To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I can see some down time might help but at some point a dc is going to need family contact

Can’t see that, but if you want to go online and pick at peoples spelling go right ahead! Looks like an autocorrection fail rather than a spelling error however.

Well you sound nothing like my siblings.

Also, most people I know who boast about how they have a "low tolerance for idiots" are themselves idiots, but they're so narrow-minded they can't even conceive of the idea that they might be the idiotic ones.

@StefanosHill

And, my plan to 'parallel' her play detailed earlier?

You’re done with autism.

Autism, I suspect, is not quite done with you.

I’m sorry, @stargirl1701— best of luck.

@DreamTheMoors

I think you are bloody well right. I'm fucked.

I thought it was quite clear that the earlier posts were those of a mother at the end of her tether?

The thread has moved on significantly since then.

OK longtime "lutker".

For some. It's a spectrum.

You don't know your own child well enough to know whether making them eat separately is better or worse for them. You're angry she isn't compliant with what you want. ;Nor does the professional you spoke to know what is best. I had one asking me (after diagnosis) if I was sure my DD had autism because it was normally only boys.

You are the parent. If nothing you do works then let someone else look after her. She's a human being and deserves care. Leaving the thread because it's too upsetting. Wish you daughter all the best.

Lol at all the posters insinuating you should just give her up to the care system for I guess a Miss Honey figure to come along and be a Better Mummy. I think they need to speak to some "care" experienced children (they don't even call them 'looked after children' in some places anymore as so few of the young people felt anything like looked after).

OP, I totally hear you. I have 2 high needs autistic DC and it is utterly relentless: violence, destruction, the danger they put themselves in, the lack of sleep, constant self harm.

I just don't think authoritarian parenting will work and do think it will make things a battle of wills and so much worse. However, having not found any solutions myself, I have no advice to offer.

@stargirl1701 I hope they can help, there's a huge gap for people with ASD but no learning disability.

I'm an RNLD, we would have picked this up and supported with our intensive support team. It needs to be referred to a tier 3 service aimed at preventing the home breaking down/risk of hospital admission etc.

I'm sorry, you have nearly 200 posts and I have read most of them but clearly not all.

Good luck.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling so much. I say this with an autistic child of my own and a background in autistic child development, but What you’ve outlined here will backfire. You are segregating her from the family unit. She will suffer as a direct result of making her eat alone/stay in her room alone for extended periods and removal of her screen time permanently. You need help. Where in the country are you? Different areas have different help available. It’s not ever easy to find, but it is there. Don’t give up on her, she needs you to accept this is a part of who she is and it won’t always be as tough as this.

There's a difference between allowing a child to eat alone if this is their preference and requiring a child to eat alone, while the rest of the family eats together.

Particularly when they are also not allowed to use communal areas of the house to socialise and relax.

She is developing a self-image based on these experiences.

@Aaaaandbreathe

After 11 years on Earth, no-one knows her better. I promise you that.

Have a lovely evening.

Have hope, @stargirl1701

You’ve gotta have hope. ❤️

Good for you!

@Stompythedinosaur

And DD2 is shaking with terror and at risk of developing PTSD.

Which child do I choose?

Your love for both of your daughters shines through to me, I hope that you find the way forward that brings you what you want and need (for all of you). I’m sorry things are so difficult. I have no useful advice but can tell how hard you and your DH have worked to get this right x

Have you looked at Enquire’s website and spoken to them? They can help with how to secure additional support and specialist school, including residential, if that’s what you want/need and advice on appealing to the Tribunal if necessary.

Haha that’s not a spelling mistake that’s my name FOOL

@Relaxinghammock

Yes. I think I will phone them again regards a CSP.

No, she didn't. My mum also wasn't an autistic 11 year old, so the comparison isn't valid.

I, on the other hand, was an undiagnosed autistic early teen. To my eternal shame, I hit her on several subsequent occasions, because I had learned from hitting her the first time I could use force to stop her from doing or saying things I didn't like, and she and dad had already shown me that hitting people is OK to make them behave in the way that you want. Luckily, I realised during my CAMHS sessions that what I was doing was wrong.

The point that you are (deliberately?) missing is that when a parent shows their child that violence is an acceptable conflict resolution technique, the child will learn that lesson. At this time, DD1 has not been taught that lesson. DD1 is hitting for reasons that are not necessarily as obvious as "trying to get her own way" but not because she has been taught to.

@Ctu24agent

It's always been hard. Sometimes intolerably so but always. From the very first day.

1000. Thank you all.