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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

212 replies

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:10

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

OP posts:
Useruser12344 · 19/07/2023 22:46

"Before she was born he was all I could want in a partner"

Really? Because he took your son away too.

You need to leave your partner asap

Original poster
Mama6x · 19/07/2023 22:52

Useruser12344 · 19/07/2023 22:46

"Before she was born he was all I could want in a partner"

Really? Because he took your son away too.

You need to leave your partner asap

Sorry yes I should rephrase that to before I was pregnant with her as it was during my pregnancy he took my son for 10 days but yes I do I'm just scared he's going to make my life hell

OP posts:
Useruser12344 · 19/07/2023 22:55

Can you think of something that happened to make him change?

I think that he's already making your life difficult and you're unable to feel safe in your own home. Leaving would at least give you physical space from him

TooComplex · 20/07/2023 07:27

Stop trying to figure out why he is this way.

Starting trying to figure out how to make you and your baby safe.

Shaking like that is no good for you or baby.

BobaFeta · 20/07/2023 07:51

I'm really sorry for.you being in such a sad situation.
But bottom line is, he's not who you thought he was and you can't trust him. Please get those babies as far away from him as possible before this escalates. Imagine how you'd feel if he hurt them. Yes I know he hasn't yet but his behaviour is not stable enough to guarantee he won't snap around your children.
Your priority is to them. I'm sorry to be harsh but it's the truth. This is not a stable situation for.them. You need to get them out as soon as possible.

TurqoiseJasper · 20/07/2023 10:02

TooComplex · 20/07/2023 07:27

Stop trying to figure out why he is this way.

Starting trying to figure out how to make you and your baby safe.

Shaking like that is no good for you or baby.

Absolutely agree. No figuring out to be done really.
Other than how to remove yourself and your children asap. I have learnt to never take any threat lightly.
I suggest you do the same xx

Comtesse · 20/07/2023 10:55

Dear OP I hope you have cast iron contraception. You clearly have quite a few children all ready, you don’t need any further ties to this nasty man. Stand firm ❤️

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/07/2023 10:58

Redhairblackheart · 10/07/2023 23:23
Tell him he can bloody well go to his mothers ALONE and stay there!”

This. Do you have anyone who can support you/be there when you tell him no?

BonjourCrisette · 20/07/2023 11:51

I think you should contact Women's Aid or similar, @Mama6x and find out what options you may have.

This man doesn't have your best interests, or those of your children, at heart.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/supporting-survivors/

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

fancifulmanciful · 20/07/2023 12:19

Marmalady75 · 10/07/2023 22:16

Take your sc and run for the hills. This man is a controlling, abusive nightmare. Get yourself and your kids away from him.

You can't run. Family court would give him access, she'd have less control than she does now.

newyearsresolurion · 20/07/2023 22:14

Definitely call the police and explain that she's only breastfed ( when he tries to take her).

Acornsoup · 20/07/2023 23:58

Put a location tag (air tag or tile) in her nappy bag just in case, because he will take that with him too.

Original poster
Mama6x · 21/07/2023 00:17

HE'S GONE!
I rang women's aid this afternoon and someone from there is going to come and see me soon for support. I brought up the conversation of him threatening to take her and to say it got really ugly is an understatement. He called me a man hater, told me he will do what he wants with our baby, told me I am selfish. I told him what he's doing is abusive so he said that me not allowing him to take her is me emotionally abusing HIM. There was a lot more said, things I cannot believe he's even said but to cut a long story short I ended the relationship and told him to pack his stuff and leave. He said well you've made it worse for yourself now because now I will have to have her at my mums every weekend for visitation. I reminded him that as she's breastfed he won't have overnight visitation yet. This enraged him even more and he was swearing at me saying I was lying etc but I'll let him figure that out for himself! He's gone. I know this isn't the end of it but I feel very empowered, strong and like a weight has lifted. Thank you all for helping me grow my back bone.

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2023 00:26

Oh well done. Stay strong. He's trying to use classic abusive methods on you: DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim/offender).

Catpuss66 · 21/07/2023 00:49

Well done you! report to police as well if just to log it for future if needed in court, be proactive protect yourself & your children.

Codlingmoths · 21/07/2023 00:58

Oh my goodness, I’m so relieved for you op. I hope your home is a peaceful space wihtout him. Perhaps get a chain on the door or change the locks if you’re worried? And think about child maintenance of course.

Laserbeam24 · 21/07/2023 01:01

I am so glad to read this, well done you. That took a lot of strength! No more walking on eggshells or living in fear. You'll ace single mum life, you clearly love and care about your children so so much.

AllBlackEverything · 21/07/2023 01:14

Oh OP, what a fantastic update! You should be so proud of yourself. There will be some hard times ahead, and sometimes you might think it's easier to just take him back than end the relationship, so keep posting here for support whenever you need it.

It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

Nat6999 · 21/07/2023 04:47

I would leave him, take your dc ASAP, no way would he be taking my baby away from me at 6 months, especially as you are feeding her. Speak to Women's Aid & get yourselves as far away from him as you can.

Pollywoddles · 21/07/2023 04:55

Nat6999 · 21/07/2023 04:47

I would leave him, take your dc ASAP, no way would he be taking my baby away from me at 6 months, especially as you are feeding her. Speak to Women's Aid & get yourselves as far away from him as you can.

Rtft!

Well done OP, what a strong and amazing mother you are.

ChiPawPrint · 21/07/2023 05:00

I am usually very vocal about fathers having access to their children but with this one, I am completely with you OP.

He is not thinking of your baby. Baby is being breastfed which is very important right now, for nutrition as well as comfort and security. Dad is being completely selfish and not putting baby first in my opinion.

You have been reasonable by offering for his mum to stay at the house for a few days.

Nat6999 · 21/07/2023 05:04

Sorry didn't see he had gone, get your locks changed, tell school when they go back that nobody other than you will collect from school. Speak to Women's Aid for advice as you can bet he will be threatening you with court. Keep any threatening messages from him as proof of abuse, the good thing is even if he goes to court it will be ages a
before you actually would get a hearing as there is a backlog still from the pandemic. Don't forget to put in a claim for maintenance through CMS.

PimpMyFridge · 21/07/2023 05:12

Wish I could rush round and give you a hug! You've gone from bewildered (rightly so) to accepting of this awful new reality of his refusal that you or the children having any say in his cruel and unnecessary choices... and standing against him. That's amazing.
Now you need to pull in any support you can, learn the tactics people like him use, work out what you can do, feel proud of yourself, look after yourself and did in for the long haul.
You're incredible.

Tistheseason17 · 21/07/2023 05:35

Well done, OP.
You were very brave.
You did the right thing.

ChiPawPrint · 21/07/2023 05:46

Mama6x · 21/07/2023 00:17

HE'S GONE!
I rang women's aid this afternoon and someone from there is going to come and see me soon for support. I brought up the conversation of him threatening to take her and to say it got really ugly is an understatement. He called me a man hater, told me he will do what he wants with our baby, told me I am selfish. I told him what he's doing is abusive so he said that me not allowing him to take her is me emotionally abusing HIM. There was a lot more said, things I cannot believe he's even said but to cut a long story short I ended the relationship and told him to pack his stuff and leave. He said well you've made it worse for yourself now because now I will have to have her at my mums every weekend for visitation. I reminded him that as she's breastfed he won't have overnight visitation yet. This enraged him even more and he was swearing at me saying I was lying etc but I'll let him figure that out for himself! He's gone. I know this isn't the end of it but I feel very empowered, strong and like a weight has lifted. Thank you all for helping me grow my back bone.

Wow, you are one amazing woman and probably one of the most amazing mothers I've read about on here.

Massive hugs 💐