To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

I worked with individuals with autism (most non verbal) for years. I had quite a lot of training but I am in no way an expert. Screen time was always a reward so I'm surprised to hear people say different. I suppose what works at home doesn't always work in a residential setting when you have to keep 10+ residents safe.

I'm not sure what will work best for your family OP but it is obvious that the current set up isn't working. You all have the right to be safe in your own home. Have you looked into ABA? https://www.autismspeaks.org/applied-behavior-analysis

I feel like crying for your daughter

It's sooooo not about anything except survival.

We need to survive.

I often cry about all of us. Often. Daily in fact.

Reading with interest as my 10 year old autistic child is the same, pulls my hair, bites, attacks me.
I've tried taking away screens but it causes more meltdowns and more physical aggression towards me.
Anything can be a trigger - me being downstairs whilst he was shouting me to come upstairs to get him a pencil and me not coming quickly enough was one example yesterday 😕 .

Have you and DH got the means to buy or rent a small nearby flat/residential caravan and move in to it with one of the DDs? As a family you can still do things together and eat meals together but then go your separate ways to get space with the parent swapping regularly which child they stay with.

My parents had to do this for a couple of years when I was a teen as my DDad had poor mental health, they didn't want to split up but did need the space whilst he got sorted.

I appreciate it costs £££ but may be a method you've not thought of

did you feel a bit better about her during the time she was off school or was it pretty much as bad as it is now? if you can inch of better feeling towards her then it might be worth thinking about doing again, just for your own sanity? is there any way you can separate her from your daughter when she gets home from school - eg letting her watch her screen on her own in her room and take up food to her room so the two are never physically together? (i don't know how your she reacts to screens and whether it makes her worse as another poster has suggested). Is there any other way you could physically separate the two children?

@Singleandproud

We have discussed this. I read it here from another mum. They sold the family home and bought 2 flats. The parents moved each week to be with a different child.

Which one? The younger daughter is getting the rough end of the current situation

Punishment doesn't work with neuro diverse children. Better to give them something to aim for and reward good behaviour.

Just such a shame to have to do this though. You're a family and deserve to remain as one. X

My best friend at school had a sister like this. Violent, screaming, irrational. She hated everyone, but especially my friend ( perhaps she was envious of her being able to relate to people, perhaps she just didn’t want to share ‘her’ home with another child).

Although this was a long, long time ago, before the ND category was in common parlance, the advice was still that the more demanding sibling had to be indulged, ‘understood’ , the household had to revolve around them, because the strength of the character, and social constraint gave no option.

My friend ran away when she was sixteen. I don’t know what became of her, the police never traced her. I hope that it wasn’t the frying pan and the fire.

At least you are trying to protect your younger child OP, I hope you can succeed .

Has your daughter been witnessing your anger, what have you been saying to her?

It might well be that very strict and enforced boundaries are actually helpful for her, some kids (NT and ND) find latitude or grey areas/making their own decisions more unsettling. You might find that overall authoritarian parenting doesn't work as a whole but certain parts of it do, which you can take on going forward. Perhaps enforced rules and expectations and consequences will be helpful - it's not the modern way of thinking around gentle parenting or respectful parenting, but then you aren't in a normal situation and no one else is living that life except you.

That sounds like it might offer a glimmer of hope. Did that seem to work for them?

You have to do what you need to do to survive, and your youngest deserves to not be attacked in her own home, and you too of course.

My heart goes out to you 💐

@Singleandproud

I guess that is truly the end, huh. We give up our marriage and live separately till we die.

That poster at least had something positive to say and some help to offer.

Have you?

She is a child with a disability, if you can't live with her (and I understand that you feel like you can't) I would suggest asking SS to seek temp foster care. An autistic child cant be parented the way you are suggesting. How will you, her father and sister be remotely happy if she is in such torment?

Good luck with that.
As angry and pissed off as you might be that’s the worst thing you can do, especially if she is pda.
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

you need support. I know there isn’t much out there but you definitely need respite.

@stargirl1701 - just wanted to send you a hug. You are clearly at the end of your tether (completely understandably), and even as someone with no ND experience, it is obvious to me that for your sake, your DH's sake, and especially your other DD's sake, things have to change. Given everything else you've tried, it doesn't seem like you have much to lose with implementing the new regime. I wish you luck, and crucially, a bit of a break, and peace.

@strawberrywhisk

Ffs, no.

She knows she is in trouble because she kicked her sister yesterday.

You are so right. Why should that poor little girl be denied a proper childhood.

@stargirl1701 - OP, Do you work? Do you have anything that you can / do do for yourself that takes you away from the home and family environment for a while? Are you the sole carer for your autistic daughter most of the time? You need a break

This.