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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not wanting dad to take baby away

212 replies

Mama6x · 10/07/2023 22:10

My baby is 6 months old, breastfed and she's had a very difficult time we almost lost her at birth due to group b strep, seizures, sepsis and a stroke. My partner wants to take her away to go and stay with his Mums almost 2hrs away for about 4 days. I've said I am not ready to be apart from her yet and plus we are still breastfeeding. He told me I can just pump and he will give her formula. She's very attached to me needless to say and I am to her as I nearly lost her and suffered with PND which made me incredibly protective of her. I am still battling PND and I cannot imagine being apart from her. My partner has told me I am being selfish and unfair that I won't let him take baby to his Mums for days. I suggested he go and pick his mum up and she's welcome to stay here for a few days but he said no she won't want to do that. I tried to explain we are still breastfeeding, she won't want to be apart from me and it's not fair to dictate to me when I have to be away from my baby. He said she's 6 months old she's plenty old enough to be away from me and whether I like it or not he's taking her. I will do everything in my power to stop him taking her as I am NOT ready and I won't be for a while. We have a 2 year old son and he forced me to be apart from him before I was ready and took him to his Mums for 10 days it was the hardest 10 days of my life! I am not prepared to go through it again. I don't think I'm being unfair? Am I? I don't think my baby would want to be away from her mama yet as I am her main source of comfort, she only settles for me! He says I'm dictating and controlling what he does with her but if anything he's dictating to me because he says I don't have a choice and he WILL be taking her whether I'm ready or not. I feel so sad and I can't fathom being apart from her yet!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 11/07/2023 20:32

Bloody hell. he's deliberately trying to undermine your breastfeeding? He clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about the needs of your baby. Do you have anyone safe in real life that you can talk to?

Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 20:42

Talk to you doctor as well as the HV about the domestic abuse. You can get help, they can help organise counselling to help with your mood and recognising the abuse. They will put it on your GP record which may be important going forward.

Given your current PND, his threats and that you have offered a solution to have his DM visit you he is being completely unreasonable. Why can't she come to you? Why can she wait until you are recovered from PND?

If he does take your baby without your consent personally I would end the relationship because he has no respect for you or what is best for the baby. This is just the start. Good luck op Daffodil

towriteyoumustlive · 11/07/2023 20:42

I would not be in a relationship with someone like that...

I'll no doubt get flamed for this but men are NOT equal parents in the first year of a baby's life. A mother will always have a much stronger bond due to carrying the baby and giving birth to it, then breastfeeding. It's an emotional attachment that cannot be undone.

I'm not saying men don't have any emotional attachment. It's just not the same at the beginning . A dads bond with the kids grows with age as kids spend time with them.

There is no way you should be made to be separated for 4 days from a breastfed baby. That's ridiculous.

Chestnutlover · 11/07/2023 20:43

Nope

Chestnutlover · 11/07/2023 20:44

I won’t be parted from my baby for longer than a couple of hours

Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 20:47

Are you married and is he on the birth certificate?

Beezknees · 11/07/2023 20:50

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

No. At 6 months old, a baby only needs their primary caregiver. And if granny wants to see the baby, she can come to the house to visit.

CherryGenoa · 11/07/2023 20:52

Goodness, I am glad to read that you are contacting your HV for advice. It’s abuse. Please also reach out to a friend or family member you can trust for support if you can.

Beezknees · 11/07/2023 20:53

towriteyoumustlive · 11/07/2023 20:42

I would not be in a relationship with someone like that...

I'll no doubt get flamed for this but men are NOT equal parents in the first year of a baby's life. A mother will always have a much stronger bond due to carrying the baby and giving birth to it, then breastfeeding. It's an emotional attachment that cannot be undone.

I'm not saying men don't have any emotional attachment. It's just not the same at the beginning . A dads bond with the kids grows with age as kids spend time with them.

There is no way you should be made to be separated for 4 days from a breastfed baby. That's ridiculous.

I agree.

Original poster
Mama6x · 11/07/2023 20:54

This has been asked a few times but yes he is on babys birth certificate. He has booked time off work to go and stay at his mums from this friday until next wednesday. He is taking our 2.5 year old with him and even that i am sad about because 5 days is such a long time. He gets 28 days holiday from work per year which resets in january. Hes now completely used up all of his 28 days holiday just going to stay at his mums. He usually goes alone for 1 week at a time while i stay home with the kids. Hes got no holiday left for the summer which kind of speaks volumes how valuable family time actually is to him. It seems all he cares about is himself and his mother. Im just so sad. I havent been able to eat properly because of the anxiety of the threats hes made about taking baby away

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 20:58

Mooshamoo · 11/07/2023 08:13

The only thing I would like to add is- mums often think that they are more important to their baby than anyone else. And they think that the baby should be with them all time
.they feel like they own the baby.

Babies are human beings who benefit from seeing everyone.

When I was growing up my gran and my dad were equally important to me as my mum was. I didn't see my mum as being worth more than my gran or my dad.

I loved spending time with my granny.

Let your baby see other people.

That's because 'mums' care about what is best for the baby. What benefit do you think a six month old baby will get from being separate from DM for 4 days?

Separation anxiety, issues with bottle feeds, a parent that does not consider it's needs and a stranger. Sure that sounds ideal don't know why all the 'mums' don't do it. Don't event get me started on switching from breast to bottle and how that could go for 'Mum' or baby.

I hope you meant your advice kindly?

Unicorn34 · 11/07/2023 21:27

It's soon the school holidays. Either you all go or no-one does. This will bide you some time to get your ducks in a row. He isn't even thinking about your baby's needs, just his own. Sending a hug and support x

FictionalCharacter · 11/07/2023 23:41

Mama6x · 11/07/2023 20:54

This has been asked a few times but yes he is on babys birth certificate. He has booked time off work to go and stay at his mums from this friday until next wednesday. He is taking our 2.5 year old with him and even that i am sad about because 5 days is such a long time. He gets 28 days holiday from work per year which resets in january. Hes now completely used up all of his 28 days holiday just going to stay at his mums. He usually goes alone for 1 week at a time while i stay home with the kids. Hes got no holiday left for the summer which kind of speaks volumes how valuable family time actually is to him. It seems all he cares about is himself and his mother. Im just so sad. I havent been able to eat properly because of the anxiety of the threats hes made about taking baby away

This is madness. He spends all his leave with his mum and you can’t have a family holiday? What does he do all the time when he’s there without you and the kids?

I just saw this from one of your other posts:

”He told me I have until he buys his new car to "make myself be ready" to be apart from her as he will be taking her whether I like it or not”

This is absolutely horrendous. The situation is far worse than it looked from your OP - it’s really serious. Not only does he want to stop you breastfeeding your youngest, it looks like he’s planning to take your kids to his mum’s for extended periods without your consent, maybe even permanently? That would explain his obsession with formula feeding when you’re successfully BF.

Please be careful. He isn’t a normal husband and father and I honestly suspect he’s planning to take your children away from you. As PPs have advised, confide in professionals (and your family if you can), and get your ducks in a row.

Maray1967 · 13/07/2023 19:59

Yes, this is what it looks like to me as well - he’s trying to take your baby away. And I’m sorry but I cannot believe the police 👮 would allow a dad to just walk off with a 6 month old baby or any young child and in effect prevent the mother from seeing her for days.

This vile man needs to be challenged. You need to contact your HV and tell her what he is threatening. Ideally she would come round and speak firmly to him.

monsteramunch · 13/07/2023 21:21

I've been thinking of you OP and really hoping you've spoken to your health visitor / GP / someone like that. How are you doing? Flowers

Sometimesgood · 13/07/2023 21:29

Wow that is just wicked.

How does anyone explain to a baby why Mum is suddenly not there for 4 days?

It will seriously impact on your breast milk to be away from your baby. Not to mention your mental health.

Absolutely not.

Heronwatcher · 13/07/2023 21:30

I could write a very long post about how it’s not best for baby, not fair on you etc but all I will say is get out now. He’s abusive. Cares more about his mum than his own child. Take the kids somewhere else- this isn’t going to get better.

squirelnutkin11 · 13/07/2023 21:31

Oh op l am sorry to say this abusive behaviour, do not doubt yourself.

doozledog · 13/07/2023 21:38

No way

OCDmama · 13/07/2023 21:41

Do not second guess your instinct. This is completely wrong.

I don't even see how your partner will have a good time with a screaming baby for 4 days - because that's what's going to happen. Please speak to your GP or HV.

kittycatsmum · 13/07/2023 21:42

Op are there any updates this is awful.

He should not be taking a breastfed baby away from it's only source of food- what is she doesn't take to the bottle as many don't?

Sending hugs to you.

LePetitChat · 13/07/2023 21:42

He’s an absolute turd. Reading what he’s said to you makes me very uneasy, the buying of all the ff gear and doing this with your other child. I think you should be speaking to women’s aid to discuss what’s going on, if he’s like this about the baby I’d be surprised if there weren’t other red flags, some you might not even be aware of.

if you feel brave enough can you call/message his mother and say baby x can’t come with him as she’s too young to be apart and you’re still bf, but would she like to come and stay?

other then that, get the other kids together and duck off somewhere, your mums or something, for that duration. You know when he’s booked the time off. Otherwise he will do it.

And all his leave has been spent with his mother? Are you sure he’s not the one still being breastfed?

Catusrusty · 13/07/2023 22:03

Acornsoup · 11/07/2023 20:58

That's because 'mums' care about what is best for the baby. What benefit do you think a six month old baby will get from being separate from DM for 4 days?

Separation anxiety, issues with bottle feeds, a parent that does not consider it's needs and a stranger. Sure that sounds ideal don't know why all the 'mums' don't do it. Don't event get me started on switching from breast to bottle and how that could go for 'Mum' or baby.

I hope you meant your advice kindly?

Show quote history

I don't think it was meant kindly.

It was a pop at mums on mumsnet by someone who probably doesn't have the slightest inkling of just what mothering entails. Clearly at 6 months the mother is by far the most important person in a baby's life.

OP if you can find the strength to get away from this man please do so. He actively enjoys hurting you, he is abusive.

babbscrabbs · 13/07/2023 22:06

He's abusive, controlling, nasty. He doesn't fucking get to take your baby away.

Ilovecakey · 14/07/2023 06:29

No don't let hom take her! Who cares if his mum does want to come to yours! It's your baby not hers and she's lucky you are offering to let her come stay. A court would never rule overnights for a baby so young to be apart from their mother so tell him to get lost!