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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely disgusted at DS?

472 replies

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 15:45

Where to even start with this? At the start, I suppose? DS, now 28, broke up with his partner, now 27, about a year and a half ago. She was absolutely devastated at the time. For all of us it came virtually out of nowhere. We knew he was depressed (my FIL died and he was hating his uni course he'd left his job for), but didn't see it coming. He said he just saw her as a friend, and that was it. His ex-partner took a while to accept the situation. The way she described it to me at the time was it was like her life was falling apart. She'd moved to be with DS, they'd bought a house together (and at the time wasn't in a position buy again because her job was zero hours) and very much saw my family as her's - she absolutely doted on my granddaughter (probably babysat the most, after me and DH). For the rest of the family, it was really sad. We absolutely loved her - she'd been really good for DS (and was the first relationship he'd had that had got to 6 months), but we'd rather it end than continue a relationship like that, when they were both so young. She did wrap her head around it and had a bit of a rebound fling while they were selling the house (good for her!). DS also started seeing a girl from his course - which I thought was a bit quick, but he seemed happy.

DS and ex-partner both still lived together in the house while they were selling it and got on, and kept in touch after they sold and she moved back home. I've exchanged the occasional message with her and she popped in on the way back from a work event to pick some bits DS had accidentally packed with his things. She seems to be getting on really well - she managed to buy a new house and has been with her new boyfriend for about 9 months.

I bumped into her the other day, while out shopping. We ended up going for a coffee and a catch-up. I showed her photos of my granddaughter and she commented on how big she'd got. I did tell her I thought it was for the best, what happened. Both DS and her seem happier than they were, and it wasn't like it was anyone's fault. She then pulled a face. After a bit of prodding, she then said there was something she thought I should know. She said there was "overlap" between the new girlfriend, and her. DS had been seeing the new girlfriend for the last few months of his relationship with his ex-partner. I absolutely believe her, not because I assume he'd do that, but because I'd never believe in a million years she'd make it up. She said he called her a month or so after they'd sold the house and told her the truth out of guilt. They were still friends at that point, they'd still been in fairly regular contact at that point. She said he told her she was his best friend and couldn't continue lying to her. The only contact they had after that was sorting out closing their joint current account.

I've never been so angry with him in my entire life. I can't believe he did that to that poor girl. She uprooted her life for him, barely saw family and friends for years to be with him, we had basically adopted her into our family and he does that to her? Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too - she knew DS was in a committed relationship. He doesn't know I know. I haven't even told DH because he'll go absolutely ballistic at them both.

OP posts:
BarryK3nt · 12/07/2023 16:10

I understand that you’re disappointed but these things happen. It sounds like it’s all worked out for the best in the end.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/07/2023 16:12

I would be deeply ashamed and disappointed with any of my children in similar situations as well, I haven't raised them to be so deceitful and morally corrupt to treat someone like that.
I would take this as a lesson to not invest much with his future girlfriends.

EvilElsa · 12/07/2023 16:13

You can be disappointed but he's 28!!! It's absolutely none of your business and you are way too invested in his love life. It's nothing to do with the way you raised him, he's been an adult now for years and can take responsibility for his own choices. We ALL do stupid shit at some stage. I've not cheated before but I'm sure I've done stuff my parents would be disappointed about if they knew. I'd be disappointed if I found out my mum was discussing my relationship with my ex behind my back.

5128gap · 12/07/2023 16:14

Its undoubtedly disappointing when our children do things we disapprove of. But I do think you're overreacting a little because of your own investment in his ex.
This was the woman you saw being your DiL and mother of your grandchildren. She fit in with your family perfectly and there was no sense she'd bring any conflict or disquiet to your life. Who wouldn't be disappointed to lose all of that?
I think you're now latching on to this behaviour of his as an outlet for your frustration and disappointment. Because, in perspective, while not ideal, it's not like he cheated on his wife of years and left her with a couple of children. They were a young couple in a relatively short relationship who thought they were right for each other, but sadly, your DS met someone he preferred. One way or another he'd have left his ex for her and the cross over may well have been due to his conflicted feelings.
No doubt people will say that's no excuse, but he's your son, and unless you feel so strongly you want to cut him out of your life, it's in no one's interests to fuel your anger at him.
If its the start of a pattern of serial cheating that would be different, but this time, I think you need to put it from your mind and move on.

Caramellois · 12/07/2023 16:15

You've heard one side of the story. It sounds like the relationship had run it's course. It's not as if they were married and had a houseful of children. They've both moved on which is something you don't seem to have done. Personally, I don't think your son should have ever confessed to the girlfriend - it was just to make him feel better and make her feel worse. She should have a bit more dignity too than tattletaling to the mother

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:15

CamCola · 12/07/2023 16:09

Think you need to butt out of your sons love life. It’s nothing to do with you.

I wouldn't be friends with someone who had done that to their partner. DH and I were friends with a couple (and I wouldn't say we were friends with one more than the other either), and the wife cheated on the husband with a colleague. We are no longer friends. I've never wanted people in my life who think that is an acceptable way to treat people.

OP posts:
NeedleFeltedFox · 12/07/2023 16:15

Uh…think you maybe need to get a hobby, stop contact with your DS ex gf and move on with your life. How your DS chooses to conduct his relationships is not your business and still being in text contact with his ex gf is weird

LobsterCrab · 12/07/2023 16:16

Yeah, this isn't great and I'd be disappointed in my son too. But let's face it, these things happen. I think your reaction is slightly OTT.

NeedleFeltedFox · 12/07/2023 16:16

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:15

I wouldn't be friends with someone who had done that to their partner. DH and I were friends with a couple (and I wouldn't say we were friends with one more than the other either), and the wife cheated on the husband with a colleague. We are no longer friends. I've never wanted people in my life who think that is an acceptable way to treat people.

Be less judgmental. It’s not your concern.

LakeTiticaca · 12/07/2023 16:17

They have both moved on and so should you. It's not your business.
It's something that happens to many people, it's a learning curve, it's real life.
At least he did it before making any further commitments., marriage, children etc.
From your title I thought he must have murdered somebody!!

Kiwiandstrawberries · 12/07/2023 16:18

Absolutely nothing wrong OP with being annoyed but time has now moved on .I certainly wouldn't condone any of my children behaving like that but apart from saying not your finest moment there is little else to be done.

gamerchick · 12/07/2023 16:20

You need to let it go man. You don't know his ex's motivation for telling you.

It's nothing to do with you. Let it go.

Xrays · 12/07/2023 16:20

I can understand you being annoyed but plenty of people do stupid things when they’re younger- and he was quite young at the time. For the sake of your relationship with your son I’d cut all contact with the ex and try to forget she ever told you. Really not worth the hassle.

pinkyredrose · 12/07/2023 16:21

Your husband would go 'ballistic'? Really?

Madamecholetsbonnet · 12/07/2023 16:22

You sound totally over invested.

Disappointed would be a normal reaction.

To be Absolutely Disgusted and talking about Going Ballistic is pretty unhealthy. I think you should wind your neck in and not mention to DS.

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:22

Caramellois · 12/07/2023 16:15

You've heard one side of the story. It sounds like the relationship had run it's course. It's not as if they were married and had a houseful of children. They've both moved on which is something you don't seem to have done. Personally, I don't think your son should have ever confessed to the girlfriend - it was just to make him feel better and make her feel worse. She should have a bit more dignity too than tattletaling to the mother

She did say she thought it was selfish for him to have told her. It just made her feel like she'd wasted years of her life, even more than she already did. Her mum thought he'd cheated, because it didn't make sense to her otherwise, but she defended him because he'd never do that.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 12/07/2023 16:23

Peacoffee · 12/07/2023 15:49

You are really over involved in your DS's love life.
You're being ridiculous, it's really non of your business. You have no idea what went on in his relationship and your DH would certainly be out of order to "go ballistic" at his new GF.
Back off and get a hobby or something.

Yes way too involved

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/07/2023 16:24

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:15

I wouldn't be friends with someone who had done that to their partner. DH and I were friends with a couple (and I wouldn't say we were friends with one more than the other either), and the wife cheated on the husband with a colleague. We are no longer friends. I've never wanted people in my life who think that is an acceptable way to treat people.

The thing is, you don't know what went on behind closed doors.

You have no reason to be so judgemental.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 12/07/2023 16:24

Well if you don’t condone that sort of behaviour cut your son out your life the way you have done your friends!

honestly your OTT, his love life is nothing to do with you, if your dh went ballistic over something that is old news, then be prepared for your son to go NC with you both.

NoHallSouth · 12/07/2023 16:26

Life isn't always black and white and people don't always behave perfectly.

I wouldn't cut friends off for cheating and I wouldn't interfere with my adult children's relationships. If my son asked, I would give my honest opinion but I would keep my thoughts to myself otherwise.

I've done loads of things I'm not proud of when I was young and I'm grateful people stuck by me while I learned from my mistakes. I value these people far more than those who were quick to judge and dismiss. And I try to afford the same generosity to those around me.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 16:27

I'd also be disappointed in my son for being a cheat but the relationships themselves aren't really your business. Sounds like she had a lucky escape, I'm sure she will move on to better things.

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:27

You are ridiculously involved, you need to back off. You are completely over-reacting.

You can disagree with cheating, don't we all, but why are you so involved?

Obviously, I'm also very unhappy with the girlfriend too
none of your business. Step away now. You are at high risk to become the MIL from hell that they will both run away from. You will lose your son, not just his girl-friend if they stay together.

Tantaijin · 12/07/2023 16:28

Pretty much this exact scenario happened between my brother and mother when he was younger. DM previously liked the new girlfriend before she found out.

DM told DB exactly what she thought of him and of his new girlfriends behaviour.

My mum sided with the first girlfriend and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with the new one. She withdrew all financial support from DB and wouldn’t allow the new girlfriend to the house or any family events. She did however regularly invite the lovely old girlfriend and threw DB and her together at every opportunity.

Could have easily backfired but worked in this case. DB ditched new girlfriend and have been married to the first one for 17 years, to my knowledge happily.

wholivesondrurylane · 12/07/2023 16:30

Cath60 · 12/07/2023 16:15

I wouldn't be friends with someone who had done that to their partner. DH and I were friends with a couple (and I wouldn't say we were friends with one more than the other either), and the wife cheated on the husband with a colleague. We are no longer friends. I've never wanted people in my life who think that is an acceptable way to treat people.

just by being so pompous and judgmental, and over-involved in people's business, you are clearly not as perfect as you think you are.

marmaladeslade · 12/07/2023 16:31

AT 28yo the worst thing your son has done is cheat on his gf for a month. Kudos to you! He must have been an amazing teenager. Leave the poor dude alone now.