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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend isn’t actually a lone parent?!

267 replies

butterlo · 12/07/2023 08:30

My friend describes herself as a lone parent and whilst her dd doesn’t see her dad so obviously she has no practical help, she has hundreds a month from her ex which means she has more flexibility than me… who I consider is a real lone parent. No contact with the father and has never paid a penny! Surely that’s the definition of a lone parent, not someone who has significant financial input for their child?!

OP posts:
Summermeadowflowers · 12/07/2023 08:31

I think you are being unreasonable, actually, in the same way that a widow who is left a lot of money by her late husband is still very much a widow.

BoredWithLife · 12/07/2023 08:32

I'm really not sure this is something to play Top Trumps over... are you genuinely upset someone is using the term "lone parent" to describe parenting without another person present, you know, alone...

DustyLee123 · 12/07/2023 08:32

Personally, I think a lone parent is one who gets no physical help from the other parent, so the child never sees them. It’s not about the financial.

Original poster
butterlo · 12/07/2023 08:33

I guess I wonder what it makes me then? I would love some financial support and if I had that in the amounts she has, I would definitely feel less alone!

OP posts:
Chewbaccaslime · 12/07/2023 08:35

It's not a race to the bottom. She looks after the child entirely by herself. She is a lone parent.

My sister died. BiL got a significant financial payout from life insurance and the mortgage was paid off as well. Would you argue under these circumstances that BIL is not a lone parent because he has financially benefited from his wife's death?!

TheOrigRights · 12/07/2023 08:35

I regard myself as a lone parent. No contact with my ex but he does pay some maintenance.

BoredWithLife · 12/07/2023 08:35

@butterlo it makes you a lone parent too... just one without so much money?

Everydayimhuffling · 12/07/2023 08:35

You would feel richer, not less alone. The two are separate

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2023 08:35

If someone says lone parent then to me that means their children don't see their other parent. It's about practical support not financial. Someone would still be a lone parent if they were a millionaire who had won the lottery. It's not about money, it's about not getting any time alone, having to take responsibility for every single decision, having to try and balance so much that it seems impossible, being the only one to get up in the night with sick kids even if you're sick etc.

There isnt a conventional phrase to describe 'lone parent with financial but no practical or emotional support from the other parent' and she shouldn't have to disclose financial information which is none of your business anyway.

It must be shit to have no financial support from the other parent but it's not fair to take it out on your friend

Ghostgirl77 · 12/07/2023 08:36

Lone parent means nobody else parenting i.e. doing all the bedtimes, nappy changes, school runs, meals, doctor’s appointments etc. by yourself. It’s nothing to do with finances.

Equally the person doing the parenting could be financially comfortable with a well paid job or skint and struggling to get by on benefits. If you have different terms for all these people it would get ridiculous.

Lemonyyy · 12/07/2023 08:36

I think your frustration is misguided - it’s your ex that is the issue, not your friend who is (legitimately imo!) calling herself a lone parent! I understand that you must be in a tough spot and feeling really frustrated, and I’m sorry your ex has left you without any support x

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 08:36

You are both lone parents.

ElFupacabra · 12/07/2023 08:36

You’re both single parents. She has a financial contribution from the father of her child. You don’t. It doesn’t matter what is in the bank and playing woe is me and being jealous of your friend isn’t going to change your finances. Are you not claiming cms?

Idrankyourbananamilk · 12/07/2023 08:38

I think I disagree with you on this one. Lone parent is exactly that. No physical input from the other parent. Is there a financial threshold? If a different friend earned twice what your other friend did but had no financial input from the other parent, is she a lone parent despite having more money than the friend who gets maintenance?

The money will certainly help, but the mental load, the sleepless nights and the fear and worry can’t be shared with a loving partner.

In your situation, I’d get angry with your ex. I get that it must be frustrating to see her financially supported when you aren’t but she’s your ally in this situation and not someone to be envious of.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 12/07/2023 08:38

You sound bitter and not a very good friend.

Original poster
butterlo · 12/07/2023 08:38

ok. I’m probably feeling jealous I have no options as entirely skint!

OP posts:
Babsexxx · 12/07/2023 08:39

Ayeeee? Of course she’s a lone parent! Pfffft lol gotta be a joke?!

Scarlettpixie · 12/07/2023 08:40

Well am a single mum who gets no financial support. My son does see his dad once a week (for part of a day). I tend to say single mum rather than lone parent but it’s just semantics. Some people have loads of support from grandparents where as I get none (they are all dead). There are days when I feel very alone.

It is not a competition. We can be single/lone parents with different circumstances. Yabu.

toddlermom99 · 12/07/2023 08:40

She IS lone parenting. He's not parenting in any shape or form. He's literally just sending money, as he should, but not parenting his child. You're BOTH lone parents, as you're both parenting alone.

YeCannaeChangeTheLawsOfPhysics · 12/07/2023 08:40

You are both lone parents but in different financial circumstances

DancingBarefootTonight · 12/07/2023 08:41

You are both lone parents. Money isn’t a second parent.

Maybe just support each other like friends should and stop making it into some competition where you seem to want to lose.

MintJulia · 12/07/2023 08:41

I disagree completely. I am a single mum who gets no practical help from my ex, although he pays. I have no family support.

This means when DS caught swine flu at 2 and was admitted to PICU it was just me. Just me for the following 4 weeks of sleepless nights. Just me sorting work and school. I've done every school run, every pick-up for 10 years. Every parents evening, summer holiday, sick day, sports day carol concert his whole life.

Every GP's appt, dentist run, school shoe shopping trip. All while working full time. The logistics in doing so and keeping my job are mind boggling. Some months I don't get an evening off. During the primary years I'd have maybe 1 or 2 nights out per year.

Rather than being divisive, we are all lone parents and should stick together.

Marblessolveeverything · 12/07/2023 08:41

Lone parent relates to having someone there day to day to share the load. Financial situation is different. What if she earned 100k plus that won't remove her responsibility of being solely responsible.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 12/07/2023 08:42

She is parenting alone, therefore she is a lone parent.

What's with all the competitive underdog threads at the minute?

If someone has their mum help out once a month does that make me more of a lone parent as I have no help at all? If someone is earning less than me does that make them more of a lone parent because I have slightly better finances?

It's shit and difficult doing this alone, instead of supporting each other you're finding ways to be bitter and jealous.

languageat30 · 12/07/2023 08:42

Giving money to the other parent of your child is not parenting so yes, she is a lone parent.