To be done with autism

[stargirl1701]

I'm done with it.

DD1 is autistic. She is nearly 11, diagnosed at 5. We have made numerous adjustments at home. School have made numerous adjustments. All to no avail.

She swore and kicked her little sister yesterday. Immediate consequence no screens for 24 hours and sent to her room. Of course, meltdown. 2 HOURS later after punching and kicking me she complies.

I'm done.

The needs of the many are now coming first. I'm on my sixth anti-depressant, DD2 is terrified in her own home, DH spends his life walking the dog trying to remain calm in the face is extreme provocation.

I'm done. No more. The 3 of us are coming first for the first time in more than a decade. I'm done.

No more empathy. No more trying to understand. Done.

No matter what we do, she has violent meltdowns. She thinks of no-one but herself. Modelling doesn't work. Talking incidents through doesn't work. She won't use any strategy she has been taught to avoid a meltdown.

I'm done. Time to live our lives.

Try again when you haven't had a drink.

I have nothing useful to say. I have absolutely no idea what you and your family are managing on a daily basis, but I do know that difficult times compound, hour by hour, day by day day, month by month.... I genuinely hear you x

@IamSTARVING

It is the nature of AIBU.

I now have 7 avenues to pursue that I did not have this morning. The thread has worked.

I have read all the op's posts. She was clear, I thought, about her plan for her autistic daughter to remain in her bedroom when in the house, and to eat seperately.

I hope she thinks better of this. I understand the impulse to console a woman who is clearly struggling, but that cannot be via saying that something that is clearly abusive and harmful is ok.

But do she hit you again after that?

I assume none are autistic or have the story OP has shared.

@Sheselectric88

How is it tested? I'm not going to be able to get a blood draw. Is there a saliva test?

💜

Are they able to spell better than you?

@Stompythedinosaur

Yet, some have advocated it as best practice for autistic children. Eating with others is intolerable I am advised.

So you're goi png to lock her in her room and let her out for dinner.

Do you think that will improve her behaviour?

Is she at a special school? What's her behaviour like there? Have you considered residential?

This approach will not work at all. You're approaching it in the wrong way, and it sounds like you're blaming her for her actions, when as an autistic person, she will be struggling hugely. I know it's hard, but YAB massively U.

@Aaaaandbreathe

I spoke to the Child Disability Social Worker yesterday in my home.

Probably but I can’t see any spelling mistakes?

So you "lutk" regularly?

@Clymene

No. If you had read the thread you would know we do not have locks on our internal doors. It's fire hazard to begin with and utterly bizarre in a family home to end with.

I am enforcing 'down time' in the bedroom she designed last year to meet her needs.

I am not certain of much in this world but I am pretty sure the OPs child is better off being with her than any social services. Let her go to someone who will take care of her better? The fuck?
Her DD seems to have had a lovely day in her room. Probably preferred it.

I wasn't saying that rewards and punishments necessarily work for autistic children - I was just saying that calling the OP abusive for administering consequences for violent behaviour is absurd.

@Livelovebehappy I’ve seen days out cancelled because the child knows their power and seems to try sabotage every nice thing my sister tries to do for the family.

1: I doubt that the child "knows their power".
2: Now why is it that the autistic child doesn't want to go for a day out? Perhaps it's because being in loud, bright, people-filled, moving-object-filled, strange places is anything but a "nice thing" for the autistic child? You are defining "nice" by neurotypical standards.

@stargirl1701 sorry the thread has gone too long for me to catch up but Ive skimmed what I can.

Is there anyway you could access some intensive support to implement a good positive behaviour support plan? It may help to identify some triggers that are potentially being missed - however id expect from the ABC charts you'd be able to work out the function to a lot of it.

I'm not sure if they offer any support virtually but there is the Cauldwell Centre in Staffordshire that may have some useful ideas or connections?

@Clymene

Again, reading the thread would enlighten you to her schooling.

Can you talk to me of your journey finding a residential placement in Scotland for your autistic child?

Imo this is a good decision considering you’ve tried everything. Once she’s gone through puberty and come into adulthood she will learn some life lessons which will teach her maturity and to appreciate and accommodate others feelings and needs. She won’t hate you or her sister forever, she won’t act this way forever. Autistic children aren’t immature forever, they just develop slower. It sounds like you’re a really loving and patient parent from all that you have tried. Good luck x

I agree. There's hardly people queueing up to adopt children anyway, it's a very naieve view that a challenging child would be better off in the system than with a mother who it sounds like has actively engaged with the services available and tried different things but has reached the end point of having to prioritise others in the family for their wellbeing. The real crime isn't OP or any of their actions, its the lack of meaningful and tangible support.

@McHelenz

I'm hoping the Child Disability Social Worker will offer suggestions after visiting yesterday.