To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

If screen time keeps her calm then I’d say just let her have more screen time. Anything that brings the calmness to the home that you all need. The usual tactics for NT behaviour issues don’t work as the root cause isn’t the same , it’s more instinct that motivation she may feel something and react uncontrollably rather than be trying to manipulate you .

I can see how people get to his and get fed up of kowtowing to the needs of one person in a household. My sister had ASD and as a child I had enough of being booted, spat at and listening to her constant demands. My mum had enough too and took a similar stance. Luckily she was able to adjust eventually after stress and tantrums and it did get better. My mums view was that if we don't teach her that she can't do this at home, she won't survive in the real world. There are ways I'm sure OP but the action has to be right for he child, you don't want the situation to be made worse.

It's intolerable now. It literally cannot get any worse.

I've had a breakdown over this before.

This time it's not happening.

This decision makes me feel stronger. I am in charge of this house with DH.

No more.

Do you think you can army sergeant the autism out of her?

Have you considered that you might be autistic too and that is why you're struggling to cope? I ask because both my children are autistic and I was only diagnosed myself 2 years ago but now it makes so much sense.

My eldest DD sounds very much like yours.

What strategies do you use at home?
Strict discipline can make things much worse. If you haven’t already heard of him, Ross Greene has a low arousal/negotiation approach which works well. The Explosive Child is the first book, but I found Lost in School very helpful as well.

Unfortunately giving up is not likely to make any of your lives easier.
Just being at school, no matter what strategies are put in place, can be difficult.
Do you use any sensory activities after school? Do she have predictable space, time out, mealtimes etc?
Screens can be a godsend (I’m autistic, I can’t tell you how much I use screen time to wind down, I don’t know how I’d cop if someone took that away from me!)

Respite can be hard to find, but do you have parents or relatives who might take her occasionally? Or take your other dc so they get a break? Young Carers for your other dc could help them.

She isn't calm with screen time though. The swearing and kicking her sister happened when they were watching a screen.

This sounds more like you want to punish her than you want to make the rest of the family happy though. If you've decided to put everyone else first wouldn't unlimited screens make more sense than no screens? That would be the "no extra effort expended for her" route.

It's sort of what a friend of mine ended up doing. Zero support, single parent, she just completely gave up on any rules. Her child is often up all night on the internet, eats whenever he feels like it (and mostly sweets and crisps) and doesn't go to school. That is what no extra effort looks like - you seem to be coming from a much more punitive place.

So your solution is to treat your disabled daughter as a second class citizen in her own home? I don’t disagree things need to change and you need more support but your intended
methods reek of ableism.

I've read Naomi Fisher. I've read Ross Greene.

We have done EVERYTHING. I promise you.

I am DONE.

Could you afford private residential support for her?

@stargirl1701 I think you need some help and support. Are there any family or friends that can take your DD in for a while, even a long weekend just to ease the pressure off of you? I do feel for you and your family and the situation.

I.get it I really do.its shit at times and school.holidays make things ten times harder time
But do you think.she gas control.over her actions ?
Obviously I realise autism is a huge spectrum ,and depending bon the individual and how their autism manifests itself its not always their fault
I mean its shit for the families though

‘For DD with ASD! (and the rest of you) , shit is about to hit the fan as ASD signs/symptoms get a lot worse during the onset of puberty and starting secondary school, settling down again by year 11 ‘

Absolute bullshit. Children with ASD do not all develop at the same pace.
FWIW my child gradually improved from a low point in y3 then exploded again in y11.
It depends on many external factors like the pressures on them as well as their own development which is variable in any case.

She shares screen time?
She needs her own space, sharing and being in close proximity is probably hell for her.

It is ableism. But...I am done accommodating this when nothing works. Nothing. No strategy ever works. The meltdowns just keep coming. The violence just keeps coming.

Authoritarian parenting is punitive. That's why it's not advised. But, it is the ONLY thing we have not tried.

I have autism. I was only diagnosed recently as an adult. As a child I was diagnosed with adhd and some other hyperactivity disorder. Autism wasn't widely diagnosed especially in girls.

My mum wasn't necessarily authoritarian but she was pretty strict. And I'd actually say it dud me good. I was very entitled and selfish because I couldn't see anything from anybody else's point of view. I just couldn't. I'm much better at that now I'm older. I was also happy to 'tantrum' for hours. I now know these were meltdowns but contect is this was years ago. Anyway, each fit I pitched was a battle ground and I can absolutely say that if I'd been allowed to 'win' I'd have resorted to that behavior a lot more and first and foremost, I was motives entirely by getting what I wanted and in the fastest way possible.
I think if you are truly feeling that there's an imbalance and one person is coming before the others in the family then you do need to make changes. It will also help her prepare for the adult world, I have a relative who is asd and was humoured and given in to constantly through their childhood and they are absolutely incapable of existing in the real world now as an adult. Its very sad and entirely the parents fault as this relative is high functioning and can be very charming and funny. They just simply lack any coping skills or understanding of boundaries as they are so used to the world revolving around them and their needs.

I’m really sorry you’re so low and so angry.

I get it - I have an autistic 11yo girl too. Very demand avoidant. I really REALLY get it.

But your approach isn’t going to work. I think you know that. By all means vent and rant here, it’s OK to be angry and there are lots of us who will listen.

But traditional discipline doesn’t work on these kids. I wish it did. I wish I could take my daughter’s screen away without the mother of all meltdowns, but I can’t. I wish she would have a shower in the evening without pissing around for 45 minutes first, but she won’t. I wish she would go to bed before 10pm without fucking about doing stupid pointless avoidance tasks, but she won’t.

Have you read The Explosive Child? It’s on my to-do list 🤪

No there is no-one. PILs used to take her but they are DONE. DD2 is going to them by herself this summer.

Everyone is DONE.

Can you tell us what strategies you’re using?
What do you do after school?

I'm the parent to a severely autistic young person and I absolutely understand. I had no other kids to think about.

I even contemplated suicide it was that bad.

In the end my physical health collapsed and he went to a family member followed by residential care.

I really hope you find a solution that works.

I get it, OP. It's not the done thing to say any of this, but no one ever mentions how it impacts on the parents or siblings. It's all about 'autism is a super power'. GAH!

@IAmSalmaFuckingHayek

So she gets the entire family room to herself? No. We are DONE.