To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

OP, with summer holiday coming up, there are sometimes residential trips available. I wonder if there are any in your area? It may do you and her some good to have a little bit of time apart?

As part of trying everything, have you taken her out of school?

Have you seen a psychologist?

Have you tried taking her out of school OP? It may be that she just isn't able to tolerate that, especially as puberty hits. Would you consider trying that for say six months and see if this calms down the biting, kicking and hitting?

I am at my wit's end. Desperate. This at least gives us a way forward. A plan.

Everything else has failed. Failed.

I will NOT allow my youngest child to live in fear whilst in her own home.

You mention having tried umpteen different approaches but surely that's just confusing for her as well as you.

Learn your daughter's mind, learn her experience and learn together. Sorry but saying you've read books and used parenting styles is not ever going to be helpful in an autistic household.
You need to navigate the journey together side by side with your daughter. Your approach so far seems very divisive between your children so it's not surprising she lashes out. She's probably completely confused and frustrated too.
But as someone above said- you do not get to be "done" so time to buckle up and embrace the ride. And I encourage you to look into CBT rather than just counselling because this needs you to learn how to respond rather than react.

I meant to give her up, put her into care. Because it's better than neglect.

I get that you are totally desperate but you're delusional if you think your other child is going to be happier with a sibling locked (?) in her bedroom all day presumably crying to be let out. It's obviously not going to work.

Does she go to school?

sorry I get it’s tough but becoming an abusive parent isn’t going to help anyone and certainly not her. I really hope this post is made up

Yes, tried taking her out of school last term. It worked so long as it was just her and me. As soon as DD2 got home; meltdown.

You are sounding more and more unhinged op.

The teenage years are a real danger zone for autistic girls, my dd became suicidal at age 12 and that was in a supportive, loving home. If you treat her like you say to plan to you are taking a very serious risk with her safety.

She is your child, you are supposed to love her, not just give up.

If she is behaving like this then you haven’t yet found the things that will work. You say you have tried xyz- stop chopping and changing. You said she may be pda- find out! And implement the changes she needs.

I feel so sorry for her.

She gets a quiet space to herself to decompress - that could be her room (or predictable time alone in the room if shared), or a tent in a room, or your room for an hour or two after school.
Does she have any time without being disturbed?

I'm not flaming well locking her in. We do not have bloody locks on internal doors. That would be ridiculous and a fire hazard.

I hadn’t finished ,I got cut of
you say you had the same from your brother,current research is that autism is hereditary..
I only found out I had it ,after 2 of my children were diagnosed with it .
try to find out what is behind the bad behaviour..
mine did behave as you described,but because they were in the wrong education setting for them ,once EHCP in place ,and different learning environment,things massively improved
puberty also is a hugely confusing time ,especially for girls ,
has her period started yet …if not it may be on the way ,she may be feeling crap and can’t describe what feels wrong or different in her body …I often find I feel off but can’t describe how ,or i find anxiety and hunger feel the same to me
signals our bodies send to alert us to something being wrong usually get wires crossed in case,when I’m angry or upset ,I often can’t explain how or why I feel like that …my boys with autism are the same .
I could tell you about my adult son with autism and what we went through as a family …but this is your thread ,so I won’t …but honestly your not alone .x

How long was she out of school?

Have you had any professional help to give you advice on strategies and to make a 5 point scale or something similar?

You sound exhausted and like you and your DD both need professional support.

I grew up with an autistic sibling who dominated everything in the household and made all of our lives hell, the fact it wasn't their fault doesn't detract from that. I feel for you OP, it's an impossible situation and the lack of support available is criminal.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds incredibly hard and I agree that often when there's a NT child and ND child, the needs of the latter (understandably) often come first and that can be at detriment to the other child, so I don't blame you for wanting to put your other child and by extension you and your other child first for a bit. I don't know whether what you are proposing will work or not, but it sounds like things can't continue as they are for all your sakes. I imagine you've looked thoroughly into what kind of support you can get too so there's no unturned stones there, but maybe time for a very frank discussion with her social worker or whoever there is to say that you can no longer cope with her behaviour and cannot have her in the home unless something changes.

Exactly this.

If you are no longer going to offer her a supportive loving home then it's best you speak to social services.

Having read this thread, if I knew who you were I'd be reporting you to social services. I am concerned about the welfare of this child. I understand that you're struggling but two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm in Scotland so no EHCP. Child's Plan here which has no legal authority behind it.

Where is the concern for my youngest daughter?

Are there any residential special needs schools near you? Is that a route that could be looked at through the social worker? If you can show school isn't able to provide what she needs that could maybe a way to help you get some much needed support and a break for you all.

Do you have no empathy for OP or the others in the household? It's a hard situation for all involved

I've been the younger daughter in this situation. It is HARD.

I have complete sympathy.

Sound off on here as much as you want. You need to vent.

I completely understand. I understand how bloody difficult and frustrating it can be when the needs of one person completely obliterate the needs of all others.

You can only do so much.