Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

I don't think you're selfish for having the feelings you're having- it sounds like you feel trapped and overwhelmed. Your twins are very young. My ds is about the same age and I love him to bits but it's hard work and there's only one of him I can't imagine how intense it would be with two. I agree with pps that talking to your gp and getting some counselling and support for your mental health is the first step. That will actually help you sift through everything and work out whether there's things you need to change in your relationship in order for it to potentially recover or even just support for you to sustain things until your little ones are up a bit and you're in a place where you could actually plan a split. I'd start a savings account and put as much as you're able into it now and let that grow for a while. Planning a new life sounds so enticing but the reality is that in a cost of living crisis with accommodation the way it is, it would probably be very difficult and stressful in itself if you try to do it suddenly without lots of prior planning and building up your resources. You say its a tricky relationship and you didn't marry by choice - are things just rocky between you or is he abusive. If so then womens aid can accommodate you pretty immediately and help you get set up with your kids if you wanted to do it that way. I will say gently, that depression can be caused by a bad situation for sure, but it can also convince you that you just need 'out' in some form because your resilience is so low. That's why it's important to work out whether you need space/ more self care/ better sharing of responsibilities etc or if you need to go altogether. Do you have family who would help with your children if you moved or any other support network? It sounds really hard and exhausting but definitely not a decision to make emotionally. Could living nearby be an option so you can split childcare equally and expenses equally? My worry would be if you leave and start a new life you might then want to get your kids more often and struggle if dad's then seen as their primary caregiver.

Please think very carefully about this. If you make a rash decision it could be one you hugely regret, and if you left your kids with your husband for any length of time they would likely be considered settled with him and reversing residency very difficult.

My mum did this though. Some other circumstances were attached, but she left and became the non-resident parent. I saw her every other weekend. It was always clear she was more interested in dating new people and her own life than her children, and we begged to live with her as life with our father was horrific but she did not prioritise us. The effects of maternal abandonment like this aren't well studied I don't think as it's relatively rare, but it is likely to leave a lasting and perhaps devastating impact on your children.

Please consider any other way you could leave him. Could you leave and offer him 50/50 residency so you have time back to yourself to breathe again? Do you have a wider support network to help you get on your feet and support you with your kids?

I know a lot of people who have lost their kids to social services. Even though they weren't capable of properly looking after them at times, it leaves a deep scar.

You sound desperate and depressed. Many women and maybe men have thoughts like this. It's the panic button, it's your brain wanting things to change.

But it's time to open up to someone in real life and get some help. You need help coping with the little as, but it doesn't have to be by running away.💐💐💐💐💐

I don't judge you in the slightest, I think we've all considered it but treat it as a, warning sign of how bad it's got and how much you need help. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I’m not judging you op, neither are the majority of posters.

Ignore the ones who were so keen to stick the boot in, they didn’t bother to pause to comprehend what you were telling us.

I am so sorry you’re in this position.

I don’t think AIBU is the right board for your thread, you will get more support if your thread was moved to a gentler one.

I know somebody whose mum up and left them and their siblings. It’s had repercussions throughout their whole lives in obvious ways.

I agree. You may not see it now but you need your children

It'll be a grass is greener attitude, I e had dreams of doing it too but I could never, men are assholes, jobs are hard to come by, kids are always hard no matter who you have them with and life will not be magically shinier because you started again, you will just be starting over with guilt stuck inside you for the rest of your life, wondering how you could have abandoned the innocent lives you brought into this world, your own blood.

Maybe life will get better for you or maybe you leave and just end up bitter and alone in your later years wondering how it could have been.

I would find out what's actually causing you to feel so down. What aren't you enjoying about life? If you just want to be single and have a bit of fun then go do it, leave your partner to parent and just split custody, plenty of other parents do that. Yes I do still hink your being stupid but you need to learn these lessons.

If you don't want kids then unfortunately your way too late for that but I think it would be a start to actually talk to someone about these feelings even if not your partner.

Don't just run, you will never find happiness or enjoy life if you run from your problems.

I was wondering if there was a cultural reason for your marriage, but without further information I didn’t want to assume. I’m taken aback that people in the UK don’t understand this as there have been lots of high profile examples.

You sound so tired and done in, please get some external help. It’s hard to have enthusiasm for anything when the world looks so dark. I’m so sorry that there is no one you have close to talk to - not even a friend if not family? That sucks. There is a way out of all of this where you can stay with your kids who I have no doUbt you love, but right now you’re the one that needs support. Xxx

OP has literally said she's not depressed and people are still trying to tell her she is.

Were you also coerced into your marriage or have you not read the whole thread?

And? They are selfish twats

https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/forced-marriages/

Please seek help with a professional OP. I've posted a link to support organisations who will have knowledgeable advice. It doesn't matter that you've been married a while and have children. You can still seek help. Very best of luck.

OP - your feelings are not unusual. But they do sound like depression.

I had a friend who was on the verge of walking out on her husband and kids because she felt so low. I also felt like leaving my kids when in an abusive marriage.

It was depression- which is actually the same response to feeling trapped in an awful situation.

please seek out support from GP or therapist.

I am so so sorry you are in this situation OP. A year or so ago, I remember watching a film with Olivia Coleman where she does this and totally empathising. I had at the time a 5 year old with sen and 1 year old. Since then, my eldest has grown up so much and my youngest has become a gorgeous little character and life has got easier. I know alot of people say that actually, single parenting can be much easier than with someone who isn't part of the team. In your situation I wouldn't sign for him. You can build a network of friends around you, support can come from out of nowhere. Don't leave your kids, you'll regret it. But you can be a Mum they can be proud of by leaving the marriage.

It's unforgivable in my book. Those poor children.

Oh the privilege of such naïveté. Until you have the first clue, I’d suggest shutting the fuck up.

I see a much more sympathetic response than a man would get.

@Willyoujustbequiet agree

Can you contact a charity for forced marriage and they can refer you to counselling and support.
It’s a huge decision to leave 3 children and you need to speak to someone.

I am not depressed. I have had post natal depression, post natal psychosis and have been clinically depressed. By now I'd know if I was depressed.

I'm not always upset and down etc. I'm just in 2 minds, do I leave him with the kids or does he leave me with the kids. It's either him or me because he will walk out by the end of August if I don't sign for his visa.

It's very hard to talk to others, most see me as a good teacher (which I defo am, I get the lower and harder kids who always make a huge turn around and pass their test), I have a nice new build (council proprerty), I have wonderful smart kids, I have lovley items, nice car and over £45k saved in the bank. I haven't done bad and others know that, which makes it harder to even talk to people because they don't get it.

This seems like a really good idea,
OP. Would that be possible for you?

OP - please contact Southall Black Sisters: southallblacksisters.org.uk/ for advice. They are really experienced with supporting women who have been through what you're experiencing and will give you informed advice.

I'm so sorry you're in this intolerable situation

To be fair @Blinkingheckythump apologised earlier in the thread.