To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

[Cath60]

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

Don't tell DrSbaitso shhhh.....

@Aaaaandbreathe

I don't think she did know. In the opening OP she says Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault so I think it came as a bit of a surprise to her.

I quoted you Andbreathe to explain my take on people saying 'we don't know this is true' ie potentially someone could twist the truth to their ex's family (male or female). Not that she necessarily did this.

It is not something that I have had to deal with with my DS but I wouldn't immediately accept the ex's version of events over theirs. In fact, as I have said upthread, I wouldn't be discussing their past relationships/break ups with an ex at all - it would make me feel quite uncomfortable. Frankly, after 18 months and them both moving on, I cannot see any benefits of pulling him (or her) up now but I could see some possible negative consequences within the family and OP's relationship with them. Maybe a very brief chat with DS, but really what would that achieve? According to the ex he feels guilty already. If it was me I would let it go.

Missed this post earlier

This thread’s turned into a scorched wasteland 🫣

Posters are stating that the OP is ridiculously over-reacting and far too involved,

but people are replying that it's ok to express an opinion.

The 2 are completely different things and not mutually exclusive, so the thread can last awhile 😂

Actually OP sounds like a pretty decent mother.

She is calling her son out on his shitty behaviour. Good for her.
Doesn't matter how old he is, or who was involved. He did a shitty thing, she knows about it and is calling him out on it.

If more people (and yes mothers included) called men out on shitty behaviour I can't see how that is a bad thing. or is it best to just let them crack on, because its none of our business?

We're always saying blokes should call out their mates when they do disrespectful and crappy things. what the hell is the difference? Why should his cheating be swept under the carpet and never mentioned again?
He fucked up, his mother is going to let him know how disappointing and shitty his behaviour was, and end of.
I would do the same to my son. My bloody way would I just ignore him cheating on a partner, because it was apparently none of my business. Its literally my job to try and raise a decent human being. No matter their age, if they fuck up and I know about it, damn right I'm going to say something.

And I have a great relationship with all my dc. Maybe thats the difference in the comments on here? I wouldn't for a second think, i'd better not say anything because they might stop talking to me! Because that just simply wouldn't happen.

Perhaps it's just that we none of us know everything that goes on in a relationship. So, confronting an adult child on the basis of what an ex says is quite accusatory. Maybe it's to late to bring the subject up? In addition the OP seems to have become very fond of the ex and missing her , so quite frankly I wonder if she is going to give her son a fair hearing.

I think there's a difference in calling out bad behaviour at the time, when there's a possibility you might influence the person to change, and revisiting an event that took place 18m ago, from which everyone has moved on.
What would be the purpose of OP confronting her son now? It's done. He can't go back and un cheat because his mum has told him off.
He knew it was wrong, hence his confession, so she's not telling him anything he doesn't know.
She's disappointed in him, but other than getting that off her chest, how does telling him improve anything for anyone?
The OP is angry with her son because she now knows the reason she's lost her ideal family set up is not due to one of those sad things that just happen, but because he did wrong; and she wants to vent that somewhere.
I don't see that as some great act of maternal responsibility, rather just an understandable human desire to have a go at someone you're annoyed with. Which given his age, the relationship and time frame, would be far better resisted.

100% agree. This is the truth.

There are always double standards on MN. This scenario that finished months ago was probably six of one and half dozen of the other.

Yep, agree. The only reason is for OP to have a go at him to make herself feel better, and tell herself she parented him right despite this happening - parenting being a bit of a moot point when your son is 26, bought a house and is dealing with his personal life.

There is nothing constructive to gain for any of the people who were actually involved in this event, which is very much past and resolved now.

Oh good grief, get over it. It’s disappointing that he would do that to his ex, certainly, but hopefully he’s learned from that and he probably isn’t exactly proud of what he did! Both are now happier with other people. Just butt out, you’re so unhealthily involved!

I agree.

And if he was still cheating on her now I’d absolutely be advising OP to have a word. But this is SO far on the past now. It’s pointless

Update: I think we're both glad I brought it up. I said I had bumped into his ex-partner (stressing I had just bumped into her, in a garden centre, which had a coffee shop) and we went for a coffee, where after some prodding she told me what had happened. I then gave him the opportunity to give his own account of events. I think the only difference in his story was exactly when he'd started seeing his current girlfriend. It had actually been going on longer than what he'd told his ex-partner. If what he's told me is right, it basically started when his ex-partner was having some brief health difficulties. I think my gut was right in believing her.

DS then started getting upset about it. To keep a very long conversation as brief as I can, he massively regretted cheating and actually ending the relationship. Everything seemed to come pouring out. He said he started regretting it when it all started feeling real, when they were selling the house, when he was having to look for flats to rent, when she started seeing the fling (and seemingly enjoying single life). When they had actually sold the house and she moved back in with her parents, he said he really missed her and it properly sunk in then what he'd done.

DS had confessed to his ex-partner at the request of his girlfriend. From what he said, she wasn't too happy about them still being on fairly good terms. He had considered breaking up with her a few times, but he would feel like "it was all for nothing".

He wanted to talk about it, but he'd told one close friend, who just told him he only had himself to blame, made it clear he didn't like his behaviour either. When the friend moved to do a master's not long after, he didn't keep in touch, and DS thinks this is probably why. It wouldn't surprise me too much if that's the case as she was one of the few people outside of his family and close knit group of friends he was comfortable around.

I think DS may have actually learned something, without the need to be berated by anyone. Is that what a natural consequence is? I was incredibly careful not to even vaguely suggest it, but he is considering breaking up with his girlfriend, before he gets too deep into it. I knew she'd suggested moving in together at some point soon. Obviously, that's his decision to make.

DS said he will tell DH when he gets back, regardless of what his decision is around his girlfriend, because he knows I don't like keeping things from him. So I guess he can make mature decisions when he wants to. I can't decide if I feel sorry for him, but I hope it will stop him from behaving as terribly again.

I think what he needs is a bit of time on his own, but he needs to figure that out for himself.

I think we're both glad I brought it up.

Er, you do?

Yes because he'd been really struggling with it, and the consequences of it, without anyone to actually talk to, when the one person who he had trusted to tell had stopped talking to him not long after.

I don't think he has learned as much as you think. He is still displaying selfish behaviour. He is still lying to women because it suits him. Presumably he is still sleeping with the girlfriend he wants to break up with. She thinks they are in a committed relationship, and it suits him to let her think that. He's going to continue with this charade until he is forced to address it instead of being a grown-up.

Sounds like he needed to have the conversation, even just to verbalise his mental thoughts and possibly help with his own decision making.
I find it easier to open up about relationship issues with my own parents, not necessarily for their advice but just someone close to listen to me.
It sounds like he messed up his previous relationship and is now messing up his current one. Atleast he acknowledges it and he can hopefully make a quicker decision.
By the sounds of it you didn’t go ballistic and now letting him figure it out for himself.

Op, he sounds like a real charmer. He cheated when his partner was having some minor health difficulties? She’s better off without him and as bad as it sounds your son isn’t the man you think he is/was. He seems to have the spiel off pat and told you what you wanted to hear. And as for his new girlfriend?? She insisted he told his ex about her? Wasn’t it enough that they’d broken up? And regardless of how this is dressed up - the new girl very much wanted to put the boot in on the ex and that’s what telling her was all about. I think your son and the new partner are well matched.

She knows her son did not act in way she’s proud of, hence the bloody point of this thread.

However so many of you were spouting, it’s none of your business, don’t talk to your son about it, don’t get involved etc etc… and some of you are slagging off her son…. She knows this already!!!