Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

212 replies

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:10

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 11/07/2023 07:43

I’d meet him in the middle and offer him to take baby to his Mum for a day. Six months is far too little to be away from you for four days!

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

Zanatdy · 11/07/2023 08:16

Totally unreasonable for him to take a breastfed baby away from her mother unnecessarily. Sorry but no, it might totally ruin your BF and you’re not ready to stop. I’d kick his ass out if he tries to say he’s taking her regardless, no he isn’t. He sounds awful.

Original poster
Mama6x · 11/07/2023 08:16

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

My baby does see other people. My baby will not benefit being away from me for days

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 11/07/2023 08:16

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

I agree with this, but at 6 months old and breastfed, I think that’s totally different to a 4yr old going to stay with granny for half term

Joeylove88 · 11/07/2023 08:17

Oh this is a horrible situation and I'm sorry your going through it! As others have said your partners behaviour is abusive how dare he take your baby away from you for that long without your consent and now threaten to do it again. Definitely call your health worker and to be honest if he forcefully tries taking the baby from you I would be calling the police aswell. Noone would ever be taking my baby away from me like that especially my partner who I'm supposed to trust implicitly. To be honest in your position I would definitly be leaving him just for this alone. Assuming this is not the only horrible thing he has done to you it sounds like what he's like all the time? His precious mother can come and visit if she wants to see your children.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 11/07/2023 08:17

@Mooshamoo the OP is not stopping the baby from "seeing" other people.
She's (rightly) concerned about the baby being wrenched away from her only source of sustenance and comfort at an age when it really isn't a good idea.

I don't understand why you feel the need to come onto this thread and tell us all about how much you loved spending time with your grandmother when you were a child. Presumably (as you remember it) you were much older than 6 months at the time! We're not talking about a 6 year old here.

The OP's partner sounds like a tosser. And his mother should know better.

Alway1insomethingstat · 11/07/2023 08:18

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

This.

Canwesleepyet · 11/07/2023 08:25

If it was me I would message the MIL directly saying something along the lines of
“Hi MIL, husband has mentioned he is coming up to visit you soon. Baby is still exclusively breastfed so of course can’t come without me. You are more than welcome to come up and stay here, or we can arrange to come and visit over the summer holidays when kids have finished school. Hope you’re well.”

Or something along those lines. She doesn’t sound like an overly reasonable woman to be going along with this idea, but your husband may be making out you have no issue with it, so it is worth laying down the law, and letting her know she can see the baby but it needs to be at your home with you present. Your husband doesn’t sound the type to even present that as an option to her.

I am so sorry you are going through this and you are completely right to feel this is wrong - he is behaving atrociously and it is abusive to even suggest separating you from your baby. He may be her parent, but the crucial part of being a parent is putting your child’s interests first.

When he raises it, I would focus the conversation on baby - “why would you suggest doing that to baby? You know how distressed baby will be without me. We both know that’s not in baby’s best interests.” Rinse, lather, repeat. While your feelings about it of course matter they are more likely to be dismissed as you needing to “get over it” because he is an awful person.

jannier · 11/07/2023 08:27

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

It sounds like you didn't form a secure attachment for some reason. Maybe revisit your childhood did you get sent away or was parenting distant?

3BSHKATS · 11/07/2023 08:31

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:18

I just wanted to add that I couldn't go with him as I have older children from a previous relationship that I need to be here for due to schools etc x

Say no. End of discussion

FictionalCharacter · 11/07/2023 08:32

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

She isn't keeping her baby away from people. She just doesn't want her breastfed baby to be away from her for four entire days and nights.
At 6 months, yes, a breastfed baby's closest bond is with their mother, who gave birth to them and is feeding them. And you can't just switch to formula for a few days and then switch back. That isn't how it works.

piedbeauty · 11/07/2023 08:34

Your 'partner' sounds horrific. No wonder you have PND.

Can you leave him?

piedbeauty · 11/07/2023 08:35

Good idea to talk to your HV for advice. Your p sounds really nasty and totally uncaring.

Could you ring his mum, ask her to come to stay for a couple of days? Say to her that you can't be separated from your baby? She should know!

Sycasmores · 11/07/2023 08:36

You need help OP. He's a horrid excuse of a man. You should call the police if you need to.

SpringHexagon · 11/07/2023 08:39

Absolutely not being unreasonable, my daughter is 16 months old and I still won't be apart from her overnight, she is also still breastfeeding for comfort and although she would be able to go without, I just couldn't do it. I want to tell you to leave this arsehole but I know it's not that simple for everyone, but what he is doing is 1000x wrong and I doubt I'd be able to stay with my husband if she said/ done this.

FictionalCharacter · 11/07/2023 08:41

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/07/2023 07:04

I bet your life that baby will be ff fed when he returns. This may be part of the plan.

Show quote history

From the OP it sounds like he wants her to pump for the 4 days and he'll give the baby formula while they are away.
I wonder whether the MIL wants to play mummy and formula feed the baby, maybe hoping to get her off the breast and on to formula permanently. Perhaps that's why she wants her son to bring the baby to her and won't visit in OP's home instead.
I'd be very suspicious.

BobaFeta · 11/07/2023 08:46

Aside from the fact that it's an awful abusive situation and I am sorry you are in it...

A distressed baby in sole care of a dad who shows he can't control his temper or put baby first is a recipe for shaken baby syndrome.

caringcarer · 11/07/2023 08:50

Blossomtoes · 10/07/2023 23:26

This. Absolutely this.

Show quote history

Put your baby in a sling and don't let him get his hands on her. She has been through so much in 6 months and if he takes her away from you she won't understand why and probably won't feed from a bottle so will be starving. He doesn't care about you or his children. I agree he is an absolutely abusive monster.

RoyalImpatience · 11/07/2023 08:55

Mum is the most important person to a baby.

Baby can seen as many people as wants to see baby except with mum there?

There is no need to septate a baby esp one whose already suffered trauma from the familiar smells and voice and milk of mum.

The selfishness of the partner and the MIL staggers me.

Absolutely staggers me.

I would never demand to see a baby grandchild never.

Willowview · 11/07/2023 09:03

What is his reasoning for causing you so much heartache by even exploring the possibility of separation so early on? If he's not sensitive to your feelings over the matter, why isn't he thinking of the ramifications for his baby daughter? The physical effects on you and your daughter coupled with the emotional turmoil would be devastating for you both. So why is he doing this? He is supposed to protect you both from harm not cause it! I think you need answers, and the response to your questioning should help you to make a judgement as to whether you need to think about your relationship moving forward. You cannot be expected to recover from postnatal depression with this level of unnecessary fuckwittery going on around you.

Blossomtoes · 11/07/2023 09:08

So why is he doing this?

Because he’s an abusive, controlling cunt. It’s not difficult.

Thislittlepiggy89 · 11/07/2023 09:16

TheSandgroper · 11/07/2023 00:30

He knows this is deeply distressing to you and he likes the way it makes him feel. That’s his happy place.

This is so dark and uncomfortable to read but that is because it is so true.

REignbow · 11/07/2023 09:22

You need to act sooner rather than later.

You cannot let him take her. It will be really distressing for her, especially as she is mostly breastfed and only settles for you. You have been very reasonable and have offered an alternative.

Call your health visitor, Gp and WA and ask for help.

Whose name is on your lease? If it is just yours, you could ask him to leave and change the locks?

BlackeyedSusan · 11/07/2023 09:23

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

Another one saying this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread