Page 5 | AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

Mama6x · 2023-07-10T21:10:41+00:00

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

cupofdecaf · 11/07/2023 09:27

See a Solicitor about separating, court ordered contact and preventive steps order (to stop him taking her away over night).
He's abusing you. If this is his approach to this one issue what is he going to be like about other things?
Is the house yours? Could you simply change the locks?
Women's aid and health visitors will be great starting points.

Naunet · 11/07/2023 09:29

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

Well done on not having the slightest understanding of nature. Babies do need their mums more. We’re not talking about a 5 year old child but a breastfed 6 month old.

Thislittlepiggy89 · 11/07/2023 10:19

Please do follow through with contacting your health visitor. You need RL support to protect yourself and therefore your baby. This man is very abusive.

I immediately suspected that his plan is to sabotage the breastfeeding relationship. I expect he thinks your body belongs to him and he wants it back. His four day trip is a good amount of time to disrupt the relationship.

The distress your baby will be under and having two cold people attending to her and forcing a bottle on her can not happen. I know it must be so scary but please protect her from this happening.

I left my 13 month old for 2 days thinking they would be OK at that age. Didn't drink that much milk surely? Wrong! She refused to eat or drink for dad (he didn't tell me till I was back). She slept a lot and he really struggled to get her to consume anything. He is a great dad but the separation from me caused her huge stress. I can't imagine how a 6 month old would cope.

To the poster saying mums feel like they own the baby. Not the language I would use to describe it but actually for the first year they are mine imo. I carried them and birthed them. Other areas of my life take a back seat while I give them my all. As a bf mum I do all feeds day and night. We are each other everything because we have a strong secure attachment (which of course ff mums have to). My baby has lovely relationships with other people. However I am there and will be for a good while yet till she is older. Even then it will be built up with an hour here and there. Not an immediate 4 day stay!

wutheringkites · 11/07/2023 10:25

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

Are you a mother?

amispeakingintongues · 11/07/2023 11:11

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 23:58

Thank you all for your comments they have helped me feel very validated and reassured. Some were quite hard to read as I'd never considered this an abusive relationship until reading the comments. He told me I have until he buys his new car to "make myself be ready" to be apart from her as he will be taking her whether I like it or not as "he is her dad and can take her if he wants to" and also I'm being incredibly unfair and selfish to his mum. I'll be contacting my health visitor in the morning to alert her and seek more advice. I just want to cry. I can't be away from her yet

OP i'm sorry 😞 my partner tried this stunt on me and I went CRAZY so I called the MIL and told her its not happening and she should understand as a mother herself. I still haven't forgiven my partner for this event - but that was just for day away at MILs!

He is controlling and abusive. Seek help/advice immediately and get your family to support you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this shit x

amispeakingintongues · 11/07/2023 11:14

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

Do you remember being left with your granny for days on end at 6months old when you we're exclusively breastfed? Did you love it then too?

You sound like you don't have kids tbh.

PimpMyFridge · 11/07/2023 11:23

Mum's don't think they own the baby, not so they want to deprive them of other people.
What they tend to do is centre the babies immediate needs in any decision. This obviously evolves over time as baby develops from tiny and vulnerable (with all its instincts that go with that) to robust and outward looking (and ask the instincts that go with that).

@Mooshamoo This dad is not doing that and you have a strange warped view of mothers based on your comment here.

monsteramunch · 11/07/2023 11:30

@Mooshamoo

A breastfed six month old baby absolutely does not benefit from being away from their mother for four days and nights.

How ludicrous to equate that with 'seeing other people' and spending time with other family members, which I'm absolutely sure the baby already does.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 11/07/2023 11:38

There is absolutely no way my DH would have taken ours away from me at 6 months and no way would I have allowed it. Now they are older it would be fine but at 6 months he would have had to take them from my dead body.

ForsterMcLennan · 11/07/2023 11:38

Just want to add - I feel so sorry for you. This is horrendous. Please do seek as much advice as you can. Your baby needs you and your partner sounds so abusive and controlling. Please speak to GP, HV as you have said and also Women’s Aid, you need as much ammunition as you can to fire back at this absolute waste of space.

WaltzingWaters · 11/07/2023 11:38

Your DH sounds abusive and controlling and isn’t thinking about your baby’s needs at all.

Hollyppp · 11/07/2023 12:14

wutheringkites · 11/07/2023 10:25

Are you a mother?

Show quote history

She can’t be with those comments

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 11/07/2023 12:38

This is horrific! No way should a baby be taken off its mother in this way. Please speak to the HV and get this stopped. Dreadful.

RampantIvy · 11/07/2023 12:41

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

You clearly know nothing about breastfeeding. An EBF baby will not just happily take a bottle of formula. It will become distressed, hungry and thirsty.

Your opinion here is completely unhelpful and irrelevant.

Original poster

Mama6x · 11/07/2023 19:01

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. Its really helped me and there have been some hard pills to swallow. I think the people who said they think he is trying to stop the breastfeeding and have her on formula are bang on. He has never been very supportive of me breastfeeding. I made it very clear from the get go I was going to breastfeed as I have done with all my other children too. He still went ahead and bought loads of bottles, electric steriliser during my pregnancy and bulk bought tubs of formula after we came home from the hospital. Whenever she'd grumble for a feed he would say "i'll make her a bottle" and id say why? Im feeding her? He still does it. Says he will make her a bottle when I am literally feeding her. Hes also said she doesnt get enough from me even though her weight gain has been consistently amazing. So yes i think part of taking her away would be to try and sabotage breastfeeding too

OP posts:

Ghostgirl77 · 11/07/2023 19:10

YADNBU and he is not your “partner” if he is behaving like this with no respect for your feelings. He sounds very controlling and is probably jealous of the bond you have with the baby through breastfeeding as he is having to play second fiddle.

Wheredowe · 11/07/2023 19:16

This man sounds like an abusive git. If you separated, you would not have to give him overnights at this stage. I would happily lock the door and call the police if he doesn't leave for his mother's house without the baby, should it come to a situation where he's trying to take him/her.

You really need out of this.

FictionalCharacter · 11/07/2023 19:16

Mama6x · 11/07/2023 19:01

Thank you all so much for taking the time to comment. Its really helped me and there have been some hard pills to swallow. I think the people who said they think he is trying to stop the breastfeeding and have her on formula are bang on. He has never been very supportive of me breastfeeding. I made it very clear from the get go I was going to breastfeed as I have done with all my other children too. He still went ahead and bought loads of bottles, electric steriliser during my pregnancy and bulk bought tubs of formula after we came home from the hospital. Whenever she'd grumble for a feed he would say "i'll make her a bottle" and id say why? Im feeding her? He still does it. Says he will make her a bottle when I am literally feeding her. Hes also said she doesnt get enough from me even though her weight gain has been consistently amazing. So yes i think part of taking her away would be to try and sabotage breastfeeding too

That's what he's doing then. And his mother plans to help him do it. Despicable.

Wheredowe · 11/07/2023 19:18

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

This is bollocks, respectfully.

aloris · 11/07/2023 19:24

Well, for the sake of argument, let's start from the assumption that he's an equal parent. That doesn't necessarily give him the right to force you to wean your baby off of breastmilk. As an equal parent, you have an equal say as him. By him removing the baby for 4 days he would essentially be dictating that you wean the baby , thus saying that he is MORE her parent than you are. Since (for the purposes of giving his position a fair hearing), you are equal parents, his argument doesn't work. Under the idea that you are equal parents, the current situation is the default and should continue as such. In other words, breastfeeding from the breast should continue until you BOTH agree it is ok to wean the baby off of breastfeeding. His sole say is insufficient since, as equal parents, your buy-in would also be needed.

Same idea for taking your baby away for 4 days. If you are equal parents: he says he can take the baby, you say he cannot. What gives him the right to overrule you? Since you are equal parents, he cannot overrule you, as your wishes have equal weight as his. In other words, there's no natural right for him to go against your wishes and remove your baby from your joint household for any length of time. Again, the default situation here would be that the baby remain in the household with you both.

[Also, pumped milk will not hold the baby over for 4 days and your milk supply will be greatly affected by the end of that period. You'll also suffer great discomfort from not having baby to the breast for 4 days and it puts you at risk of mastitis.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 11/07/2023 19:25

Is he on the birth certificate and does he have parental rights.

Grumpigal · 11/07/2023 19:25

He sounds like a prize A wanker. I really don’t know what to suggest because if he has parental rights then you can’t ring the police if he takes her. She is his child after all.

I absolutely agree he should not be taking her and he absolutely should not be making threats about it either. He honestly sounds abusive.

I actually think the only way you might be able to stop this is for you to either leave or instigate him leaving - not sure how possible thst is for you? But as others have said, if you leave and then say “go to court for access” he won’t get over nighters.

Hope your health worker can work out how to tackle this and I hope you can find a way to get out of this relationship.

MaPaSpa · 11/07/2023 19:27

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:18

I just wanted to add that I couldn't go with him as I have older children from a previous relationship that I need to be here for due to schools etc x

And they can’t stay with their father for a few days ? I don’t think he should dictate but I can’t imagine you would let him tell you, that you can’t take your baby away?

aloris · 11/07/2023 19:28

"When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad."

Whatever you may have perceived, it is almost certain that you needed your mother more than your grandmother. If your grandmother attended as much to your needs as your mother did, that would be a rather unusual situation, albeit not unheard of. Lots of kids do not appreciate, until they are separated from their mother or become an adult, how much of their survival and wellbeing depends on the invisible and unappreciated work that mothering entails.

PinkyFlamingo · 11/07/2023 19:38

Of course yanbu. But if he carries out his threat how can you physically stop him? Scary stuff.