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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to tell the mum from school that her daughter is being bullied because of her tik tok…

187 replies

namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 22:29

DD is in year 6 (she’s 11) she doesn’t have her own tik tok account as I won’t let her have one (tik tok is meant to be for 14+ and I have an account myself and see a lot of things I would rather she didn’t!)

But as is usually the case, most of her friends DO have a tik too account and unrestricted access to it. Now before I get flamed, I understand that the my DD’s friends mum is allowed to have her own tik tok and post whatever she’s likes (she’s late 30’s) but I’m not sure if she knows her daughter has become the subject of ridicule because of it.

The friends mum is posting scantily clad videos, in low cut tops, dancing, sticking her middle finger up, some sort of sexual innuendo jokes- and once a child at school came across her videos, her daughter is now being teased relentlessly and being told how embarrassed they would be if their mums acted this way. My DD is her friend and obviously doesn’t join in with the bullying. She sticks up for her. But I know her friend has not mentioned this to her mum.

Shall I stay out of it or would I be reasonable to tell the mum what I’ve been told? She recently deleted a video about her being friends (on TT not in real life) with Paul breach who is notorious on social media for being a man in his 40’s and being with teen girls (over 16) she deleted the video thankfully but not before one of the year 6’s seen it- they are all ‘following’ her account and saving the videos, sharing it amongst them.

Her account is completely public. Tonight she’s got a video of her in a bikini… what would you do? I’m just thinking if she knew the effect it was having on her DD, she might make it at the very least a private account….?

OP posts:
MoltenLasagne · 12/07/2023 06:47

Its probably a bit of a cop out, but could you pretend to have got the wrong end of the stick to flag the bullying to the mum?

Tell her that your DD has mentioned that her DD has a tiktok account and that there are bullies at school who have found it and are teasing her about it. Gives you the plausible deniability to make her aware that her DD needs her support

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/07/2023 06:47

Sounds like Clare Surey

yipeeyiyay · 12/07/2023 06:48

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:50

Part of me thinks, just because shes a mum why does she need to censor herself? After all, the young girls are on the app when they're not old enough and they are then going on to bully a child because of it. They are the ones in the wrong.

What age are your kids meant to be before you do bikini tik toks!? 11, 16, 26!? Im sure your mates would still rip the piss when youre in your twenties wouldn't they!?

Regardless of the rights and wrongs, the dd is being bullied. As a mother I would do whatever I could to prevent this not stick to my opinion that I'm not in the wrong so sod it. Poor girl

yipeeyiyay · 12/07/2023 06:50

OP, separately I take it your dd has her own phone? Don't be too convinced of what SM she has or doesn't have. You may have told her no but chances are she'll have accounts already

LivinDaylights · 12/07/2023 06:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2023 22:51

Having a word with the school is a good idea. They can flag it up to the mum.

Have a word with school to flag to the mum? They can have a word with the other parents for allowing their kids on a platform they are too young for and viewing content not age appropriate. What they can't do is tell a nearly 40 year old woman that it isn't acceptable to post videos of herself in a bikini online as some 11 year olds are looking her up! This really isn't a school matter from the point of view of dealing with the mum, what she posts is up to her, she's an adult.

RoseBucket · 12/07/2023 06:53

@namechange2024 oh god, I know a similar mum, she also posted a video of her dusty around the local Spar in a French maids outfit. She is a total narcissist and her kids, two now adults and a third finishing A levels have very little to do with her. She thinks it’s funny and harmless and her kids are just living their lives. She is an awful person.

Overtiredagain · 12/07/2023 06:57

Jesus yes, tell the mother in no uncertain terms. And reach out and help that kid .

Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:57

Do people really think this woman's right to show her body online should come before her daughters mental health? The girl is being bullied and it's a direct result of her mum's actions. If this woman chooses the oogling of strangers as more important than putting a stop to that, then she's a disgrace frankly.

Parisj · 12/07/2023 07:00

I don't think it's totally your responsibility, but I do think this child at least deserves the chance of her mum having the info needed to support her child as a parent. Child is obviously already subtly caretaking mum. So if you think you can tell her, I would. I'd say something like
'I don't have tik tok myself, and I haven't seen what it's about, but I have heard that some of the kids have been looking at your account and showing your dd, thought you ought to know.' And if you get a chance, you or DD could empower and encourage child to talk to another adult or mum about the bullying.

Autoflower · 12/07/2023 07:02

Overtiredagain · 12/07/2023 06:57

Jesus yes, tell the mother in no uncertain terms. And reach out and help that kid .

🔼 This.

Theloosegoose · 12/07/2023 07:06

You should OF COURSE say.

What if something terrible happened because of this? How would you feel? The child needs protection, not the mother. I'd be telling the school then I'd be telling the mother what i''d done and why

Harrysutton · 12/07/2023 07:10

Similar happened to a classmate of ds around theee years ago. The videos got more and more regular and then stopped rapidly when mum was sectioned. It was an awful time for her and the whole family. I’d ask the teacher again to look into the bullying. If anyone should speak to the mum it’s the school.

user1492757084 · 12/07/2023 07:10

All you can really do is to suggest to your own daughter that she and her friends should never be ridiculing or bullying any other child for any reason what so ever.
That the dancing mother is not breaking any laws,though she might be embarrassing, and that the child is not responsible for her mother's films and should not be teased.

Beautiful3 · 12/07/2023 07:16

You could like her video and comment, " hi this is x mum, love your videos". Then she'll realise how everyone can see it. Perhaps she'll change it to private.

OhmygodDont · 12/07/2023 07:18

I’d say something even if you do beat around the bush.

At the end of the day yes the mum can post what she wants but also being a good parent means you wouldn’t actively do something that’s harming your child giving her bullies ammo is harming her child.

The bullies parents also need informing tbh but you’ll likely find a lot of them laughing at “saddo mum” who’s posting the videos in the first place.

Shelby2010 · 12/07/2023 07:20

Talk to both school & mum.

The school need to do something about the bullies. The mum also needs to be aware her child is being bullied - it’s then up to her whether she locks down her account, stops posting videos or just carries on. But at least she has the information to make that decision, she may be unaware that ‘strangers on the internet’ can include kids at the local primary.

ButterCrackers · 12/07/2023 07:24

The mother can do what she wants with her social media as she’s not breaking the law. The school needs to know about the bullying and about the kids inappropriate social media use.

Seashell8 · 12/07/2023 07:34

Is this lady doing the tik toks as her job ? I know of a few who are "trolled" relentlessly and have threads slating them on other websites , but they've given up their jobs to do the tik toks as getting a good income off it (much better than their previous job) so they are kind of trapped to carry on doing it regardless of if their kids being bullied

adviceneeded1990 · 12/07/2023 07:38

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 22:50

Part of me thinks, just because shes a mum why does she need to censor herself? After all, the young girls are on the app when they're not old enough and they are then going on to bully a child because of it. They are the ones in the wrong.

What age are your kids meant to be before you do bikini tik toks!? 11, 16, 26!? Im sure your mates would still rip the piss when youre in your twenties wouldn't they!?

Does anyone at any age need to be doing bikini TikToks? 🙈

adviceneeded1990 · 12/07/2023 07:39

Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:57

Do people really think this woman's right to show her body online should come before her daughters mental health? The girl is being bullied and it's a direct result of her mum's actions. If this woman chooses the oogling of strangers as more important than putting a stop to that, then she's a disgrace frankly.

This!

Messyhair321 · 12/07/2023 07:40

namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 23:06

I think her daughter is very considerate of her mother’s feelings, as the mum previously had an eating disorder - this is something she shares publicly on there, and in a way I find it quite admirable that she has overcome that and sharing some body confidence (can’t think of a better term to describe the point I’m probably failing to make) but at the same time, it’s obviously a bit sad that the girl is not saying anything and continuing to suffer because of it.
The class teacher is aware of it- that is according to DD. Although she says her mum has not had contact with the school. Perhaps I should just mention this part to the teacher, it’s unclear what she does or doesn’t know about the extent of this nastiness.
They are pretty much all going to the same secondary school, where I don’t think it’s going to get any easier for the girl!

Ah this information is key. If she had an ED this explains things.

RosesAndHellebores · 12/07/2023 08:30

The issue is bullying. The school needs to deal with the bullying aspect of this. Report the bullying. Stay silent in relation tobyiur views about the mother/til tok. The school can look that up.

Dear Teacher, x is being bullied by many girls.in the class. I have been told her mother's tik tok videos are a contributing factor. Let the school take it from there and otherwise stay well out of it or your dd will be the next victim.

Jigslaw · 12/07/2023 08:34

Poor child, a lot of parents just think of themselves so even if she knew why I suspect it wouldn't make a difference, she must know there's a possibility she knows people can see it?

MmmALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 12/07/2023 08:39

This wouldn't ever be an issue if EVERYONE taught their kids not to be a bully. If EVERYONE taught their kids compassion/emotional intelligence. Yes, Janice is making a show of herself, literally, but let's not hold Olivia responsible for it. Imagine how many mental health cases wouldn't exist if some weren't bullied relentlessly for years. Imagine someone had found a cure for cancer years ago, because they didn't have the confidence knocked from them at a young age for being a boffin.

Bullying is the issue. Social media is a tumour upon society. Look at me! Look at her! Everything is a scandal for validation, usually at someone elses expense. Not sure what to do, OP. Poor kid.

BeverlyHa · 12/07/2023 08:49

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · Yesterday 22:32
Tough one

You could find yourself shot as the messenger

Perhaps the teacher could have a discreet word?

...............

yes, the teacher or even the head mistresse

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