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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to tell the mum from school that her daughter is being bullied because of her tik tok…

187 replies

namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 22:29

DD is in year 6 (she’s 11) she doesn’t have her own tik tok account as I won’t let her have one (tik tok is meant to be for 14+ and I have an account myself and see a lot of things I would rather she didn’t!)

But as is usually the case, most of her friends DO have a tik too account and unrestricted access to it. Now before I get flamed, I understand that the my DD’s friends mum is allowed to have her own tik tok and post whatever she’s likes (she’s late 30’s) but I’m not sure if she knows her daughter has become the subject of ridicule because of it.

The friends mum is posting scantily clad videos, in low cut tops, dancing, sticking her middle finger up, some sort of sexual innuendo jokes- and once a child at school came across her videos, her daughter is now being teased relentlessly and being told how embarrassed they would be if their mums acted this way. My DD is her friend and obviously doesn’t join in with the bullying. She sticks up for her. But I know her friend has not mentioned this to her mum.

Shall I stay out of it or would I be reasonable to tell the mum what I’ve been told? She recently deleted a video about her being friends (on TT not in real life) with Paul breach who is notorious on social media for being a man in his 40’s and being with teen girls (over 16) she deleted the video thankfully but not before one of the year 6’s seen it- they are all ‘following’ her account and saving the videos, sharing it amongst them.

Her account is completely public. Tonight she’s got a video of her in a bikini… what would you do? I’m just thinking if she knew the effect it was having on her DD, she might make it at the very least a private account….?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 22:30

*excuse typos

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 11/07/2023 22:31

OMG, the poor girl!

I honestly think you'd be flogging a dead horse by telling the woman, because she's obviously bonkers and has no idwa how to behave.

However, you've only got a week or so left of year 6 and if you won't see her as much when the girls move to high school, I might tell her myself in order to save her child ongoing stress in secondary.

Guiltypleasures001 · 11/07/2023 22:32

Could yours end her an anonymous letter ?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/07/2023 22:32

Tough one

You could find yourself shot as the messenger

Perhaps the teacher could have a discreet word?

hotinthesunwithcola · 11/07/2023 22:41

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

Winksy · 11/07/2023 22:43

Id say something to the school and let them tell her...regardless of the mums videos someone needs to talk to the kids about the teasing and bullying comments too.

Ilikejamtarts · 11/07/2023 22:45

I think I would speak to the girls teacher or head teacher and inform them of the info your daughter has passed on to you. I think if you bring it up to the mum yourself you may be opening yourself up to some shit.

namechangenacy · 11/07/2023 22:48

Are you close with mum ?

It maybe she posts the videos and hasn't joined up the dots that some of her DD school friends would have found her and be following her due to the age restrictions?

I would flag to the school and if I'm honest have a quite word with mum. This is the first generation which have grown up with the internet and now have kids who are probably better than the adults at the internet so it may not have cross mums mind in a meaningful way.

Madamecastafiore · 11/07/2023 22:49

I'd tell her. I don't see what the big deal is, why is everyone flapping about?

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:50

Part of me thinks, just because shes a mum why does she need to censor herself? After all, the young girls are on the app when they're not old enough and they are then going on to bully a child because of it. They are the ones in the wrong.

What age are your kids meant to be before you do bikini tik toks!? 11, 16, 26!? Im sure your mates would still rip the piss when youre in your twenties wouldn't they!?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2023 22:51

Having a word with the school is a good idea. They can flag it up to the mum.

Wasywasydoodah · 11/07/2023 22:59

I’d also tell the school so they can discuss with her, without your daughter getting any flak for it. These things have a way of biting you on the bum otherwise.

Original poster
namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 23:06

I think her daughter is very considerate of her mother’s feelings, as the mum previously had an eating disorder - this is something she shares publicly on there, and in a way I find it quite admirable that she has overcome that and sharing some body confidence (can’t think of a better term to describe the point I’m probably failing to make) but at the same time, it’s obviously a bit sad that the girl is not saying anything and continuing to suffer because of it.
The class teacher is aware of it- that is according to DD. Although she says her mum has not had contact with the school. Perhaps I should just mention this part to the teacher, it’s unclear what she does or doesn’t know about the extent of this nastiness.
They are pretty much all going to the same secondary school, where I don’t think it’s going to get any easier for the girl!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 23:08

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:50

Part of me thinks, just because shes a mum why does she need to censor herself? After all, the young girls are on the app when they're not old enough and they are then going on to bully a child because of it. They are the ones in the wrong.

What age are your kids meant to be before you do bikini tik toks!? 11, 16, 26!? Im sure your mates would still rip the piss when youre in your twenties wouldn't they!?

One thing I did flag up - and this was in year 5!- with the schools pupil support manager / safeguarding lead, is how many children already had tik tok back then! My daughter was allowed to be part of their WhatsApp group until I realised they were sending and making tik toks and sharing it within the chat. I told the school that so many of them had the app, but unfortunately they said they couldn’t do anything about it, although they did offer an internet safety course for parents.

OP posts:
Manchestermummax3 · 11/07/2023 23:09

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/07/2023 22:32

Tough one

You could find yourself shot as the messenger

Perhaps the teacher could have a discreet word?

Absolutely not. We do not want to be part of that shit show! We've got enough to deal with.
Honestly 🙄

MumblesParty · 11/07/2023 23:10

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:50

Part of me thinks, just because shes a mum why does she need to censor herself? After all, the young girls are on the app when they're not old enough and they are then going on to bully a child because of it. They are the ones in the wrong.

What age are your kids meant to be before you do bikini tik toks!? 11, 16, 26!? Im sure your mates would still rip the piss when youre in your twenties wouldn't they!?

I think that when it comes to your kids being embarrassed and bullied, you have to forget about what you “should” be allowed to do. I could turn up at the school gates in a bunny girl outfit if I wanted to, or dressed as a storm trooper - it’s my right - but I wouldn’t, because it’s not fair on my kids.

SleepPrettyDarling · 11/07/2023 23:13

Presume you have a TikTok account yourself @namechange2024 if you can see the posts? Have you your settings private, and your name anonymised? If yes, (and your settings are watertight), would you consider posting a comment as ‘a mum in your school’ saying what you’ve said here in a very short version?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/07/2023 23:15

@Manchestermummax3

But surely you tell a parent if there's any bullying awkward circumstances notwithstanding?

Piyo · 11/07/2023 23:18

I’d stay well
out of it.

the mum must be deranged to be posting that crap and have not sense of what the repercussions would be for for tween daughter. She sounds nuts.

JudgeRudy · 11/07/2023 23:19

I'd do nothing. She's aware that some people might find her posts unsavoury. She must also know that her daughters friends might see the videos and comment. She doesn't care. Well not enough.
Just be a kind/safe adult if your daughter's friend ever needs you. Of course if she asks you to speak to her mum that's different.

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 23:22

The school need to address the bullying by punishing the girls NOT suggesting the victims mother alter their behaviour to appease them.

Imagine how patronising it would be to be lectured on your social media use by your daughters primary school!?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 11/07/2023 23:26

Imagine how patronising it would be to be lectured on your social media use by your daughters primary school!

I totally get this, but how to stop the bullying if you can't involve the school ?

It's so close to school holidays and school transfer it would be nice for the girl to be able to leave it in the past.

The other thing...her daughter may have told her to no avail?

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 23:34

MumblesParty · 11/07/2023 23:10

I think that when it comes to your kids being embarrassed and bullied, you have to forget about what you “should” be allowed to do. I could turn up at the school gates in a bunny girl outfit if I wanted to, or dressed as a storm trooper - it’s my right - but I wouldn’t, because it’s not fair on my kids.

Show quote history

In your example you are forcing yourself dressed in a silly outfit upon the school environment. No one wants to see it, but you've turned up like that and forced everyone to see you.

However in this case these girls have gone looking for this content in an online environment which they aren't really old enough to explore and used it to bully this girl.

Stichintime · 11/07/2023 23:38

Hasn't there been similar plot in Eastenders the last couple of weeks?

GarlicGrace · 11/07/2023 23:41

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, it always upsets me to hear of a child having to 'parent' their parents. It's unfair, avoidable in most situations, and can leave lasting problems.

On the other, kids will bully any target for the feeblest of reasons. Learning how to weather it and/or deal with it can be very useful. From what you've said, the mum's crime is being silly on the internet, not obscene or dangerous. My siblings & I got bullied because our mum:
a) gave us wholefood lunches when that stuff was only available in specialist shops;
b) has her own sense of style, which was more colourful than the average mum;
c) made up stories & songs as well as telling us the standard ones.

To me, a bikini-dancing mother's in the same area as an artsy mother. I don't think either should be slapped down on account of a bunch of narrow-minded kids. I did pine for a more boring mum at times, though; I'm sympathetic to the daughter! I'm also grateful for the lifelong resilience ... can't the girls enlist Dancing Mum's assistance with comebacks & put-downs?