To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I hear ya.... Good luck! Would love to hear how you get on.... it's so hard.

Have you looked into pda? And had her assessed for adhd too?

Are screens her safe activity to help her regulate? (They are for a lot of asd children)

It's gonna be strict authoritarian parenting with her from now on.

@Folioh

She's not ADHD.

She may be PDA.

But...I'm fucking done with this.

It’ll be really interesting to see what the outcome is of this change. You should keep us in the loop.

Could restbite be arranged? I’m pretty sure any autistic adult will say struck parenting did not help them as a kid.

No autistic child had screens when I was a child. She'll live. She won't like it but I AM DONE!

I mean I get it I have a severely autistic 13 year old who's extremely challenging and non verbal.but realistically what do.you mean you are done?

We had a big set to a while back. I brought in a shed load of new rules.

Can I ask a question though, are the big meltdowns on transition, after school etc? What's the school setting like?

@Weregoingthroughchanges

I know that. It's happening anyway. I've tried everything else in 11 years.

She can be miserable. She can hate me.

It's time for the rest of us to live.

There are 3 of us. 3 can be happy while 1 is not. Right now 4 are miserable.

The needs of the many are coming first.

Its really not that easy.

@jeaux90

We're on school holidays. Yesterday's meltdown was because she didn't like the consequence of behaviour. Selfishness personified.

Rude

I totally understand your frustration but I really would not go down your route. Other poster before was right that screens really help ASD kids self-regulate. Make your life easy, make no demands upon your child (as other poster said, may be PDA), let them watch as much screen as they need to and see if things calm down over time as a result of this. I can pretty much 100 percent guarantee that a strict authoritarian approach will have no effect, will make life incredibly hard for you and will destroy any relationship you have with your child. Don't do it to yourself.

This is a fundamental lack of understanding of autism though. Therefore will simply exacerbate the situation.

As a family that sounds really hard.

For DD with ASD! (and the rest of you) , shit is about to hit the fan as ASD signs/symptoms get a lot worse during the onset of puberty and starting secondary school, settling down again by year 11 although I'm sure that seems an impossibly far off date to you.

What resources are available / can you pay for? Is a residential school an option, during the week or just school holidays - some children thrive there.

Does your younger child go to Young Carers for some respite?

Do you all get some time away to manage your own MH like DH does with a dog walk? Ensure you do too.

I can see where you're coming from. With people in my family diagnosed with Autism it can be very challenging. But it sounds like there's something more to this? like you're on the edge of a breakdown or meltdown yourself? As hard as it is, and I KNOW it is, you can't just give up on your daughter. At the age of just 11, she needs you.

Thats understandable.

I get it op, I really do. Constant placating/'giving in' for an easier life and my dc is younger than yours.

Plus, the world doesn't accomodate for every single need of autistic people and nor should it. I say this as someone with extensive knowledge of autism/neurodiversity in my family before someone decides to say they're autistic and it isn't fair! In my experience, the needs of neurodiverse people often come before that of their siblings (for what it's worth, I was/am the neurodiverse one) and anyone else in the house.

@x2boys

I mean:

She remains in her own room when we are at home. No more of DD2 sobbing in hers whilst DD1 rampages around kicking, hitting and biting DH and I. The house is ours. We will use it.

She eats first by herself before we have our family meal.

No screens. That's a privilege she doesn't get.

No extra effort expended for her. She wanted to get every single Cub Scout badge and I made that happen. No more.

I completely sympathize you you having reached the end of your tether.
But your dd is going to have autism regardless of the house rules and it is going to be hard for you all.
What changes are you going make and how do you see them helping?
How can you parent the meltdowns so they cause less chaos in the family?
I don't disagree that a family needs to work for everyone but it can be hard as a parent to be happier than your most miserable child.

Or not placating/ not giving in and getting multiple daily meltdowns. Or tantrums. It's literally impossible to tell the difference sometimes.

Low demand parenting is your friend. i have multiple ND children. You're trying to fight a losing battle - you won't win it and you'll be more miserable. Believe me i tried a battle with a then 13yr old autistic girl who id pushed every button of and then tried to parent as though they were NT and i lost - i ended up needing hospital treatment twice. I urge you to look at Dr Naomi Fisher.