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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
Pkhsvd · 12/07/2023 16:32

I think you’re over involved and the girlfriend shouldn’t have told you this. If you or your DH have a go at him for this then you’re just going to damage your relationship with him. The way you wrote your post makes it sound like you were part of the break up.
Life is rarely black and white and your DS obviously didn’t want to talk to you about it at the time and that’s not going to change now so I’d step back.

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 12/07/2023 16:33

You need a hobby OP. Your DS’s love life is not your concern and what you have heard is her version of events anyway.
Why would your DH go ‘ballistic’? It’s none of his business either!!

ExtraOnions · 12/07/2023 16:34

Why did the ex tell you .. other than to cause trouble ? Which she has succeeded in doing.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 16:34

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 15:49

You are really over involved in your DS's love life.
You're being ridiculous, it's really non of your business. You have no idea what went on in his relationship and your DH would certainly be out of order to "go ballistic" at his new GF.
Back off and get a hobby or something.

Unnecessarily spiteful.

OP, I think you have every reason to feel as you do. I think you sound really nice.

And how many threads on here bash MILs for their treatment? Yet a woman showing kindness and care to a woman her son treated very badly is worthy of several mean responses? Odd.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/07/2023 16:34

I think you are very over-invested in this. It's none of your business.

Yes it's a bit rubbish for him to have been seeing someone else when he was splitting up with her but it happens. They are relatively young, they weren't married and didn't have children, the relationship was clearly ending.

Honestly they were probably too young to have taken the step of buying together and they may both have felt pressured into this because you were so keen for the relationship to work. It may have been a huge relief to him to be able to step off the merry-go-round.

This degree of parental mission creep into the personal lives of kids is very unhealthy. Leave well alone.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:34

I don't think you're overinvolved or overreacting. I have adult children and would feel completely justified in expecting them to treat anyone they're in a relationship with with care, consideration, honesty, and respect. Cheating on someone indicates a flawed personality imo. It's not an option in a relationship, and I would let a DC know that was my opinion.

Noicant · 12/07/2023 16:36

I’d be really upset by that as well. It’s his life to live but you always hope your children behave well.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:37

Tantaijin · 12/07/2023 16:28

Pretty much this exact scenario happened between my brother and mother when he was younger. DM previously liked the new girlfriend before she found out.

DM told DB exactly what she thought of him and of his new girlfriends behaviour.

My mum sided with the first girlfriend and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the new one. She withdrew all financial support from DB and wouldn’t allow the new girlfriend to the house or any family events. She did however regularly invite the lovely old girlfriend and threw DB and her together at every opportunity.

Could have easily backfired but worked in this case. DB ditched new girlfriend and have been married to the first one for 17 years, to my knowledge happily.

Wow! I think even if DS's ex-partner was still single, I think she'd have more sense than to end up back with him.

To be honest, I didn't mind the new girlfriend either. She was only 20/21 when they got together (depending on when you count it from!) which made me slightly uneasy, but it wasn't like she was 18, and they both seemed happy. The strangest thing, which was pointed out by DD, was the new girlfriend looks very oddly like his ex-partner.

OP posts:
Bubbylana · 12/07/2023 16:38

OP are you a religious person. Thou shall not commit adultery. I think your way too invested in your sons love life . Stop seeing or texting his ex because thats what she is his ex.
You seem to have taken your friends break up very personally too.
Step away and get on with your own life.

PoppyFleur · 12/07/2023 16:38

I would be disappointed too.

Relationships don’t always work out and one party may fall out of love with the other however, how fairly they treat that person shows the direction their moral compass points. Too many people are comfortable in trampling over another without a passing thought.

Ignore some of the comments on here, if you can’t vent about your disappointment on an anonymous forum, then where can you.

mikado1 · 12/07/2023 16:38

Yes it's disappointing but remembering that time of my own life and my friends, it was a pretty common situation, tho obviously not great. He felt dreadful obviously, as you said and he owned up, so he's taken it on board.

Back2front · 12/07/2023 16:39

You are overinvested in their lives. Step back.

RudsyFarmer · 12/07/2023 16:39

I look back at some of things I did in my twenties and thirties and cringe. I would never be so flippant with peoples feelings. Just try to accept he fucked up and be pleased he came clean about it afterwards. At least he had the good conscience to feel shit about it and fess up.

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 16:39

I think you are too over invested. It might be ok to be angry but I wouldn’t say anything to him. And it would be outrageous to say anything to his new girlfriend. I can’t think of a better way to isolate them both! It’s really none of your business and you would be better to move on.

By the way how does your sons new partner feel about your friendship with his ex? I know my MIL keeps in touch with my husbands ex gf, even now we are married and it makes me quite hurt to be honest.

LivinDaylights · 12/07/2023 16:40

Wow you are way too invested in his love life 🙈. His relationship wasn't working and ended, he cheated, that's on him, there's no children involved it's his life to do whatever he likes with. None of this is anything to do with you anyway, confused why you mention being "unhappy with the new gf" what's she done exactly? Just very weird how you think any of this is any of your business?!

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:40

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:34

I don't think you're overinvolved or overreacting. I have adult children and would feel completely justified in expecting them to treat anyone they're in a relationship with with care, consideration, honesty, and respect. Cheating on someone indicates a flawed personality imo. It's not an option in a relationship, and I would let a DC know that was my opinion.

Have an opinion,
refuse to host the girl-friend when she is overlapping with the current one,
tell your child you don't agree with something,
refuse to support the cheating,

all normal

but getting involved in it, being absolutely disgusted, ballistic?
He's 28. The OP need to back off, it's none of her business. Who wants parents or in-laws as over-bearing as that?

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:40

I’m really confused by all these comments saying OP is over involved. When you’ve been in a long term relationship with someone, their family becomes your own. Some don’t blend so well but for those that do it can be a painful separation from the partner and their family too.
I think OP is being totally reasonable in her anger, she’s seen a life blossoming between her son and his ex and he’s ruined it - but not admitted the truth to his mum about what’s happened.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 12/07/2023 16:40

Biggest mistake the DS has made is confessing. Mega demonstration that what people don’t know doesn’t hurt them.

mikado1 · 12/07/2023 16:41

RudsyFarmer · 12/07/2023 16:39

I look back at some of things I did in my twenties and thirties and cringe. I would never be so flippant with peoples feelings. Just try to accept he fucked up and be pleased he came clean about it afterwards. At least he had the good conscience to feel shit about it and fess up.

Exactly. You live and learn. They weren't right for each other in the end.

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 16:42

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:15

I wouldn't be friends with someone who had done that to their partner. DH and I were friends with a couple (and I wouldn't say we were friends with one more than the other either), and the wife cheated on the husband with a colleague. We are no longer friends. I've never wanted people in my life who think that is an acceptable way to treat people.

You can treat people badly in more ways than cheating though. Someone could be subtly shitty to their partner day in day out and you would never know.

Jellycats4life · 12/07/2023 16:42

You’re perfectly entitled to be upset. You obviously saw this girl like a daughter in law.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:42

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:22

She did say she thought it was selfish for him to have told her. It just made her feel like she'd wasted years of her life, even more than she already did. Her mum thought he'd cheated, because it didn't make sense to her otherwise, but she defended him because he'd never do that.

Yes, it absolutely was selfish of him to assuage his guilt by telling her.

If any of my DDs were thinking of dating your son and I knew what I know about his behaviour in a relationship, I would caution them very strongly against getting involved.

Whose idea was it to buy a house together and move in, and how long after they first met did they decide to move in together?

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 16:42

I also think there’s a big difference between having an affair whilst married with children and cheating on a girlfriend at university in your early twenties.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:43

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 16:39

I think you are too over invested. It might be ok to be angry but I wouldn’t say anything to him. And it would be outrageous to say anything to his new girlfriend. I can’t think of a better way to isolate them both! It’s really none of your business and you would be better to move on.

By the way how does your sons new partner feel about your friendship with his ex? I know my MIL keeps in touch with my husbands ex gf, even now we are married and it makes me quite hurt to be honest.

It's mostly just a Merry Christmas/happy birthday. I Facebook liked a photo of her new dog. With the permission of DD, I sent her a photo of my granddaughter on her 3rd birthday. She did absolutely love her to pieces. It's far from frequent contact.

OP posts:
Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 16:43

@MammaTo his mum isn’t owed the truth of the inner workings of his relationship though.