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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to tell the mum from school that her daughter is being bullied because of her tik tok…

187 replies

namechange2024 · 11/07/2023 22:29

DD is in year 6 (she’s 11) she doesn’t have her own tik tok account as I won’t let her have one (tik tok is meant to be for 14+ and I have an account myself and see a lot of things I would rather she didn’t!)

But as is usually the case, most of her friends DO have a tik too account and unrestricted access to it. Now before I get flamed, I understand that the my DD’s friends mum is allowed to have her own tik tok and post whatever she’s likes (she’s late 30’s) but I’m not sure if she knows her daughter has become the subject of ridicule because of it.

The friends mum is posting scantily clad videos, in low cut tops, dancing, sticking her middle finger up, some sort of sexual innuendo jokes- and once a child at school came across her videos, her daughter is now being teased relentlessly and being told how embarrassed they would be if their mums acted this way. My DD is her friend and obviously doesn’t join in with the bullying. She sticks up for her. But I know her friend has not mentioned this to her mum.

Shall I stay out of it or would I be reasonable to tell the mum what I’ve been told? She recently deleted a video about her being friends (on TT not in real life) with Paul breach who is notorious on social media for being a man in his 40’s and being with teen girls (over 16) she deleted the video thankfully but not before one of the year 6’s seen it- they are all ‘following’ her account and saving the videos, sharing it amongst them.

Her account is completely public. Tonight she’s got a video of her in a bikini… what would you do? I’m just thinking if she knew the effect it was having on her DD, she might make it at the very least a private account….?

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 11:04

Bullies are SHIT.

But Mum ain't helping. In fact from the OP she's the catalyst.

Personally I'd do anything to mitigate my kids being bullied.

Chapter and verse on 'bullying in society' doesn't really help an 11 year old at the sharp end of it.

GrinAndVomit · 12/07/2023 11:32

Manchestermummax3 · 11/07/2023 23:09

Absolutely not. We do not want to be part of that shit show! We've got enough to deal with.
Honestly 🙄

Show quote history

Teachers have too much to deal with to bother tackling bullying issues?
Terrible attitude

tunbridgeoutrage · 12/07/2023 11:56

OP, the way that you have framed your question has invited misogynistic responses. I don’t know if it was your intention to blame
the bullying on the mother’s behaviour but this is how it has been interpreted by many posters.

it is almost as though the thread Is a criticism of her behaviour rather than of the bullies. Was this your intention?

Bumblepig · 12/07/2023 11:59

I think I would mention it to the school and ask them to approach the parent.

ManateeFair · 12/07/2023 12:02

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 23:22

The school need to address the bullying by punishing the girls NOT suggesting the victims mother alter their behaviour to appease them.

Imagine how patronising it would be to be lectured on your social media use by your daughters primary school!?

I agree that the school should absolutely not suggest the mother alter her behaviour - the issue here is underage kids having TikTok accounts and children bullying each other. It's the other parents and the bullies that are in the wrong, not the mum of the victim. The most important thing, as you say, is that the school nips the bullying in the bud. Bullying is unacceptable, full stop.

However - while I don't think the mother should get a lecture, I do think she should be informed that her child is being bullied and that her TikTok account has been one of the things the bullies have picked up on. Not to suggest that she stops it, but just so she can at least make an informed decision about her content. At this point, she doesn't know her child is being bullied at all, and she probably doesn't know she's being followed by young kids either, so she's posting her content without that knowledge. She shouldn't be told what to post or not post on TikTok, but she should be made aware of the situation so she can decide for herself what she wants to do. Knowledge is power in this case.

FWIW, I used to share my own horror fiction online, and despite having an age lock on my account for the site I used to share it, it became apparent that some younger kids were accessing it. I was glad to be made aware of that, because it meant I could make an informed choice about what I was sharing. As it wasn't sexually explicit or anything, I decided it wasn't my problem if people's ten-year-olds were having nightmares as a result of reading my stuff and I just cracked on with it. But I did disable comments/messages because I didn't want to find myself unwittingly chatting away about death and murder with someone who was actually a child.

moodypromises · 12/07/2023 12:40

Whatiswrongwithm · 12/07/2023 01:14

Also you can see who has looked at your profile on TikTok. She probably knows you and the kids have been watching.

Not true. If you have over a certain amount of followers.. I have 20k + and since 10k I couldn't see who viewed my profile anymore

kitsuneghost · 12/07/2023 12:46

Manchestermummax3 · 11/07/2023 23:09

Absolutely not. We do not want to be part of that shit show! We've got enough to deal with.
Honestly 🙄

Show quote history

Even if it means a child in your class continues to be bullied and the whole year group is watching inappropriate videos of her mum?

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 13:10

Poor kid.

I wonder what she thinks of it all.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/07/2023 13:24

Honestly, just tell the Mum that the kids are taking the piss out of her. So what if she is annoyed for a bit. Better that than her child being shamed on a daily basis.

tunbridgeoutrage · 12/07/2023 14:05

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/07/2023 13:24

Honestly, just tell the Mum that the kids are taking the piss out of her. So what if she is annoyed for a bit. Better that than her child being shamed on a daily basis.

And what will the bullies find to tease her about next? The mother's fashion choices? The way dm does her hair? The fact that she has long nails? If they tease the daughter for having, say, a big nose does she have to have rhinoplasty to make them happy?

What you're really saying is that the kids are justified in their attitude and that the problem lies with the mother.

What is left of us if we capitulate to bullies?

They should not be bullying the girl for any reason whatsoever.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 14:10

What you're really saying is that the kids are justified in their attitude and that the problem lies with the mother.

Don't think so.

The bullies are shit and the bullying needs to be dealt with.

But you can't alter the fact that mother's public behaviour has become the focus.
Most parents would be mindful of that.

Mother has every right to do what she wants of course. But it doesn't necessarily put her child first.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 14:18

What is left of us if we capitulate to bullies?

Like I said this is very 'bullies in society' rather than how to specifically make life easier for an actual 11 yr old.

My child doesn't let me drop them near the bus stop for fear of embarrassment. I can only imagine what this kid feels.

Oh And I go along with the bus stop thing, silly as it is and even though it's totally my right to park nearby.

Mum1976Mum · 12/07/2023 15:46

Manchestermummax3 · 11/07/2023 23:09

Absolutely not. We do not want to be part of that shit show! We've got enough to deal with.
Honestly 🙄

Show quote history

Actually, as an ex teacher I would very happily have a word with mum and tell her what was going on because of her Tik Tok content. What a stupid woman.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:21

The school needs to address the question of kids having access to Tiktok, as a matter of urgency.

The bullying victim's mother is patently not the only adult behaving badly here wrt social media.

It is very likely that someone's parent or older sibling first alerted a child in the victim's class to the antics of the mother.

Parents should not allow underage children to access sites with an age barrier. These parents have dropped the ball.

The school also needs to address the bullying. As other posters have said, bullying is the real problem here, and if these kids will pick on someone for one thing they will find another to torment her about if that one thing gets sorted.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:26

Meeting · 12/07/2023 09:02

She absolutely is the problem. She's the reason her daughter is being bullied.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we lived in a perfect world where bullying didn't exist. Well the reality is that it does and probably always will.

Show quote history

I disagree. There's a difference between correlation and causation.

The reason for the bullying is that at least one person in this child's class has a mean streak and is not afraid to exercise it, and she is influential enough among her peers to prevent them from having a word with her, or perhaps she has gathered a little clique around her and they're all following her lead.

Dacadactyl · 12/07/2023 16:38

mathanxiety · 12/07/2023 16:21

The school needs to address the question of kids having access to Tiktok, as a matter of urgency.

The bullying victim's mother is patently not the only adult behaving badly here wrt social media.

It is very likely that someone's parent or older sibling first alerted a child in the victim's class to the antics of the mother.

Parents should not allow underage children to access sites with an age barrier. These parents have dropped the ball.

The school also needs to address the bullying. As other posters have said, bullying is the real problem here, and if these kids will pick on someone for one thing they will find another to torment her about if that one thing gets sorted.

The school can't urgently address the issue of small children having access to tiktok, because there are some SHOCKINGLY bad parents who are allowing primary age children to have the app.

The tiktok is not a school issue, but a parenting issue.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 12/07/2023 20:01

Parents should not allow underage children to access sites with an age barrier. These parents have dropped the ball.

Would love to know how you’d fix this.

The parents haven’t ‘dropped the ball’. The parents have willingly put the ball down. As zillions all over the world do.

GarlicGrace · 12/07/2023 20:17

Meeting · 12/07/2023 09:02

She absolutely is the problem. She's the reason her daughter is being bullied.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we lived in a perfect world where bullying didn't exist. Well the reality is that it does and probably always will.

Show quote history

I really disagree with this. School children should not be forcing adults to conform to their ideas of an acceptable parent, and parents shouldn't be implicitly condoning the bullies by criticising the mum's unconventional hobby.

OP says the woman's dancing in a bikini. Replies frothing about "showing her body" and kids "seeing her in a bikini" have completely missed the point, imo. I dread to think what you all do when you're at a beach with DC!

Maybe she looks a bit daft in her videos, maybe she's among the best of the thousands of women dancing in bikinis on TikTok. It doesn't matter. We shouldn't be encouraging child bullies to control the woman.

Jammything8 · 12/07/2023 20:21

Hufflemuff · 11/07/2023 23:22

The school need to address the bullying by punishing the girls NOT suggesting the victims mother alter their behaviour to appease them.

Imagine how patronising it would be to be lectured on your social media use by your daughters primary school!?

The issue comes hand in hand. I would personally txt the mother even if I had to buy another sim card. I would report it to the school... either way you would want to know the cause of the bullying it doesn't make it right but the school would have to explain so there isn't a way round it without speaking with the mother.

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 20:44

I really disagree with this. School children should not be forcing adults to conform to their ideas of an acceptable parent, and parents shouldn't be implicitly condoning the bullies by criticising the mum's unconventional hobby.

God alive. It's not about criticising^^ the mum's hobby. Who cares. It's about keeping her up to speed about the situation.

Does she even know what's happening with her tiktok's as the catalyst.

But actually tbh when I've seen vids of Brittany I've thought "her poor lads".

tunbridgeoutrage · 12/07/2023 20:50

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 14:10

What you're really saying is that the kids are justified in their attitude and that the problem lies with the mother.

Don't think so.

The bullies are shit and the bullying needs to be dealt with.

But you can't alter the fact that mother's public behaviour has become the focus.
Most parents would be mindful of that.

Mother has every right to do what she wants of course. But it doesn't necessarily put her child first.

What if they were bullying the girl because her mother was very fat? Would you say mum's eating habits were making her dd the target of bullies?

sunglassesonthetable · 12/07/2023 21:08

What if they were bullying the girl because her mother was very fat? Would you say mum's eating habits were making her dd the target of bullies?

I'm saying her tiktok behaviour is different from being fat. There is a choice element in this.

I think the core principle here is that the bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with.
Totally agree with that.

But I don't think it's very sensitive of this child's mum.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/07/2023 21:52

A lot of parents don’t realise that kids mock parents social media antics. I didn’t until my DD drew my attention to this so telling the mum without judgement is a good idea. It’s then up to her what she does with the information.

mathanxiety · 13/07/2023 01:11

Dacadactyl · 12/07/2023 16:38

The school can't urgently address the issue of small children having access to tiktok, because there are some SHOCKINGLY bad parents who are allowing primary age children to have the app.

The tiktok is not a school issue, but a parenting issue.

Show quote history

There is a huge overlap between school and home, and the school need to be made aware that:

Children of 11 have apparently unfiltered access to Tiktok,

and

Are bullying a child using what they see on Tiktok as a handy stick to beat her with.

The two problems are closely related. These children are clearly not mature enough to have access to Tiktok, and this would be an ideal teaching opportunity for the school on the dangers of leaving a SM footprint, the dangers of using SM that is intended for older people, and of course the complete unacceptability of bullying.

H007 · 13/07/2023 17:51

I posted YABU mainly because the bullying isn’t occurring because of whatever the child’s mum is or isn’t doing. The bullying is occurring because the children who are bully’s are the problem, they need to be dealt with and spoken with. I’d inform the school.

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