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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

212 replies

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:10

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 11/07/2023 06:11

Why would any loving husband or father separate mother and child against their wishes? Why does his own mothers wishes take priority over yours?

LividHot · 11/07/2023 06:11

This really isn’t okay.

Catpuss66 · 11/07/2023 06:25

Summerfun54321 · 11/07/2023 06:11

Why would any loving husband or father separate mother and child against their wishes? Why does his own mothers wishes take priority over yours?

In different cultures this happens a lot. I have even seen mother in law dictate if they can breast feed or not. These men will always choose their mothers opinion over the wife. No wonder you became ILL forcibly having your child taken from you for 10 days. Your PND will be used against you to prove you are good enough parent.( not true by the way) Contact women’s aid ask for support. Reach out to your HV. This is not normal behaviour in happy equal relationships.

Hollyppp · 11/07/2023 06:39

This is awful and I wouldn’t be happy. My husband suggested something similar when our son was 18 months old and I was panicking - how do you physically stop them taking the baby away from you? He didn’t do it in the end and I gave him permission to take our son to his parents when he was 2.5 and husbands parenting was a bit better

FlamingoQueen · 11/07/2023 06:43

What? I’m sorry you live with such a man, let alone have more children with him! He cannot take your baby away for 4 or 10 days. That is not normal behaviour and if he does take them always, I would use those days to change the locks and kick him out (obv making sure baby is back with you first). It’s nearly the school holidays so why can’t you all go?

TheCheeseTray · 11/07/2023 06:44

PimpMyFridge · 10/07/2023 22:20

Christ! He's not thinking about baby at all! No one takes a six month old baby away from its mum for 4 days, baby will be massively distressed and behave very badly and either DH will have a horrific time trying to make it all better or he'll ignore her needs for an easy life.

No no no no no.

You're not being controlling or unreasonable he is.
Baby will hate it, a bad experience for her and completely unnecessary to inflict that on her.

Your partner is being a horrific arsehole, this is not normal

This

Thosepeskyseagulls · 11/07/2023 06:53

I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that

Why is what his Mum wants more important than what you want?

Doidontimmm · 11/07/2023 06:57

Can you refuse to express? Or would this lead him to using formula?

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 11/07/2023 07:02

If this is how he treats his own baby, what is he like with your other children, his step children? The only way I would go is if everyone goes during the summer holidays. Hope your health visitor is supportive.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/07/2023 07:04

Doidontimmm · 11/07/2023 06:57

Can you refuse to express? Or would this lead him to using formula?

I bet your life that baby will be ff fed when he returns. This may be part of the plan.

SmackMeOnTheBottomWithTheWomensWeekly · 11/07/2023 07:05

Please get all the advice and support you can today to leave this pitiful excuse of a "man". You and your baby are vulnerable right now, and this is not normal behaviour from a partner or father. If it's hard for you to believe you deserve better (I've been there), think about what messages your older children are picking up. That's not to make you feel any guilt, just to try to make you see that you all need protection from this person.
So sorry you're going through this.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/07/2023 07:05

And anyway, can you even express enough for 4 days? What If baby is extra hungry?

StopStartStop · 11/07/2023 07:05

Send him to his mum's - he can go alone and he can stay.
What he's suggesting is cruel to the baby and to you.
His mother does not have rights over your baby.

Do you have family you could go to? You and your baby need to be out of this situation.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 11/07/2023 07:06

Sounds like he wants his mummy to tell him what a great dad he is.
Absolutely yanbu. He is being a twat for even thinking about doing this.

StopStartStop · 11/07/2023 07:09

Sorry, just spotted you need to be at home for older children. Then you need him out. Do you have any (burly) male relatives who could stand by you while you give him his marching orders? He needs to go. He's trying to separate you from your baby.

StopStartStop · 11/07/2023 07:10

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 11/07/2023 07:06

Sounds like he wants his mummy to tell him what a great dad he is.
Absolutely yanbu. He is being a twat for even thinking about doing this.

Sounds to me like he's taking his baby home to his mummy, and that will be the last the real mother sees of her. Really don't like this at all.

BeardyButton · 11/07/2023 07:11

What the fuck is wrong with some men?!?

And the mother…. Does she know about this?! Imagine being ok with causing two human beings (one a bloody baby) so much distress so that you can have a ‘hold’ and feel
important.

Iamnotalemming · 11/07/2023 07:11

This is upsetting to read. You are really not being unreasonable. Can you go stay with a family member or friend for a few days? Or if that's difficult with DC can someone come to you to support you

BreatheAndFocus · 11/07/2023 07:13

He’s cruel, selfish and downright bloody evil! Get away from him! It doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all, and he certainly doesn’t care about his baby!

Please get support and get away from him for good. Horrible, horrible man 😡

TRexTara · 11/07/2023 07:16

No. Just no. He is an abusive arsehole. This is not in your babies best interest. This man needs to go. How does he treat your older children?

TimeSlipMushroom · 11/07/2023 07:17

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I wonder if this is only a part of the abusive behaviour your DP is subjecting you too. It's a very good plan to speak to your health visitor but you may want to speak to womens aid as well. Be honest and tell them everything that's happened so they can support you

SecretVictoria · 11/07/2023 07:23

Maray1967 · 10/07/2023 23:12

This. I’m not sure what line the police would take on this but I think the HV should be alerted. This is an appalling threat.

Show quote history

Police won’t do anything. In the eyes of the law he is an equal parent.

millymollymoomoo · 11/07/2023 07:24

Well I actually don’t necessarily think either of you are in the wrong

it’s understandable he wants to take baby away, and as his child he has same ‘rights’ as you.

however, based on your circumstances it’s not unreasonable to feel anxious and upset about it and in reality the breastfeeding puts pay to it anyway. So you’re not unreasonable to say no at this time

when would you be comfortable with it? And what help are you getting for your pnd and anxiety ?

Zarataralara · 11/07/2023 07:29

His attitude screams control. You’ve got until he gets his new car to be ready to separate from your baby? I don’t think even prison officers treat prisoners like that!
This is all about his control, huge 🚩 🚩 🚩.
Speak to your HV then prepare to kick him out.

Feelingsad12 · 11/07/2023 07:29

It is absolutely not in the best interests of your baby to be away from you for 4 days - in fact it will be utterly traumatic. Breastfeeding isn’t just about feeding - it’s comfort too. No way in hell would I have been away from my baby at 6 months for more than a couple of hours (and I consider myself pretty laid back). No way in hell would a court ever order you to be separated from a breast fed baby at 6 months so I don’t know why he thinks he can just take her