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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

212 replies

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:10

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

OP posts:
StrawberryPavlova · 10/07/2023 22:12

On the face of it, he sounds like an arsehole. Why can't you all go?

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 10/07/2023 22:13

Yanbu

Midnightpony · 10/07/2023 22:13

Oh my god no way
My boy is nearly 6 and I wouldn't be happy with this
Our "baby" is 18 months and the longest I've been away from him is 6 hours at a time for occasional work and 3 hours for socialising

What does your partner think your baby will do for food? Never mind cuddles

AcclimDD · 10/07/2023 22:13

I wonder why you had PND 🙄

HunterHearstHelmsley · 10/07/2023 22:14

Can you go to his mums with him?

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

CoachBeardsJane · 10/07/2023 22:16

Why can't you go with him?

HeddaGarbled · 10/07/2023 22:18

Two hours away isn’t very far. She can come visit for a day or overnight (at his).

Original poster
Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:18

I just wanted to add that I couldn't go with him as I have older children from a previous relationship that I need to be here for due to schools etc x

OP posts:
teacherteacherss · 10/07/2023 22:18

F

PimpMyFridge · 10/07/2023 22:20

Christ! He's not thinking about baby at all! No one takes a six month old baby away from its mum for 4 days, baby will be massively distressed and behave very badly and either DH will have a horrific time trying to make it all better or he'll ignore her needs for an easy life.

No no no no no.

You're not being controlling or unreasonable he is.
Baby will hate it, a bad experience for her and completely unnecessary to inflict that on her.

Your partner is being a horrific arsehole, this is not normal

HowardKirksConscience · 10/07/2023 22:20

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

This x1000

My sympathies to you. Keep your babies with you xx

DueyCheatemAndHow · 10/07/2023 22:21

Not a cats chance in hell would I be separated from my baby like that

PimpMyFridge · 10/07/2023 22:21

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

I'll third that.

ChubbyMorticia · 10/07/2023 22:22

I’d be asking why what his mom wants is more important to him than your feelings.

No way I’d willingly be apart from a six month old for four days. Nope. Not only is he not giving a damn about YOUR feelings, he’s also not giving a crap about the baby’s.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 22:43

He’s a monster. He forced you to be apart form your first baby for ten days? Jesus Christ. Leave him. He can take you to court for access if he wants, which he won’t get much of until your baby is finished breastfeeding.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 22:54

YANBU, he is BU. He sounds abusive how you describe him. You've offered options such as having her stay with you. Baby will not want to have bottles if used to breast only, this coupled with separation from you and being in a new strange place could be very scary for baby. Please reach out to your friends and family for support dealing with him it is NOT disloyal. This man is part of why you had PND. He's not respectful or empathetic. I would think very carefully if you want to stay with him and if you want all your children in the same house as him. It's likely he's eroded your self esteem so that you don't realise you deserve better than this, even if that better might just be peace to feed and cuddle your children

Silveroriole · 10/07/2023 22:54

This is terrible! I would contact your health visitor and ask their advice. Perhaps even the police.
No way should a baby be taken away from his or her mother wither her full consent, and even more so a breast feeding one.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 22:54

ChubbyMorticia · 10/07/2023 22:22

I’d be asking why what his mom wants is more important to him than your feelings.

No way I’d willingly be apart from a six month old for four days. Nope. Not only is he not giving a damn about YOUR feelings, he’s also not giving a crap about the baby’s.

This

Silveroriole · 10/07/2023 22:55

What does his mother think about this plan? Does she know how you feel about it?

Bodybop · 10/07/2023 22:56

No. You don't take baby away from mum when bf unless and emergency. If you need to go out and about pumped milk can be left but not for your partner to take baby away. This smacks of mother in law intervention

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 22:56

You could offer a day trip to visit the mother at a weekend IF you want to help baby to meet GM but honestly I think he should go collect her, bring her for lunch, and then drive her home and stay with her and then come back the next day

Babyenroute · 10/07/2023 22:59

No bloody way would I be happy with this. I can't believe he doesn't understand why it's not ok! Aside from the craziness of expecting you to be ok with it, has he even thought through whether baby will take a bottle/ formula?

porridgecake · 10/07/2023 22:59

You are in a controlling, abusive relationship.
I am so sorry, but this man cares nothing for the children. He is using them to demonstrate his power over you and to cause you distress. He doesn't care about you either.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/07/2023 23:06

Hibiscrubbed · 10/07/2023 22:43

He’s a monster. He forced you to be apart form your first baby for ten days? Jesus Christ. Leave him. He can take you to court for access if he wants, which he won’t get much of until your baby is finished breastfeeding.

This - nothing more to add, just this!