To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

[Cath60]

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

I would be really upset to find out my mum was having coffee with my ex-partner from eighteen months ago. It's really not appropriate imo.

Not necessarily. Some families are very close and completely integrate partners and spouses of children, others really don't and leave their children to pursue their own "family unit".

It partly depends on how close-knit the family is: if you grew up in an environment where you spent a huge amount of time with your family members you're more likely to feel that a spouse or partner needs to become integrated into the broader family unit. In families with more distant relationships there's less of a push to do this.

My parents would never have seen any of my boyfriends or my ex-husband as "their own", they would have welcomed them (as long as they treated me well) but accepted that there was a healthy division between my "unit" and theirs. Which I think is the right way to do it. You choose your spouse or partner on their own merits and don't necessarily want the entire family circus to come as a job lot. Yes it's nice to have a nice relationship with them but I would hate to be expected to spend every free moment with a partner's family, I would have found that unbearably stifling.

It may be that the OP's son felt the same and wanted to put a bit of distance between himself and the OP's involvement in his relationship. I can understand her dismay at his behaviour but frankly it sounds a bit overbearing and she may have in part been responsible for this.

Oh can she? That's nice.

MIL cant tell her son what to do pr how to feel but PPs can tell a fully grown woman.

I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too

good luck if she ends up to be "the one" and they happily build a life together.
Don't complain if you have very little relation with your son and his partner. You can still be friend with the ex I suppose.

I think that's a shame, as a decent MIl would have shown you compassion and not just cut you out.

I have seen numerous threads on here when a MIL cuts someone off after poor behaviour and how hurt they feel, to great support from PPs

who said she can't "tell him" something?
You can have an opinion and discuss it without being ridiculously involved like the OP. Absolutely fuming and disgusted? Really...

I’d be upset too with my son

I wouldn't want or expect any support from my MIL if DH and I split up, and I see her several times a week.

@Woopzies I did say that she should mention her disappointment, just not go ballistic! Getting angry isn’t always the best approach.

There's always a lot of projection on these threads, when someone who had been dumped are so bitter about it they are angry at the entire mankind 😂

I would be disappointed BUT I would hear both sides of the story before actually feeling any “disappointment”, you don’t know what went on behind closed doors?

personally they’ve both moved on? Why would you or DH say anything to his new girlfriend 🤔? Why would you go ballistic at BOTH of them? If it is true and the way his ex has explained things, then surely you’d just have a chat with him about how disappointed you are as you would want him to treat someone with more respect, also it was your son that was in a relationship (as far as I’m aware not the new girlfriend).

be careful with this one though because to me you sound far too involved and look as if your favouring the ex just because she “fits into your family” and you don’t want to go ahead and tell your son how disappointed you are until you’ve actually heard his side surely?

As others have said it’s not ideal but he obviously felt bad about it (if it’s true) and wanted to try and make things right by telling the truth (although wasn’t the best choice) he was doing it for the right reasons not to cause her upset or to spite her, he genuinely felt bad about a mistake he had made and confessed..

think you need to take a step back tho completely, it’s his relationship, they’ve moved on, you do the same.

I'd let him know that I knew and that I was disgusted by his and the OWs behaviour. Then let it go.

If she should be involved because she reared him, then she should take part of the blame for rearing a cheat. 🙄

Or she can keep her beak out. Which is the normal thing to do.

Your son disappointed you OP, he did something wrong. It isn't right, but he is human and made a mistake. Hopefully he has learned from it.

He is your kid. You can not like what he did and still love him and treat his new partner kindly.

Yeah this might be why I’m so confused by people saying she’s over stepped. My partner is completely intergrated into my family life and vice versa.

My FIL calls all 3 of her DIL’s his daughters, he see’s us as his own as does my MIL - she’s signs off birthday cards as from Mum & Dad (insert surname) 😂. She’d go mental if she found out one of her sons had cheated, same as the OP.

I'm not usually an angry person. This is quite an unusual emotion for me.

Yes some people treat others badly.

What’s your AIBU?

@Cath60 you've gotten a bit of a hard time here.

I totally get it, you think you have raised your children to be decent human beings then find out they've cheated on their partner who you considered family.

It's great she has moved on but ok for you to be upset about what happened, you've only just found out.

I would tell DS how you feel but there isn't much you can do after that. I also understand that it has changed your perception of his new girlfriend so maybe try meet with her and clear the air? Otherwise it's going to fester and make family meet ups rather awkward.

Not manipulative in the slightest...she was setting the record straight!

Quite.

YABU to be this involved in his love life.

Italian, Greek, Spanish etc families still eat together every Sunday. None of this countries have a minister for loneliness.
Tell a mother from any of these countries it’s none of her business her son behaved disgracefully 😁
It’s not about being an authoritarian parent, it’s about being an authoritative figure. It’s how families work.

I can see why you’re disappointed in him op,
but it’s really his business not yours. He’s a grown man and although what he did was unfair, it’s not for you to police his morals.

How do you know she's not making it up or shit-stirring?

I did have to get it out of her. She always did involuntarily pull faces or go bright red, giving something away.

Many mumsnetters would happily bring back the death penalty for the horrendous crime of cheating on your DP so this is the wrong place to seek dispassionate advice.

Would you rather your DS have stayed with his XP for the rest of his life even though he didn't love her and wasn't happy?

If that's how she feels, yes.