to think my friend isn’t actually a lone parent?!

[butterlo]

My friend describes herself as a lone parent and whilst her dd doesn’t see her dad so obviously she has no practical help, she has hundreds a month from her ex which means she has more flexibility than me… who I consider is a real lone parent. No contact with the father and has never paid a penny! Surely that’s the definition of a lone parent, not someone who has significant financial input for their child?!

This thread has made me really sad. Here we have two women nothing doing their best to survive and bring up their kids as well as they can and you've got one who is struggling so much with their circumstances that they're denigrating someone else. That's not how it should work. You should be pulling together. I have lone parented for years and at one point I had an au pair and maintenance. Now I have neither. I was no less a lone parent then than I am now. I still had all the mental load and did everything practically for my kids. But I paid another adult to help. It was still me that had to manage them too, so it was another thing I had to worry about , which you don't have. I wanted my friends to support me at that point. You need to stop seeing the differences and support the similarities or you'll end up very lonely.

It’s not a competition.

I liked the idea of ones you could borrow

It’s not a race to the bottom; or who has it worse. In an ideal situation you both would have support networks. Surley it doesn’t matter who has it worse??

I disagree. By my definition your friend is also a lone parent as are you, the difference being she's receiving some financial support.

I think the majority of people would agree with my definition.
My question would be why do you care so much? If she's constantly complaining about being broke when you have considerably less money than her that's insensitive, but if she sometimes talks about the challenges of being solely responsible for a child and carrying that mental/emotional load, plus of course the practicalities of rarely bring'child free' then I'd say it's probably useful to have a friend who can truly empathise with your own situstion.

Me too! Could do with one on loan now and then!

@mumsnet

Oh come on, most women make an assessment of the man that they allow to impregnate them. Nobody can totally predict things but most can have a pretty good stab at it. Some women choose to get pregnant by unemployed men for example, surely that is setting themselves up for failure.

This is also why other women on mumsnet frequently advise that women need to be married before getting pregnant, not for some nice fancy wedding but for the legally binding financial contract. It doesn't always workout, but it is a hell of a lot more likely too than not having a contract in place at all.

Have you put a claim in with CMS?

The issue is that you receive nothing, not that your friend receives something. That's what you should be raging about.

Concentrate on what you can do to better your own situation rather than tear down someone else's.

Why has my comment been deleted I never swore at someone or name called anyone @mumsnet what is going on? Have you not read some of the other comments but chose to delete mine!?

"I guess I wonder what it makes me then?"

Jealous, and not a true friend.

Or indeed she is potentially part of your support network and you part of hers.

Over the years - as a lone parent - I've sometimes received support from the people I might have been least likely to expect it from. Often complete strangers.

And the reverse - support not forthcoming - in fact the opposite from people i might have expected it from.

Oh come on let's be real people change you know. Let's not stereotype ✋🏾🚫

Of course YABU. You sound jealous of her too actually.

I suggest that you contact CMS then and sort out child maintenance.

Comparison is the thief of joy pet. It would behoove you to just focus on your own situation and stop worrying about what is going on with others. My friends are richer than me, but I don’t me and my DH are any less of a familial unit than them, it’s just different.

I know a single parent who is very ok money wise - she is still a single parent and dad has little ones literally every other weekend. She still feels very much a single parent- just a better off one

I hate gatekeepers of this stuff.

Me and DH split up for a couple of years when my oldest was little. Having a first newborn hit us hard and lack of sleep and stress caused lots of fights. Luckily we ended up getting back together but it took a long time and a lot of work, it was over 3 years before we had any kind of 'romantic' relationship again. People couldn't help but share their unwanted opinions:

I actually dated someone else for 6 months (long distance even, he live 100 miles away) during that time so got 'Your dating so your not single... therefore not a single parent' - well since this guy has fuck all to do with my kid and isn't in any way a father figure... yes I'm still a single PARENT.

Then when I went back to college to study my DH would watch him, 2 hours an evening 3-4 days a week and I got... 'You can't have any contact with the dad and still be classed a single parent'.

Like I did all the parenting work full time by myself for years and then he started having like 8 hours a week alone with his dad... but thats still a single parent.

I can't believe it needs to be said but my sex life is nothing to do with parenting (creepy that people try to link the too) and my DS is ALLOWED his own relationship with his dad.

Like its not a bloody competition to kick each other when we are down, you dont get points for being more 'woah is me' or by attacking other mams.

Who knew it was that easy 🤦🏻‍♀️

Took me 2 years to get them to sort mine out. Thank god I don't need it anymore, stopped when youngest turned 18.

I call myself a lone parent I get mantinace but he never has her I do it alone. My best friend gets one night a week off she's still a lone parents to mee as she does most of it herself

She's a lone parent, there's no physical input from the other parent. She could quite easily earn a six figure salary without any input from the other parent (physical or financial), she'd still be a lone parent, just not struggling for money. You are both lone parents.

You should team up if your both single parents me and my bestie did this obviously living apart but one night a week we join up it stops it being as lonely maybe try this?x doesn't always need to be romantic just creates a support system

I'm with you op, that would be frustrating.

We don't really have the terminology to describe the situations properly, everyone gets lumped in under the 'single parent' category, when there is a world of difference.

It's maddening too when someone claims the same status as you but you know there is a hidden advantage, such as receiving a lot of financial support. So anyone looking at the both of you from the outside would think she's magically doing 'better'.

As others have said though, you can't think about it too much as it will drive you mad, but I don't think that means you can't point it out to her when it's just the both of you talking.

If she's not a lone parent because she has more income than you then people with less income than you would think the same as you.

Her ex should be paying and does which is the legal bare minimum. Be angry at your ex and/or the system that allows him to pay nothing.

Extra money makes things easier but you can't buy emotional support or an upgrade to the dad so he does some actual parenting.