it is disappointing people are determined to tear a woman down for ultimately caring about people around her.

There’s no vitriol - there’s only advice to stay out because she has no place to butt in and ultimately there’s no point. Most of the vitriol is coming from you twisting other posters words to bizarrely make them sound sexist.

You said she doesnt have the right. That is taking away her right.

I cant think why she hasnt returned.

I havent implied any one is sexist

Its just interesting that you and others have berated her and dissected mu posts in such detail in an attempt to claim she shouldnt have any opinion. She called out her sons crap behaviour and got this. Unfair.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:36

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:33

Do you make stuff up like this IRL? You can’t surely get by, hold down employment and relationships when you add so much random melodrama and embellishments t to other people’s situation

I do thanks. You're welcome to the personal attacks. :)

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:36

Vivi0 · 12/07/2023 21:33

“The perpetrator”?

Just wanting to check that we’re talking about a young person in their mid twenties who cheated on their partner, right?

Perpetrator? That’s a bit much, no?

Someone who commits a harmful or immoral act.

Yep. I'm good.
But feel free to suggest mu word choice is the issue in this whole debacle.

Aaaaandbreathe · 12/07/2023 21:38

Ah sorry....I have reread the OP and it says 'he doesn't know I know' and not 'he knows I know'.

My apologies.

Mummyof287 · 12/07/2023 21:38

Can't beleive some of these responses basically condoning his behaviour! I'm guessing those posters have never been cheated on.
Of the GF is correct, then his behaviour was horrible and good on you to be disgusted with him for it! Many mothers of boys/men seem to let them get away with treating their partners like crap and never step in.
I think you need to speak to him about it and as his parents make it very clear how disappointed you are in what he has done.It will only fester if you don't.Hopefully he won't stay with the new GF long term if she is a home-wrecker type.

MisspentGenXYouth · 12/07/2023 21:38

Sounds like you’re way more invested in the happiness and wellbeing of someone your son dated than your actual son which is probably why his relationship changes come as such a shock to you. He’s not telling you anything because he’s not comfortable sharing his concerns with you. You’re not supportive of him, you obviously have no interest trying to see things from his perspective. Your level of outrage directed towards him is something you’d expect from her own mother not his.

Shodan · 12/07/2023 21:39

I'm honestly aghast at the amount of vitriol against the OP's DS, to be honest. OP hasn't even paid him the courtesy of asking for his side of the story! She knows only what his ex-girlfriend has said- and has given it total credence, seemingly without a second thought for her DS.

As a PP said- what if the OP was talking about a daughter's ex-boyfriend? If she'd said that she had sat and listened to him maligning her daughter and completely believed him, and was going to go home and call her out on it? Would everyone be so vehemently on the OP and ex-boyfriend's side?

Or would they advise asking the daughter for her side? Or, possibly, would they ask the OP what the hell she was thinking of, cosily having coffee with and listening to someone insulting her daughter?

But no. Because it's a man, and the OP was having a good old gossip with a woman, then obviously the woman is right.

Truly despicable double standards.

Penguin34 · 12/07/2023 21:40

I think you need to get a life

DrSbaitso · 12/07/2023 21:43

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:36

Someone who commits a harmful or immoral act.

Yep. I'm good.
But feel free to suggest mu word choice is the issue in this whole debacle.

Well your unbelievable dishonesty in word choices, claiming that black is white, pretty much is the debacle at this point. Plenty of other posters have explained why they support OP without making up rubbish about what other people have said and proudly admitting they don't have the decency to retract.

Is this moral authority?

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:45

Penguin34 · 12/07/2023 21:40

I think you need to get a life

DrSbaitso, that's you that is...

Vivi0 · 12/07/2023 21:48

Shodan · 12/07/2023 21:39

I'm honestly aghast at the amount of vitriol against the OP's DS, to be honest. OP hasn't even paid him the courtesy of asking for his side of the story! She knows only what his ex-girlfriend has said- and has given it total credence, seemingly without a second thought for her DS.

As a PP said- what if the OP was talking about a daughter's ex-boyfriend? If she'd said that she had sat and listened to him maligning her daughter and completely believed him, and was going to go home and call her out on it? Would everyone be so vehemently on the OP and ex-boyfriend's side?

Or would they advise asking the daughter for her side? Or, possibly, would they ask the OP what the hell she was thinking of, cosily having coffee with and listening to someone insulting her daughter?

But no. Because it's a man, and the OP was having a good old gossip with a woman, then obviously the woman is right.

Truly despicable double standards.

Exactly this!

I can’t imagine anyone would be referring to the daughter as a “perpetrator” either.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:53

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:35

You said she doesnt have the right. That is taking away her right.

I cant think why she hasnt returned.

I havent implied any one is sexist

Its just interesting that you and others have berated her and dissected mu posts in such detail in an attempt to claim she shouldnt have any opinion. She called out her sons crap behaviour and got this. Unfair.

Good grief the melodrama

I don’t have the power to take her right away. I’m just some woman on a forum and she can take my advice or leave it.

But you keep banging on about the OP’s ‘right’ like it’s something written in law - what right are you referring to exactly?

She can have an opinion all she likes - but airing it to her son would be very unwise and pointless. That’s all some of use are trying to say.

You accused @DrSbaitso of saying that women should only have an opinion when men sanction it or some such garbage - so yea you have accused posters randomly of sexism

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:54

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:36

Someone who commits a harmful or immoral act.

Yep. I'm good.
But feel free to suggest mu word choice is the issue in this whole debacle.

You missed out ‘illegal’.

The OP’s son is no more a perpetrator than I am because I stepped on an ant this morning.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:56

Mummyof287 · 12/07/2023 21:38

Can't beleive some of these responses basically condoning his behaviour! I'm guessing those posters have never been cheated on.
Of the GF is correct, then his behaviour was horrible and good on you to be disgusted with him for it! Many mothers of boys/men seem to let them get away with treating their partners like crap and never step in.
I think you need to speak to him about it and as his parents make it very clear how disappointed you are in what he has done.It will only fester if you don't.Hopefully he won't stay with the new GF long term if she is a home-wrecker type.

Home wrecker - honestly they were unmarried mid20’s not a family with 5 kids.

Many mothers of boys/men seem to let them get away with treating their partners like crap

Now THIS wins the award for most misogynistic comment of the thread! How are mother to blame when men in their mid-20’s cheat on their partner! Also how is she meant to step in when she didn’t know?

And no one at all has condoned cheating - just that it’s nothing to do with OP and that her reaction is way OTT

Vivi0 · 12/07/2023 21:56

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 21:36

Someone who commits a harmful or immoral act.

Yep. I'm good.
But feel free to suggest mu word choice is the issue in this whole debacle.

But your word choice is the issue.

This “whole debacle”? A young person cheating on their partner? Shit happens and people make mistakes. How does one learn in life if one does not make mistakes in life? How does one strive to be better without having fucked up?

The cheating isn’t an issue because it’s none of OP’s business. And it’s most certainly not your business.

It’s the business of the OP’s child and their partner. They will both learn and hopefully grow from it.

From the OP’s posts, there is clearly no perpetrator. So yes, your word choice is the issue.

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:57

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 21:45

DrSbaitso, that's you that is...

Are you speaking for other posters now?

WandaWonder · 12/07/2023 22:01

If your son does not tell you to mind your own business I would be very surprised but I have a feeling if you do come back it will be to say 'he says I am absolutely right I acted terribly and have seen the light thanks to you'

Tighginn · 12/07/2023 22:02

WeetabixTowels · 12/07/2023 21:57

Are you speaking for other posters now?

No, Newman and Baddiel are, ffs....

Thepossibility · 12/07/2023 22:45

I'd be disappointed and say so. Just like if I'd heard he'd stolen something or hurt someone.
We are their parents and it's our job to raise them right and to guide them.
Once I had talked to them about it I would drop it, what's done is done.

CherryBlossoms88 · 12/07/2023 22:59

Thepossibility · 12/07/2023 22:45

I'd be disappointed and say so. Just like if I'd heard he'd stolen something or hurt someone.
We are their parents and it's our job to raise them right and to guide them.
Once I had talked to them about it I would drop it, what's done is done.

Agree…. We as parents can voice our opinion, and to help guide them like you say. Yes they might not always agree, like or care but I’d like to think I have a fairly open and honest relationship with my children whereby we can talk freely.