Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
MoroccanRoseHChurch · 12/07/2023 16:43

I bet DS’s reaction to the break up was down to seeing how upset you and your family were. You’ve got so so involved, he didn’t just have to end his relationship, he had to end your relationship with her as well. No wonder he needed some incentive (a new GF) to go through with it.

HorseyMel · 12/07/2023 16:44

I thought you were going to say something really bad. But no, you took about half a book simply to say that DS started with his new girlfriend a little bit before finishing with his old one. Sure, it's not great, but I don't think it's a flogging offence. Jeez.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/07/2023 16:44

His actions have had an effect on two families, at his age he should know better.
And we don’t cease to be mothers just because our children are grown ups.
For all it’s worth, @Cath60 , I would give my child a bollocking.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, this whole ‘none of your business’ and maybe that’s why so many people are lonely, families are like strangers to one another.

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:44

Sums up well why MIL are seen as negatively as they are.

shropshirewitch · 12/07/2023 16:45

Whole thing sounds nuts. They bought a house together after six MONTHS? Or this was his first LTR and they bought a house after years together? Either way... it's not your relationship so say nothing.

Whatafustercluck · 12/07/2023 16:45

People fall in and out of love, sometimes in less than ideal circumstances.

I'd be disappointed too (we all want to raise respectful sons) but it's his life, not yours.

Doingmybest12 · 12/07/2023 16:45

You were really heartless saying it was for the best and it was no one's fault. What a thing to say to someone who had her future taken away from her by your son. I'm not surprised she came back with this information about his new relationship. You were very naieve believing your son ended things for no reason out of the blue like that. You don't have to approve or not, you don't have to do anything. Other than perhaps apologise to the ex for being so glib.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 12/07/2023 16:45

You need to stay out of it. By all means maintain a loose friendship with the ex, but these things happen. Something similar here with my DS, fully checked out of his relationship with his ex, she was hanging on trying to make it work, meanwhile had fallen for someone else that he lined up as soon as he finished with his girlfriend. Not defending him as I felt her pain, but he still took her on our prearranged family holiday to the US which he paid for, still took her out for her 21st and bought her a present, even when they had split up. I think it was guilt, but he was as kind as he could be, in a typical insensitive male way.

in the bigger scheme of things, the woman he is with now is far better for him, doesn’t put up with his shit and is funny, supportive and caring. I’m still friends on social media with the ex, she’s a lovely girl and happy herself now.

it was for the best, in a few years you won’t give it headspace.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 16:46

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:44

Sums up well why MIL are seen as negatively as they are.

Why? OP is ashamed of her sons behaviour and empathising with his ex of whom voluntarily spoke about things.

WhichWitchWillBeWhich · 12/07/2023 16:46

The strangest thing, which was pointed out by DD, was the new girlfriend looks very oddly like his ex-partner.

That just means he has a type, nothing weird going on that he’s still hung up about her or wants to get back with her.
I think you need to let her go…

millymog11 · 12/07/2023 16:47

OP millions and i mean millions and millions of men end relationships via overlapping with a new relationship.

Maybe I am wrong but I would say that is how the vast majority of men end one relationship and move onto the next. They cheat, and then they decide to move onto the person they have cheated with.
Women do it too of course but for men, it seems to be the main way it happens.

I am not saying it is right and I am not saying you should not think your son did something wrong, but believe me he did not do something which is unusual at all.

NotTerfNorCis · 12/07/2023 16:47

What he did was shitty and of course it's the OP's business, he's her son, and the girlfriend was almost part of the family.

BarbedButterfly · 12/07/2023 16:47

Well I would feel same as you. I don't have much time for cheaters whether they are family or not. However, in this case it was a while ago now and while I would tell my son I was disappointed in him, I would try to make the best of it

ThePM · 12/07/2023 16:48

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:00

I keep thinking about how upset he was at the time. The ex-partner called her parents to tell them what had happened and she ended up going to theirs for the weekend. He was in bits about it. When she did come back because she had work the next day, he was so upset (because he thought she was never coming back) she had to call me. Now all that seems like such strange behaviour. I thought I'd done a better job at parenting that he wouldn't treat anyone so badly.

But isn’t it a lesson in how bizarre people are that they can cheat on their partner and then presume to feel bad about their relationship ending.

Ritualroad · 12/07/2023 16:48

You still sound hung up on her though!! I am still hurt by my MIL sending a happy birthday/Christmas text to DHs ex because there’s just no need IMO when the partner has moved on. She knows it’s wrong as well as she has her saved in her mobile phone under a different name. You would be better off putting energy into getting to know your sons new partner.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:49

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:42

Yes, it absolutely was selfish of him to assuage his guilt by telling her.

If any of my DDs were thinking of dating your son and I knew what I know about his behaviour in a relationship, I would caution them very strongly against getting involved.

Whose idea was it to buy a house together and move in, and how long after they first met did they decide to move in together?

It was after a couple of years. She'd moved into his share when she got a job, so they'd lived together a year quite happily before buying. They had a deposit renting long-term was twice as expensive as a mortgage. They got very lucky with the time of that sale - they sold when house prices in our region were peaking, so made £20k each without doing anything drastic to the house.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:49

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 16:43

@MammaTo his mum isn’t owed the truth of the inner workings of his relationship though.

No but I bet she feels a bit betrayed in a way, like he’s tried to play it down and it was an amicable split to try and save face.

pilates · 12/07/2023 16:49

You need to stop now - it is unhealthy the way you are over invested. You cannot live his life for him. If he has made a mistake then that’s up to him but it sounds like they are moving on and you are not.

itsgettingweird · 12/07/2023 16:50

Good for you for angry with your ds.

My ex cheated on me. His mother acted like I was totally in the wrong to expect him to be a dad with our ds because he needed to look for flats and acted as if I was wrong for not wanting to attend her family events with my ds and them - I'd just tell them he'd be available for them to take him.

MammaTo · 12/07/2023 16:51

BuddhaAtSea · 12/07/2023 16:44

His actions have had an effect on two families, at his age he should know better.
And we don’t cease to be mothers just because our children are grown ups.
For all it’s worth, @Cath60 , I would give my child a bollocking.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing, this whole ‘none of your business’ and maybe that’s why so many people are lonely, families are like strangers to one another.

All very true - I’m very confused by people saying she’s over stepping. My PIL would have a field day on my partner if he cheated.

Cucucucu · 12/07/2023 16:52

I agree with you . I would be very disappointed with my children if they did this to their wort era qnd very wary of any new partner who started a relationship this way

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:52

shropshirewitch · 12/07/2023 16:45

Whole thing sounds nuts. They bought a house together after six MONTHS? Or this was his first LTR and they bought a house after years together? Either way... it's not your relationship so say nothing.

They were together for a year, she moved into his share for a year, then they bought together. Hope that makes sense. Doesn't it often take nearly that long to complete!?

OP posts:
saraclara · 12/07/2023 16:53

I'd be disappointed, but it happened 18 months ago, and both parties have moved on and are happy.

You really need to calm down.

WildUnchartedWaters · 12/07/2023 16:53

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:44

Sums up well why MIL are seen as negatively as they are.

You havent done what you thought you did there.

Shes supported the girl. Not her son.

x2boys · 12/07/2023 16:53

Its never be of your business,
At least they weren't married with kids