AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

[Mama6x]

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

Hi everyone I want to thank you again for the comments and advice. Update. I have been trying to get hold of my health visitor every day since posting but haven't heard from her yet. I've also requested a phone call with my perinatal mental health worker to speak to her about this.
This morning he left for his Mums until Wednesday WITHOUT baby. I have firmly stood my ground and told him I will do whatever is necessary to stop him taking her without my consent. He sulked A LOT but has accepted it (for now) I truly believe he will make these threats again, I truly believe once he has his car he will try to take her so until then I'm going to keep trying to get hold of everyone I can for support.
This morning when he was getting ready to leave he had a go at me because I didn't wake him up early enough. I bit back and told him he should've set an alarm and it's not my responsibility to wake him up. He then had a go at me because he wanted to take 6mo raincover for her pushchair and not use the one for toddlers pushchair. I said no I need the raincover while you're gone. He copped an attitude and told me I should've given him a heads up that it was raining today.. again I bit back and told him don't you dare try to make the weather forecast my responsibility you're a grown man you can check the weather yourself!! This all might sound really petty but this thread has given me the back bone to stand up for myself when he tries to make everything my fault. It's always MY fault! Sorry this is so long and I know this isn't the end of this fight but I'm just happy that I stood my ground and my baby is currently having a big feed and contact napping rather than crying being away from me 🥰

Well done OP stand you ground, good look with the HV etc they will signpost you to services

Massive well done for standing your ground OP.

Do everything you can to see someone about this before he gets back on Wednesday.

I would suggest calling your GP this afternoon and asking for an urgent appointment in the hope you can see them on Monday and they can fast track some support from your HV / perinatal support worker. I wouldn't leave it until they get back to you in case it's after he's back.

Well done! You seriously need to re-consider this relationship: he do not sound responsible or respectful and certainly doesn’t have the dc’s best interests at heart.

Why won’t his mother come to you or come to a nearby hotel? Do you speak to her?

You are doing amazing 👏 Feeling so proud of you 👍

Great job OP! Harass your HV or I second the suggestion to call GP for urgent appointments to expedite the HV contact - or the GP may well be able to signpost you to relevant support services. SO PLEASED baby is with you!

Well done, OP - you have found your inner Mama Bear and stood up to your DH. You are a strong woman, and a good mum. While he is gone, do some thinking about whether you really do want to be in this horrible relationship and what steps you might need to take to get yourself out of it.

Well done

I'm so proud of you, @Mama6x! Well done! Definitely talk to your GP as well as HV.

Has he taken your toddler away until next Wednesday?

You are really lacking in confidence OP and I've heard good things about this program.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Given he was such a dick with your first (with him), what ever possessed you to have another with him? The man you want him to be isn’t waiting around the corner, are you prepared for a battle because if you can’t reach an amicable decision, it might come to that.

This is true. You might learn how to stand up to him. He might change some of his behaviour. But he is never going to be a kind and compassionate man.

What's his mum like?

I ask because I have a close personal friend who had a child with an abusive man. She has 'trained' him over the years to not be actively abusive to her and he now exhibits some quite good qualities. However she is still deeply unhappy and not in the relationship she needs 7 years on. One of the biggest problems in her relationship is that he is deeply emotionally enmeshed with his mother and she is his enabler.

My friend, unlike you does not listen to sensible advice though. She operates on a scorched earth policy. So when he pisses her off, she gets verbally abusive to him and his mother. Social services offered the freedom program to her, but instead of seeing it as something useful she just saw it as a hoop to jump through to get social workers off her back.

As for me, I'm sick of hearing about it.

Well done mama. Keep pushing for help and guidance.

Also it's good to have documented this with a professional now - you don't know what you might need later on.

Actually more wonder why knowing what he did she had another dc with him !

Why are u with this horrendous bully? U must divorce him

@Mama6x

"This all might sound really petty..."

Doesn't sound petty at all; it sounds exactly right!

Well done OP. You have been in my thoughts. Your bravery in standing up to him ensured your daughter remained safe in your arms.

To the posters questioning why another child was brought into this relationship. Given there is abuse it is possible OP does not have full control over her reproductive choices. Abusive men often like to control this area (personal experience).

@Mama6x omg you've done amazing - well done.

First step and it's massive.
Hope you feel proud of yourself.

That's huge @Mama6x , absolutely huge.
Well done, you might find he comes back with a renewed strategy for regaining the dynamic where he controls the narrative... Charm offensive or aggression offensive, I hope you can think one step ahead of him so you can be prepared for surprises, you and your children deserve respect and peace of mind.
Keep going op and enjoy your time with your beautiful baby. 💐

Agree completely

Good for you, op.

Your p is a complete cunt, but I suspect you know that now. Good luck 💐

Update. He came back tonight after being at his mums since Friday. I've had such a lovely time with my children and i definitely needed the break after what happened when I posted this. He was back for less than an hour before he was cuddling 6mo and saying "I'm taking you to nanny's soon, yes I am I'm taking you to nanny's soon" over and over again as if to taunt me. I just want to cry. I've spoken to my perinatal mental health worker and my health visitor and they both advised calling the police if he does try to take her. I'm not sure if police will do anything even though we are still breastfeeding. I honestly want to scream and cry. He's only been like this since she was born. Before she was born he was all I could want in a partner. I don't know what happened. I don't know why he wants to hurt me like this and I don't know why he's putting himself and his mum before our daughters needs. I'm sat on my sofa cuddling her and I'm shaking from anxiety.