to think my friend isn’t actually a lone parent?!

[butterlo]

My friend describes herself as a lone parent and whilst her dd doesn’t see her dad so obviously she has no practical help, she has hundreds a month from her ex which means she has more flexibility than me… who I consider is a real lone parent. No contact with the father and has never paid a penny! Surely that’s the definition of a lone parent, not someone who has significant financial input for their child?!

Would you not be a lone parent if you were financially independent and didn't have to worry about money OP?

Of course, she's a lone parent, just as you are. Sorry to hear you're not getting any financial help though, that really sucks. The financial input from her ex is bound to make her life a little easier than yours.

Woman I know, had a child using a sperm donation. Because she wanted a child and none of her relationships lasted, and (late 20s!) said her clock was ticking.
She’s a highly privileged woman, has houses (plural) bought for her by her parents, lives off a family trust fund, kid is now in boarding school (at 8 years old!), she’s absolutely awash with cash. Doesn’t work, has never needed to (although she sometimes ‘plays’ at it when bored - her own words).
She’s still a lone parent!

I am not saying it is but her whole complaint is that its not fair her friend gets maintenance and she doesn't. Nowhere at all in the thread has she mentioned even attempting to get maintenance either by private arrangement or CMS. At least putting a claim in gets father into the system should he earn/start earning.

I apologise in advance as I have not RTFT but if your friend knew what you were thinking she might not consider you a friend. I don't think I would. How can one lone parent begrudge another receiving financial assistance of a mere few hundred a month (peanuts).

Her receiving the money is (or should be) the norm. Fathers should give their children financial support as well as all the other support a parent should give a child. It isn't her fault that your kid's father is an arsehole.

I’ve not received a penny in 6 years despite having an cm claim and cms do nothing about it. Not everyone is entitled to maintenance and cms don’t care if they don’t pay.

It's not a race to the bottom. Any parent who has to do it all themselves, regardless of what their income is, is a lone parent. I'm sorry you don't get child support, but saying you're less alone than she is, because her income is higher, isn't true. It's about how much support you have, not how much money you have.

You're a lone parent with less money than her.

I class myself as a coparent, not a lone parent- because we share custody. My day to day is done alone, but it's not everyday. But again- it's not a competition- everyone has their own struggles and I don't focus on comparing to others- doesn't ever help!

Why do you feel the need to compare / make out you have things harder? You’re both lone parents, you’ll both have your own struggles. Bit of a weird thing to get hung up / competitive over.

Of course you are both lone parents - you each have sole responsibility for your child. Money has no bearing. You aren’t better than her for managing on less - it just means your child’s father is a bigger shit than hers.

He’s the one to have an issue with, for not supporting the child he made, not her: she isn’t to blame for your misfortune.

You are BOTH lone parents. She just has more financial support than you, but she's doing all the parenting isn't she!

I agree with the majority in that your friend is, of course, a lone parent still but just one with more money.

I can see your point though. While having money doesn’t negate her status as ‘lone parent’, it likely does give her more options (paid childcare, for example) which in itself can lessen the burden of lone parenthood, even if only temporarily. So, to that end, and as someone who also doesn’t receive any input from my child’s father, I hear you.

Please take no notice of those accusing you of being bitter or jealous; it’s just the usual MN crowd being incapable of answering a question without throwing some mud along the way. That’s very much a them problem.

The real issue here, I believe, is that men are not held to account more stringently to contribute reasonably and proportionately towards the actual cost of raising children. I don’t hold my breath for any tangible changes coming about in this arena though.

Best wishes. Sending solidarity ❤️

This 🙌🏽

Put it this way OP, if you met a man and he said he was co-parenting with his ex, and then said he paid her money but hadn't seen his child in three years, would you think he was in any meaningful way parenting? At all? Would his child think he was being a father?

You're both lone parents, I would say. My DP is a lone parent because his ex, whilst she occasionally sees her child, doesn't carry any of the burden of parenting. She just isn't able to step up if there's any problems at all. Parenting, to me, is about the practicalities and the physical presence, not just throwing money at the problem. The money is better than nothing, but it by no means constitutes parenting.

Bizarre thread. She still does all the parenting alone.

Im sure he was a real catch before he disappeared. Why do women never take any responcibility for their own decisions in breeding with these oxygen thieves.

It makes you the mother of a child with a crap dad who cannot even be bothered to pay towards his child (my dad did the same).

I think you've had enough people say that your friend is also a lone parent. I agree with them. Money or not I can imagine the metal load of not having another parent around is really really difficult. When it is 3am and they won't stop crying and you've no one else to hand the baby over to. Money in the bank won't comfort the baby while you take 10 minutes for yourself.

I do understand why you would feel jealous that 'she has it easier' but I think you have both been left in shite situations by crap fathers.

Don't let your friend see that you think she has is 'easier' she doesn't and it will make you a bad friend.

It's natural to feel deflated when you are struggling and other people around you seem to have it easier.

You need to step out of it because it doesn't help, but it's only human.

Well thats the same for anyone in life... theres mumsnetters on here claiming they can't survive on 75k a year incomes, other than 'money' their circumstances are little different than our but we only make £25k a year.

Do we get a special title to differentiate? how would you differentiate us from someone who make 18k per year and someone who make 30k per year?

Life isn't fair, some people have more money than others but it doesn't change 'facts'.

Fact is regardless of money OP's friend is a lone/single parent. Same way she could get fuck all from her ex and have a job that pays twice as much as OPs and she would still be richer but lone.

I think you're being unreasonable, but I do get annoyed when friends of mine who have shared custody of their children (week on/week off) call themselves lone parents. They are co-parenting and it's completely different to being a lone parent.

Money does not equal another person in the middle of the night, when the kid is sick and so are you. Money doesn’t bring you a cup of tea because you’re exhausted. Money doesn’t go to meetings with teachers about grades or behaviour. Money doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the well-being of you or your child. Your friend is absolutely a lone mother, but she does have more financial support. Yippeekayay for her.

Bitter

Er no. She is a lone parent too. Just because she gets money doesn't take away the fact she has to parent on her own and have no parent/ co parent to emotionally support her parenting.
You sound jealous and unsupportive

Money has blinded so many people in this world. Nothing is really about money, though you need certain amount to make ends meet, but on the whole nothing can compare to the love of mother and a father and siblings and true friends and good church family and so on