To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

What strategies did you have in place to keep them apart?
Did she have warning that her sibling was coming home so x activity (eg on screen up in room) will start then?

I know how you feel, honestly, but it’s difficult to know what you’re doing to help her not feel so crap all the time.

I literally spoke to Social Services YESTERDAY!!! They were here for an hour in our house.

They have no answers either.

Parent of an autistic boy here - I get the environment you are living in - the younger sibling being the punchbag for the older one - You need intervention - it will only get worse I am afraid.
I would never leave my DS alone together - it's hard. Your life is not your own, but i think/can see that you are at breaking point. I had a social services involvement to help us ALL - it did not get better overnight - it too work, patience and understanding. There is a some jealousy from the elder towards the younger on how they are both treated - autism is a disability.
Can a suggest an alternative punishment to taking away screen time - it's the only thing which would calm my DS.
Instead of punishments - reward better. behaviour.
Your PIL choosing the 'good child' over the other will only make things worse - but will give your DS2 some respite from the chaos.

You need more support - I get you are done - it's so difficult and alienating.

I'm not flaming well locking her in. We do not have bloody locks on internal doors. That would be ridiculous and a fire hazard.

How on earth are you going to keep her in her room then? What is going to stop her leaving the room to get at her sister?

That's a huge disappointment and a let down for you and your family. I'm so sorry OP.

OP this sounds so very, very hard for all of you.

I sympathise with you and respect your decision.

Withdraw from efforts to align her with NT behaviour. If 16 hours a day on screens keeps her quiet, let her have it. If she'll only eat toast and butter, let her eat it, with supplements in her water. If she'll only wear PJs with bare feet, she wears PJs with bare feet. Let people stare.

My autistic DS ate the same food every day for eight years. Then got bored and started trying new stuff. People thought I was a shit mum. They didn't have autistic children. I learned not to care.

You're doing the right thing. I'm so sorry.

I get it OP, I really do. Youngest here is 5 and it's already SO hard. DH talks regularly about putting them into care and about 3 other people's lives being ruined. BUT it's not realistic. I'm not sure of you and my DH could really just wash hands of DC? My DCs needs are incredibly complex, there will be no scouts here. Just trying to plan for the long term future, which WILL be residential care. But that's a way off yet.

Please speak to your social worker, child's school and GP. While I do genuinely understand your feelings (and no judgement) I do think doing what you propose will actually make your lives harder.

Lots of love to you. People with NT kids cannot understand.

I am glad you said it before me 😆that's just one misuse of words that I cannot stand and I see it so often! I am a therapist, so this comes up a lot and the number of other therapists who type 'restbite' or even 'Rest Byte' is astounding!

Anyway, I am off topic.

OP, I don't blame you. I don't have experience of parenting a child with Autism, but I have had enough bad experiences with it with adults and children I have taken care of in varying capacities that I believe I have a bit of empathy with you. Your situation sounds so painful and horrible to endure for all of you. I hope your plan works out for the better-what you've been doing so far has not worked, so something needs to change doesn't it. I wish you all the best.

Let’s be totally honest… you clearly care for your child as you wouldn’t have fought so hard up until now. I can’t see you being happy while she’s being treated this way in her own home. You need more support and I know there’s no magic money tree to fund things or even so called specialist staff who understand. I KNOW (more than you can realise) how awful the system is but you can’t take this route. Fight OP. Keep fighting. Don’t give up.

I think the tent idea is brilliant. Try a blackout one. That is if she doesn't trash it to high heaven. Might be worth a try though? To block out sensory input and for her own area to decompress. Might actually get ours out again and take my own advice, for my dc not me to lounge in, I promise ;)

I'm currently sitting in the family room watching Wimbledon. DD2 is completing some activity sheets she picked up at the library this morning.

DD1 is up in her room playing with her Snap Circuits toy.

I will call DD1 for a snack at 2.45pm. DD2 will have her snack at 3pm.

She's not the one you're talking about neglecting and abandoning.

And I think it's a hard truth for many to face that a NT sibling is often pushed far to the bottom of priorities when so much time is taken up by a ND child. There's no easy solution to that problem because what else can you do? But it must be shit growing up with a violent sibling who requires so much of your parents' attention, so I absolutely feel and understand your worry for your other daughter, whose life must be very difficult too. You just sound absolutely burned out and exhausted and heartbroken by it all, and I don't really have any other suggestions than to say it's fucking shit and I understand you and I hope that whatever you do next can result in some respite and relief for your family in some way.

Have y

Sending love OP. I'm the single parent of an autistic girl. And yes it destroys you. There isn't any help available. I'm not sure if there ever was but there certainly isn't now. CAMHS have effectively collapsed. Child social services were more interested in getting me to fill out forms (which I can already effing do) than in DD.

Parents of SEN kids need real, practical hands-on help and respite. We don't get it.

Your daughter is approaching puberty if she's not already going through it. ASD gets worse. Our son, who has complex developmental needs, including ASD, was seeing a therapist who described it as normal teen hormones multiplied by at least 100. When I was on my last nerve with my son, she said "imagine how hard it is for you, it's a million times harder for him". He doesn't understand why he feels the way he does and reacts with extreme rage (punching, kicking, biting, destructive behaviour). One year on from his most extreme behaviour, life is calmer. His room has been converted into a Safe Space (Google it, they're amazing). He was recently diagnosed with ADHD (after years of me telling every health professional we came into contact with that I was sure he had it) and is now on medication which has changed our lives, especially his. He goes to respite and my other son and I always make sure we make the most of it. Life is calmer and we are all happier. Reach out for help. Tell Social Work you're contemplating handing your daughter over into their care if you don't get some help. Your authoritarian approach won't work. On the contrary, it will seriously damage your daughter. Good luck.

"She thinks of no-one but herself"

That's the thing we have a different type of brain, I love my family and friends but there are times I really can't see oustisde the box if my own self.

Whatever you do now and it seems you've made a plan, just be thankful that when she's an adult she'll probably go noncobtact and want nothing to do with you. Then peace will reign.

Enjoy being happy.

Op
your angry now ,and needing to vent ,and that’s ok ..
but maybe when your calm ,have another read through this thread ,with a pen and paper and make yourself a list of things you could do ,
there’s lots of good advice on here ..
good luck op x

@SoWhatEh

That's all as standard.

She wears what she pleases.

She eats what she pleases.

I do not give a shit what any random person would think.

These are not issues. These haven't been issues she since could talk and express an opinion about what she wants to eat or wear.

I knew someone who put her own daughter into care, into a children’s home.

With hindsight, I would bet money that both of them were autistic.

It’s very hard when two neurodivergent people trigger each other and neither have the coping skills to deal with it. It’s either fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

I feel like both you and your daughter are stuck in fight mode, OP.

I get it OP, you're at the end of your tether and then some;I've been there for the best part of twenty years.

Services are letting your family down. I'm sorry. I understand you're at your wits end but what you're suggesting is abusive and neglectful. Do you think these punishments (putting in room, removing social interaction (love hopefully) and material things are actually going to make a difference? She's not going to become less autistic.

I think you need to take a big breath and reframe how you see your dc. She is extremely overwhelm without the strategies to know how to cope.
What are her strengths? What things do you enjoy doin together?
Your dh needs to stop walking the dog so much or take a dc with him so yous can have 1:1 time with dc.

We have a tent. She also has a bed tent. We are in a five bedroom house. There are no shortages of places to go.