Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

please speak to your GP and take sometime off work. Don’t make any rash decisions at this point.

I dont know anyone who left for good, but I know someone who left for a few months, and left kids with grandparents.

You say you're a teacher, could you book yourself a week break over summer to re-evaluate? Could it be that you just need some time alone? (That is not meant to sound patronising)

And I agree with PP, please speak to your GP or a therapist and get some advice!

I’m so sorry, I am in a similar situation and have also felt v low at points. But separation would surely be better than leaving your family? Could you get some professional help with the the twins? Have you and your H had counselling?

so sorry, I know it’s hard but you’re not alone and things will improve

My heart goes out to you. Do you have friends or family you can talk to? It sounds like you really need support. If you separate you won’t need to do it all on your own - I found being separate from my husband so so much easier with dc as I had space to myself. Don’t make any rash decisions right now. Find someone you trust to talk to. X

Your kids will suffer as a result of your abandonment. Gently, I suggest that you take some time out to consider an alternative.

You sound depressed, do you/could you have pnd, I'd really recommend talking to a gp before making these type of plans and talk about how you're feeling and look into options.

My mum walked out and it is very drastic/final and I wouldn't recommend it as a first port of call type thing.

I don't think it's uncommon to feel this way, I know I have! Leaving the kids though would be a hard no from me. Let me reassure you I have felt very unhappy with my OH especially with so many kids and babies! I actually feel better now but two years ago I was having similar thoughts to you.

Have you tried counselling ? Relationship or just you ? There must be a better option than just running away, for you and your children, you don’t have to stay with your husband or have the children full time you could consider 50/50 or you have them on weekends. Do you like your job ? You might find looking after the children easier if you happier in other aspects of your life, this is what I found. Please talk to someone.

What do you mean by the marriage not being your choice? That sounds dreadful

Don’t. My mum left me and my sister, it impacted my life quite a bit

My lovely friends mum left her and her sibling when they were late primary age. Literally dropped them at school, went home, packed and left. They were then raised by their dad and a few years later on their step mum (who they see as their real mum). Their bio mum started with infrequent phone contact then fizzled to nothing. She went on to have children with her new husband and has a totally new life erasing her previous.
Although my friend has a great family with her step mum and step siblings the damage done by her mum kept her in therapy for many years. It's very hard to be abandoned with no explanation and replaced.
Please get some help.

Just reread your op - you are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you. And I think you will likely be happier if you can move forward into a new life with your children with you - at least some of the time.

is there anyone IRL you can talk to?

Can you use the summer holiday to take an extended break. Get away from it all, recharge and see how you feel?

Oh love, it won’t be a fresh start - you will be tormented by the fact you left your kids. No matter how hard things seem, please pause. Arrange a few days away to see family or a friend , but plan to return.

And please find a doctor. Hopefully you have the summer “off” work from teaching so please use the time and space to figure things out.

I think, when you’re deeply unhappy in a life you feel trapped in, leaving and starting again can feel very appealing.

But in reality, it is unlikely that you would be happy if you left your children.

Do you have any support outside of the family?

Does your husband have the self awareness to recognise that you are unhappy?

People are suggesting the OP takes a break but it doesn’t sounds like the kind of relationship where her husband would be agreeable to that.

Because she is clearly desperately unhappy. Don’t be an arse.

What makes you think you won’t cope alone?

Firstly, I am so, so sorry you are feeling this way. It sucks and I know you probably feel guilt and all sorts of other emotions on top of wanting an escape route. But before you make any decisions, you definitely need an outlet for your feelings. Please chat to your GP and see if they can give you some support. I don’t think you want to leave your kids, I think you can’t see any other way out of the stress and sadness right now. It’s a good time to take time for yourself, holidays are coming up, so hopefully your workload decreases. Don’t make any knee jerk decisions, you are allowed to be at the end of your tether, but get some help first and then reassess.

I wouldnt be if she just discussed separating from her husband,but to think to abandon own children one who is just 10months old- you call me an arse? If she is unhappy there are councellors,psychologists,psychatrists etc who can offer either therapies or medicines- she hasnt seeked any of them out.

By all means leave your husband, but please don't leave your children. I agree that speaking with your GP and a psychiatrist should be a starting point.

Yes of course it would be selfish. You've got 40-50 years ahead of you so surely you can use some of that time to invest in your DC? Don't you love them? Apart from leaving, what else can you do to improve your situation? Can't family help?