Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

Maybe she just doesn't really care about her kids. Scores of men abandon their children every day and no one is suggesting they are depressed and can be 'fixed.'

Womens aid may be able to help you OP. Can you send them an email whilst you are at work??

Are you serious? Forced marriage is most certainly a reality.

https://www.gov.uk/stop-forced-marriage

Exactly.

Forced marriage is not uncommon in some cultures, you must surely be aware of this?

This is going to sound awful but could you split from your OH and share the kids 59/50? Yes it would be harder when they’re there, but you’d get 50% of your time for just you- to heal and ultimately become a better parent.

Please do not abandon your children, they will never get over it.

Do you have any support network in real life? Anyone who could help with childcare if you left your husband? It will be a lot easier to look after the twins as they get a bit older, it's just tough when they're young.

I personally, would suggest doing some research into a future life with your children and set up some support to help with life as a single parent.

I really hope you're ok, please do seek some therapy too, which might help.

Personally I'd like to travel either to a parallel universe, or time travel to try different perspectives and strategies on how they would be.

That said, all the best and positivity op

Why did you have to marry so young op? Are the twins particularly difficult? They might get quite a bit easier as they get a bit older? Teaching on top of all that is a lot to deal with. I don’t think you should up and leave though and im sure you’d regret it. Do you ever get a break or any time to yourself? Does your dh do housework etc? It sounds like a horrible situation, I’m not going to judge you unlike some pp, so do come back and talk, hopefully talk to someone in real life too.
also will you have any support over the holidays? I know from personal experience that 6 weeks off on your own with three kids isn’t exactly the relaxing break some ppl seem to consider it! Especially if your marriage isn’t good.

It's to do with the closer bond that children usually have to their mother, which makes it much harder for children to cope with being abandoned by mothers than fathers overall. There have been studies about it.

Men do exactly this on the regular.

That said, you need support and good advice. There are lots of ways to leave your dh and still be an active part of your dc's lives.

I'm sorry that you are struggling.

Why were you forced into a marriage?

can I ask that? At 17. Who forced you as a child to marry and why?

do you get on with your husband or is he abusive? Can you talk to him?
a GP?
as a teacher you have free counselling available to you - ask HR.

What bits are you finding difficult with the twins? Can you get some help or advice? is working a little less an option? Would that help you cope? Important to undergo therapy and talk through the situation in detail. Another person with fresh eyes

I don't think that posts educating you about forced marriage in the Uk is going to be helpful to the clearly distressed OP, @Blinkingheckythump . Go forth and educate yourself.

Judgemental much? Since you apparently can't read desperation when it's right under your nose, take note: it looks like OPs message.

Are you saying we don't judge men who do this? Speak for yourself but I do.

Google forced marriages. The OP said she wasn’t married by choice. In other words she had no choice because choosing not to get married may have had severe repercussions for her. Not every wedding is a fairytale.

I was forcefully married at 17. I'm south asian and in 2009 my parents forced me to get married or they said they will take me back home. My husband at the time was an immigrant and wanted to marry me for his visa. He was 28 at the time.

For those wondering how was it forced? Simple I wasn't given a choice.

When this all happened in 2009 I reached out to my doctors, my teacher's from secondary school, my college teacher's and all my freinds new. There is even a record on my medical notes how I was depressed because parents were pressuring me to get married and I didn't want to.

So YES forced marriage did use to happen and there were multiple adults that should have helped that didn't.

Am I currently depressed? No. I'm not depressed I'm just lost in life and worried. He has his visa renewal this month ( this renewal will give him 9 years)and if I don't sign for him he will walk away anyway. So do I stay put and turn into a single mother who will struggle to cope? And he won't do 50/50 he will go back home, or do I walk away and maybe return one day.

I'm just tired of living like this, so you can judge me all you like but there could be someone around you, a close friend, family that is in the same position so don't be quick to be harsh assuming I don't care for my children at all.

Reach out to someone you trust or a GP, you need support right now. You are going to be ok and get through this.

Sounds like you're close if not, at crisis point.

Your children need you and you, them.

Deep breath and make some calls tomorrow x

Yes it makes you selfish to ditch your kids.

You separate from your husband, you don’t throw your kids to the side to do what you want.

I know quite a few men that left for good.

I know one women. She left a 3 yr old and a 6 month old as her dh had an affair.
She left them all, gave up her dentistry career and went back to uni to be a lawyer.
She tried to get back in touch with the kids about 20years after she left them. They weren’t interested.
So if you do be prepared that they may not be yearning to see you in the years to come.
But let’s face it many men do this and never look back.

I could never leave my daughter. No matter how bad things got and yeah i wish I could have a whole different life different man with same child.

please reach out, please look at ways to leave. I only have one child so it’s easier but I work in a school I’m a single parent and it works! People tend to want to help more when you are on your own I’ve found.