To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

No! Like many other parents she’s reached rock bottom and needs to rant to get it out of her system to people who get it, and maybe get some suggestions from parents who e been there.

Have you any idea how much that would cost ?
Every time there is a thread like this there are lots of well meaning but but basically clueless people offering suggestions with no.understanding of how has it is to.come by any kind of respite
I find it really frustrating.

What a helpful contribution.

Give her her own screen that she can watch to herself. She probably feels suffocated.

Not abusive.

Just authoritarian.

Not authoritative. Did that. Not permissive. Did that. Not low demand. Did that.

Nothing works. Nothing.

@stargirl1701 if you are at the end of your tether and just ranting, fine go ahead say whatever you like.

But if you are actually going to go ahead with what you propose I would strongly recommend you rethink, you are punishing your child because of their disability and the behaviours that come along with it and that's not OK.

She's still young and will need support using her techniques to keep calm, especially when escalated.

It's like a parent with a child in a wheelchair saying "That's it, I've had enough of pushing you around and finding accessible venues to go to, I'm done. You can stay at home from now on whilst we go out"

It sounds like you are in a negativity spiral as you've had some hard days. It being the summer holidays may have a lot to do with it that transition takes a while to adjust to. Maybe spend sometime focusing on the positive things your DD brings to family life too.

It sounds like she's picking up on your energy to be honest. I say that as an autistic adult as well as a parent to autistic children.
Sorry but you sound like you really need to be accessing support for you in order to support you. This is a you being exhausted and drained thing, it is not your child's fault.
Please do get counselling for you and go from there. Because your current plan is going to backfire for you and your daughter if you go ahead with it.
Can't help but wonder if there's neurodivergence on your part too given it's hereditary and you seem to be overwhelmed and lashing out albeit in your own way. And I mean that in a genuinely caring way, not harshly like it might sound.
I do feel for you but you need to be the grown up here and grown up's know to find the help they need rather than shut down and go military-style huffy.

OP, Are there any after school clubs or similar that she could become involved in, to give you and your family a little bit of breathing space every so often, X amount of times per week?

She's exactly the same age as my younger brother, who is also autistic. I get it. X

GOOD FOR YOU OP.
Be as strict as you need to be, for the sake of your sweet second child and marriage.
I hope you get a good outcome.

Well I’m sorry
but you don’t get to be done
your her parent ,your only done when she’s dead .
Are you being seen by camhs ,if not ring them now ,get on the waiting list ,and keep ringing .
talk to school …are school having the same problems…if not ,why not ..what have school found that works ..
ask school to put a TAF in place …Team around the family ….
get everyone together involved in her care ,to try to find a way forward ..
ask yourself…currently …are things worse than usual?
how old is she ..teen years approx 12 onwards were horrendous for me ,I was dreading secondary school ,friendships fell apart at primary school ,secondary school was a disaster,I was bulimic ,self harming and numerous suicide attempts all because my needs were not addressed ..

Authoritarian isn't abusive? Treating your daughter like shit and not considering her needs at all doesn't seem like any kind of answer to me.

The screen is not just for her, it's mainly for you! Use it to make your life easier and manageable. Let her watch as much as she wants, let her eat what she wants, let her do exactly as she wants, be as kind as you can possibly muster when you are talking to her. It sounds counterintuitive I know but give it a go and see how it works out. Give her nervous system a chance to totally calm down, she sounds like she is strongly in fight or flight mode. Give your own nervous system a chance to calm down. It's autism and the normal upbringing rules really don't work.

This.

You can’t bully your daughter out of being autistic. You can bully her into such a miserable frightened overwhelmed state that her behaviour is worse. That would be abusive.

I’m afraid you have the child you have, you don’t get to pick and choose and just give up.

But that will never work with an autistic child.

This isn't about typical misbehaviour. You are simply going to make the situation worse for her.

I have weekly counselling. I take my anti-despressants. DH and I tag team so we are only being hit, kicked and bitten for 30 minutes at a time. We take the dog out for a walk when we need space.

DD2 has sibling support from 3 sources - local autism charity, local youth counselling charity and school. These are continuing during the hols.

If anyone else was hitting, kicking and biting me every day your advice would be very different.

I grew up with this from my brother.

Hi @stargirl1701 I have an adult autistic son he was diagnosed at 9.. Have you asked for an urgent social services review, don't let them fob you off and thy will if they think they can. I had to fight for every bit of help for my son. They only offered 4 hours a week to start with, but it was worth it. He was statemented through school and had an EHCP through college but is now supported at a day center for adults with needs, so I get a bit of a break. I had to cry down the phone just to get them to come out and see him though to be assessed. Please reach out to them for support. You sound so low and completely at the end of your tether which I totally understand.

I think outsiders often fail to see what it is like for the NT sibling who didn’t ask for this. I have felt tremendous guilt for the abuse my autistic son sometimes deals out to his little sister so much that she sometimes hides behind her bed when he’s on the warpath.

also may I note that unregulated screen time is not a magic wand for all autistic children. Particularly for my son too long on a switch/playing games sends him bananas. It clearly does something to his brain. We’ve also had to block YouTube for the same reason.

This is so difficult and I can't imagine what your life is like.

How will you keep her in her room?

It comes across as so incredibly selfish but would you refuse to continue to support a cancer patient because their needs have been put first too many times?

Leave a wheelchair bound person alone in the next room at dinner times because they can't walk themselves to the table?

I hear you, you're crying out for help. There HAS to be a balance.

I don't think OP gives a fuck if it makes it worse for her.

Yes, her situation is going to get worse. But, that's 1 person.

There are 3 more of us here. Ours will be better.

people often overlook these siblings who constantly on the receiving end of violence from their siblings or locked in their rooms because everywhere else is violent.

protect all the children

Had the Child Disability Social Worker here yesterday.

I promise you we have tried EVERYTHING.

It's been 6 years since diagnosis. Plus the years before that as fought through the gate keeping.

That one person is your daughter.

If you don't care about her anymore at least get social services involved, don't just abandon her.

SS ARE involved. OP said that. She also has her other child to think of.

Child Disability Social Work are involved.

She is my daughter but she is also destroying every fibre of my being, DD2's being and DH's being.